I live with my boyfriend, a man that i love so much, much more than anything in this world. I've been with him for going on 3 years now, and i'm questioning myself whether i should leave him or not.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's been an alcoholic ever since i met him. In fact, when i met him i was a drinker as well, not an alcoholic, but drinking was pretty much my main focus. When i was a drinker i found it attractive about him too that he was as well, of course because at the time i didnt care about anything else.
When i moved in with him he was jobless as was i. I eventually got a job (and several other jobs afterwards) to support us because we were spending too much money on alcohol and cigarettes, and we needed to move out of his moms house. He's complained and i've moved him twice, working jobs and supporting us, and him still as being an alcoholic trying to recover (he hasnt worked but for 1 week since 3 years).
If you can understand, my individual life got really frusterating and i'm no longer drinking. But my boyfriend still is. He has tried to quit, i've payed for him 3 times to go to detox, even to St Anthony's hospital, but it hasnt worked for him. He truely does have a disease and he does want to quit. However....I just cant deal with his drunkeness anymore. I've tried to be hard, and give tough love and say ';Look, get sober, try harder or else i'm outa here...'; and we've gone over rules and what and what not to do about when he is drinking. But, these rules and agreements are always subsided if he has one drink too many.
I just cannot stand him anymore when he is drunk. I love him to death, if he werent my boyfriend he'd be my best friend just the same, and i'd love him still as a human being. But, when he's drunk he's always shitty and talks under his breath and i just cannot stand it. I cannot stand to see him like that anymore, when i do, everytime inside i just want to beat the **** out of him....I feel so full of rage, i feel like my life with this is litterally making me crazy, and it probably is. But, try to explain it to a drunk.....Even when he's sober, it doesnt register well. I mean, I've worked for the past whole year sober waiting on HIS promise to get sober, i take care of everything! I do everything on my own, i'm tired of how he acts when he's drunk, i'm tired of him not working and helping me out, i'm just straight up done with the alcoholism. I cannot take it anymore, i am so full of rage and hate inside now because of what this life like this has caused to me.
I dont believe that i can just straight up leave him because i'm not happy, or want a better life. Because this man, is the most beautiful human being i've ever met inside. Yes he has a huge problem with alcohol, but he's so special. I pray to God for him every night, and i just feel like...like i've felt for the past 2 years...that if i were to leave it's wrong, because i love him and he deserves help in this. I dont want him to become a totally misserable human being like i am becoming. I want him to have a LIFE, and enjoy it. I dont want him to die because of this wasting his life away. As nobody with alcoholism deserves, yes they got themselves into it, but it is harder than any drug to kick. I know personally, i've drank, and my father is an alcoholic.
So you see, i'm challanged. I feel so terrible because i cant help but get so enraged when he's drunk. I'm so tired of my life i'm sure i'm probably nuts by now, i'm sure i probably need some medication...but still. I'm so torn up inside, i'll litterally go into my bedroom and break things, and throw things, yell and scream...if you can imagine how bad you have to feel inside to be able to behave that way, and not even able to control it. The huge fights and problems we have, i know that they stem from the alcohol ( i know it's all different in the morning, sometimes) but it's not what goes on that pisses me off anymore, it's the fac that alcohol is involved in it STILL.
Any of you out there, who have either been an alcohlic, drinker, or family or friend of an alcoholic...please give me some advice. And dont tell me to be going to ALANON meetings because i dont even have the gas money to get there. I need some other kind of help....preferably from people with experience please.
I sure do appreciate you reading all of that.Help With An Alcoholic Relationship?
Honestly, I did not read all of this.
What I got out of the begining is this man is using you.
He needs to address his addictions and you can not and should not do it with him.
By supporting his unemployed self you are enabling him. That is making him sicker.
Hard as it would be - leaving him is best for you both.Help With An Alcoholic Relationship?
I only have one thing to say. I'd like to see you love yourself as much as you love him. Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place.Alkies are a total pain in the a$$ to deal with because it's all about them and THEIR needs.Theres a lot of things that I could say but none would help you as much as me telling you to start taking better care of yourself, step by step,minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. This will sound harsh but it's the truth. he loves liquor more than you, no matter what he might say in his moments of sobriety.Truthfully it doesn't really matter what he wants anymore.What matters is what you are willing to do to stay in this f#cked up situation. What would you tell your daughter( if you had one) and she was involved with a guy like this?You know what to do, the problem is how to do it and not have more drama in the process of extricating yourself from this relationship.He's not ever going to leave you alone so don't hope for that.He's not going to get his act together or realize what he's doing until it's too late.
If it were me( and I've been in some pretty sh#tty situations before in the past) I'd frickin leave town for good. I'd wait till he left the house and throw a bunch of my stuff in a bag and get the hell out.Obviously,don't stay somewhere where he can find you.If you're broke go to a womens shelter and tell them he beats you and that you need a place to stay.I don't care if you have to lie or whatever, just find a safe place to hang out and get yourself together.You'll need plenty of help %26amp; support to get through this because yes, there's life after being with an alkie.You've just been so immersed in HIS needs, HIS wants, HIS problems that you haven't had the time to take care of you.Do you even remember who you are or has he sucked the life out of you?Know what I mean?You take care of you and then you'll be in a better position to decide to how to proceed next. Geez, I'd hate to see an intellegent person waste whatever time they have left on this planet trying to help save a boozehound.The booze defines him and feeds his spirit. You realize that you cannot compete with that, right?
The ship is going down honey and you need to get off while theres some shred of sanity left in you,ok? Take care...
Ok same question posted, same answer. As I said:
Go to an Al Anon meeting tonight. You don't need money to get there- if you call, someone will come and get you. Stop wasting your life and get real.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
You can't help him unless he wants to help himself, and if he wanted to help himself, he would be giving the rehab a better go than it sounds like he has. You yourself sound like you are on the verge of emotional burnout - I have been there. When you hit that wall, you will stop caring. You won't have the strength to care anymore. You can't help him if you don't help yourself first.
You say you can't straight up leave him, but you may not have another choice. For 3 years you have been trying with you there and it's not working. You say if he doesn't sort himself out, you will leave - but you never do, so he doesn't take the threat seriously. I'm sure Stephen King said he didn't start dealing with his alcoholism until his wife packed the kids and left. It might be the wake up call he needs.
You need to think about where your life is going. If he doesn't sort himself out, what do you have to look forward to? Do you want kids in the future? No way you will be having them with him if things don't change. I know the decision is hard - I had to work my way through these issues, not for alcoholism, but for multiple personalities. At the end of the day I realised I couldn't make him get help and I was only damaging myself by staying. We divorced - but Stephen King and his wife reconciled. You won't know which way you are going until you give it a try.
Hi - I had my last drink in 1982.
With respect you cancel your request for input from others out. Because on the one hand you say you are in a difficult situation and in the next breath you say you cannot leave.
We could sit and talk all day, but there will not be another option. You either stay or you leave.
I do not believe in judging people. Neither do I believe a person cannot change. I do believe in helping people. BUT I had to learn not to take ultimate responsibility for them, their choices or their happiness - they really are independant people capable of much more than we credit them for. At some level they had to take responsibility for themselves, for their lives, for their happiness. Your partner has to take responsibility for his past, his drinking his problem and you have to take responsibility for your choice whether to leave him or not.
I have to generalise now because I don't really know you. Alcoholism although it becomes a problem in itself and people often need help to break the cycle of addiction, ultimately the drinking was a symptom of cognitive (thinking) problems. That is why alcoholics often sober up but continue to behave in ways which are not in their best interests, because the unhelpful, illogical, beliefs about themselves, others and life are still inplace. After getting free of the physical aspect of alcoholism, it becomes a thinking issue.
Temper problems, procrastination, depression, easily frustrated, illogical, unhelpful ideas do not go away after alcohol is put down. Putting down a drink is just a starting place for many and a symtom of these other issues - the real original problem.
I left AA when I was about 12 years sober because I didn't buy really buy it. When I was 20 yrs sober I still had emotional problems. Perhaps three years ago I began reading books on a branch of cognitve behaviour therapy called Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. I can tell you I have learned more in this last three years than all of the previous 20.
There is a website smartrecovery.org which is based on REBT.
Good luck
My husband is an alcoholic (in recovery) and my family is loaded with addictions of all types. I KNOW how you feel. I've been in that same hole. The disease of addiction is a fatal disease which ends in death. He's very sick. You are too. It makes us sick living with it and trying to SAVE them. We get used to things that are CRAZY. I have learned that I can't live with active addiction in my house--I just can't. Take care of yourself--please go back to Al-anon--call and someone will come for you. I didn't click with the 12 Steps at first, but it the end, they saved my life. He needs to go back to treatment, soon.
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