Friday, August 20, 2010

I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?

PLEASE don't just read my headline and insult me without even having a clue of what I'm talking about..I asked this in another category, but would like to see if responses differ in this one.





Due to work related reason I had to move to Canada,BC 2and a half weeks ago and will be living there for 6-8 months. I don't know anyone here so I just went onto the craigslist to look for a roommate who had a spare room. I was so lucky and found an ad in a perfect area, Male Seeking roommate in a nice and clean 2 bedroom apartment on 5th floor. I arranged everything and phoned him and then met him the next day, The apartment was beautiful ,there was alot of nice furniture and fairly affordable (550 each) and the guy was real cute and real nice too!and fairly affordable. So I thought this would be perfect and we made an agreement. I think it was the 29th of August I actually moved in.


Jamie (my roommate) was living there for the last 3 months and his other roommate had to leave, and couldn't afford a 2 bedroom by himself. We got along from the start real well, Before I moved from the US I wasn't expecting anything at all. He showed me around Vancouver, its actually quite pretty here. I thought he was at least 24 or 25, until we were talking about work and then said he starts school in September and I asked what courses, and then laughed and said I'm in High school;WHICH is when I discovered he was 16. I was actually VERY impressed and couldn't believe he was only 16, but the reason he lives independently is because his father was an alcoholic who he lived with, and his mother was a religious fanatic who turned into a drug addict. He goes to school until 3, goes to the gym everyday, and then straight to his work at a warehouse until 11pm making $13 an hour and comes back home exhausted, pays his own rent and food,and then works again full time on Saturday from Noon and part time on Sunday so I have so much respect for him, and I really do think he's amazing. He resents his parents and does not talk to them, they do not support him in anyway either.





I still don't know anyone around here, but he's the one person that I'd love to get to know better and hang out with while I'm living here, he's really interesting and kind but he doesn't have anyone, no brothers, he's all alone basically. Last Weekend, I asked him if he would like to stay home and hang out with me and we could spend all night watching movies together(we both have a good size collection) he seemed pretty happy about the idea and said sure. I was pretty excited I would get to bond with him a little more! That night I had my big blanket out with me on the couch and he was sitting at the very end and seemed a bit shy, I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle!...His face turned red for a sec but we ended up cuddled up together! The night ended up real fun and we stayed up until 4 before he fell asleep on me which was way too cute. I wasn't really implying anything other than a fun night,Almost from the beginning I felt something hard poking at me, but again I had NO intentions on taking it further. I'm not exactly sure if I have a ';crush'; on him,but indeed sexy, an extremely gorgeous body and just amazing overall. I just don't see him as a 16 year old, I don't intend on finding another guy while I'm here for a relationship, I'd rather spend time with Jamie and get to know him better because his age doesn't really mean anything to me at this point. To put it simple, when we both are free not working, we are doing stuff together-it just turned out that way. He's got a real awesome personality as well.On Sunday night he was a bit down and sad, sometimes when he thinks about his parents and how he grew up so fast,I knew, but he didn't say anything..So before we went to bed I grabbed him and gave him a real tight long hug and kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight.(I knew he needed it and I wanted to give it to him). I do know he's a virgin, we've talked about our views on that subject, he hasn't met a girl at school he's liked enough or his age. I've had sex with THREE guys in my life, but a part of me is wanting to get intimate with him eventually,possibly explore a bit beforehand, not now but eventually..It hasn't been that long yet, but after about a month or so I want to ask him about it, how do I bring this subject up with him without making it awkward? I know it seems crazy,I'm 30, but you would never think he was 16. Any advice, please!! Thank you so much.I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?
The best rule in any relationship is to put the other person's interests first. By all means continue your friendship with this young man, but refrain from anything physical, until he has more experience with girls his own age. There might be potential for a long-term friendship, maybe even more; but wait at least two years before going any further.





If you seduce this young man, you'll both be sorry in the long run; give him your support and friendship and he'll always be grateful.I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?
You can find a man just as easy as you found a boy in Canada. Get out there and meet somebody!
umm id have a masti instead 16 is too young
wow and they say all men are pervs





oh well... id say ur a pedo IMO





';I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle!';





are you serious?
PLEASE if you really care anything about him, then do what is right for him. You are self focused and he has had no one in his life willing to take him into consideration for the long term.





How can you credit yourself as ';helping'; him when everything you're doing has an ulterior motive? You are only going to be here for a little while, you don't see any need in looking around because you are already interested in Jamie, you know he's only 16 buy you feel a special connection, you know he's a virgin but you already know that you want to be intimate with him. STOP!!!





You're being selfish---end it and let him try to have some semblance of normalcy in his life. He has a full plate already! You said so yourself. What you're doing is not kind and is selfish. Seriously!! He just needs a friend without him having to fill in your ';needs';. If he were already uber experienced then I could see you as considering this a fun fling, but he is a virgin and already has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Having sex with you would fill your needs during the short time he is here but can totally screw him up in the end. He should have a normal first time with a girl in his own age range (a girl---not a older woman). Think of him only then decide.
You should tread lightly! He MAY very well be of legal age, but you should really think about why you feel so attracted to him. Is there a part of you that is attracted to him because you really don't know anyone else there and he is a nice guy, as well as cute and seemingly self sufficient?


You know that you will only be there for about 1/2 a year, do you really want to get intimately involved with anyone (on a personal level) let alone a very young guy who hasn't really explored dating with girls in his own age group yet? What happens to him when you leave? Will you be another ';adult'; that he feels has abandoned him, like his parents have?


I really don't want to get into whether it's wrong or right, that's something that you (and he) need to decide for yourself! However, you both need to consider the ramifications of whatever you decide to do. All I can suggest is that you both think things through to the best of your ability and be sure that each understands and agrees to the ';liberties'; and limitations of whatever relationship you form.


And you both need to be aware of and be prepared to deal with how other people around you may react to your situation.
I did read the whole post. My main question, before I got into any other things, concerned Canadian law. That's been answered. So now onto other things.





Mostly people are talking about protecting the ';boy.'; My immediate sense, however, is that you need to be aware of the possibilities and limitations for yourself.





Let me start out by saying the world is organized on a supreme double standard. Men typically get into relationships with partners who are much younger than they are. But--and I hope I'm not going to be skewered for just saying what happens to be true--time is kinder to men than it is to women. Men aren't assaulted by the same coursing hormones. Men don't experience menopause. Men can reproduce much longer than women can. And many men look better as they get older; women, not so much.





Now, in these days of extremely hot 50 year-old celebrities, the ideas about what will work in a relationship are changing somewhat. But in this case, I would say your relationship has a relatively short shelf life, and you need to be aware of that. Nothing wrong with sowing a few wild oats, but do you really think there's a good chance he'll still be interested when he's 26 and you're 40? Or when he's 40 and you're 54? His options will expand at the moment that yours begin to narrow and if you think you're falling ';in love,'; as it seems you might be from your narration, then you had better bear that in mind.





On the other hand, you're both approaching your years of sexual peak, so what happens in the bedroom might be very exciting.





So I guess I would say the best way to approach this is as a fun fling with maybe a deeper resonance that will very likely pass away--not as a serious, life-changing ';soul mate'; discovery. Part of the reason you can find him so ideal, it must be said, is that he IS inexperienced and so you can read into him all your hopes and desires and whatever you want. Time will change him, that's inevitable.





In the meantime, enjoy what you have. Don't lay a whole lot of heavy crap over the relationship, and give him plenty of freedom.





There is an ancient story called ';Gilgamesh.'; In that story, there is a young man called Enkidu who is wild. A priestess/courtesan from the temple of love is called upon to ';civilize'; him. The Shamhatu (as she is called) makes love to him six days and seven nights (an important ritual span of time in ancient Mesopotamia) after which Enkidu learns to be fully a man.





The Shamhatu then LETS HIM GO.





You see my point, Kitten?





Good luck! :)
Don't cross that line! Your a adult he's a child still developing!
i completely agree with diamonds. u are taking advantage. he is obviously going through a rough time and u snuggling up to him will not help that.





he is a boy. i am 14, and i feel that outraged by this question. if a guy did ask this, police would be on his door in two minutes. women should not be allowed a 'sexual predator free pass'


what u are doing is wrong. get away from him before u do something u both regret.





i cant believe that no one has swore at u. a man would not recieve this much sympathy.





U ARE A SEXUAL PREDATOR!
I see alot of people on here that are immature but even so you have to look at the big picture. YES he sounds very mature for his age but he still is only 16 please give him time to grow and become great friends but wait atleast for 2 years when he is an adult legally and then if you both feel the same move head but you have to remind yourself when you are 50 he will be in his 30's 14 years is a long time gap and he is underage. I wish you and this young man the best.
1. I dont think anybody is going to read your entire post





2. Ur a weirdo to even think you can be in a relationship with a 16 yo
Go for it! Jump that young guys bones!





But don't expect anything long-lasting.





Go instead for the sheer rush of pleasure from young meat!





Good luck and good times to you!
I'm not reading all that crap. And yes, he's too young for you.
You are taking advantage of a vulnerable boy. You are way too experienced for him. Hes already had to grow up too fast - dont add to that.





I hope youre not serious - if it was a guy posting this everyone would be outraged. And a 16 year old boy has the maturity of a 14 year old girl. My little brother is almost 15 and i would kick any 30 year old womans a** who tried anything with him in a year.
i really do understand your situation and how you feel dont get me wrong. iam going to say that you may want to see other people. find some sites online, bars where you guys live, or the popular hang out spots and meet someone a tad bit older. hes only 16 years old and yes hes living the life of an adult but still hes young and vulnerable. i couldnt pursue someone of this age, and if i had the exact feelings you do, i would take the most coldest shower ever. iam a hater of pedophilia and iam not saying that youre a pedophile, but hes a child totally back off like now. i wish you the best i really do, but if youre gonna be a cougar lol upgrade your age interest just some. my best wishes :)
lol I can't believe I took all the time to read everything you posted. I know I';m going to get some thumbs down for my answer but I could care less.





You guys seem like you'd work out well tougher. Age is but only a number my friend :). I'd love to tell you why I think this but now that is just TMI haha. But anyways I think you should just see how things work out. It seems things are going very well so far as I said before you should keep a good watch on this boy he reminds me of the character Jamie I read in a book recently XD. I'll be thinking about you wondering how this works out for you :). I'm always open for a conversation or email me. My IM is on my yahoo page if you want to talk. I hope things work out the way you want them too.





~Simone
I read your entire post :P..





But I dont think you should pursue anything with him.. I think youre attracted to him because he the first person you bonded with, its something new, aaaand there is the forbidden fruit factor.. I think deep down you know that it would be messed up for you to be with a 16 year old kid.. Sure its appealing right now, but he is young and in the long run, yall will most likely end up parting ways because he has yet to live life and whatnot.. Id just leave it alone, yall should find people your own age to associate with, a 16 and 30 year old only have so much in common before it gets awkward.. PLUS with him growing up so fast, having a girlfriend your age wouldnt help matters
Hetero, homo or bi, there are way many jurisdictions here in the USA where an adult messing around with a sixteen-year-old could land the adult in jail for years, where he will not receive welcome treatment.





You're in Canada, so talk to a Canadian lawyer. I'm sure they have some kind of Age of Consent and Statutory Rape provisions in the law. If he's just too young under the law, forget it -- stay away. Even a very well-intentioned cuddle session could turn into a felony if either of you ejaculates (and if I recall age 16, it didn't take much!). I'm tempted to say stay away anyway until he's at least 17 no matter how acceptable, but I'm not sure you would listen to me. Canada has a great human-rights record but they have laws, and you will receive no special treatment just because you came out of the USA.





Besides, what do you know about his background, relationship with parents and so on? Even if he is intellectually interesting I wouldn't take it farther than gym-spotting each other or meeting in public for coffee. If you can't take that, and Lord knows nobody will blame you if you can't, then the only ethical thing is to stay away. Change your living quarters if you must.
no one wants to read your life story. secondly it doesnt matter how close you think you feel it is wronge till he is 18 y does age matter becuase thats how it is not sure of all the senses in the situation but it is still more likely illegal. dont know bout canada but in america i think he can get parental cosent. who knows
Lucky guy.. heheh.
I would check on the laws in Canada first. I'm sure you know in the US. it would be statutory rape to have sex with a 16 y/o. If it's not against the law then I'd say go with your feelings. You're 14 years older than him, I'm 17 years older than my wife but of course I met her when she was 25. Sometimes age difference isn't that important, ';sometimes';. post script: You are probably older than most of those on this site giving you advice so you have to consider that too. Just use your head and do what you feel is right for you, but do it legally.
Can someone say JAILBAIT!!! oh wait did I hear COUGAR?!?!?!? You need to go out and find someone your own age....thats weird....very strange.....I mean at least wait till he's 18 lady!!! You need to find a MAN NOT A BOY!!!!!!
The legal age is 16 in Canada, so that takes away the problem of statutory rape.





I'm 14 years older than my partner, but then I'm in my mid 50s and he's in his early 40s which gives us a lot more life experience in common. If anything, he's the ';brake'; on my impetuosity, and when I'm all gung-ho to go skydiving from a plane he's the one who will remind me I had my knee replaced just six months ago and is skydiving REALLY such a good idea!





If I were going to make a suggestion: work on becoming friends -- and very good friends, at that -- before even considering introducing sex into the relationship. You already have a good deal of life experience which he doesn't; and one thing which is common among gay and straight guys is that our first real romantic and sexual experience is really intense and it's real easy for us to get our hearts broken. He may be gorgeous, and look and act like an adult, but he is still 16 years old.





I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a relationship with him at some point, but I don't think you want to risk breaking his heart, especially while the two of you are sharing a lease -- so my suggestion would be to GO SLOW.
I hope u read this message up to the end and u think about it.


seriously.





ah you pretty much


suck in life





i hope u give this boy a break


the age gap of what, 14, 15 years is not the one that is bothering here.


age is but a number they say BUT


he's 16 for crying out loud!


His life struggles may have forced him to act maturely,


older than his age but he is still a KID.


you are taking advantage of this boy.


and to think you making your moves to seduce him





..I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle





repulsive exploitation.


and him being young, an adolescent in heat, ranging hormones and not-so-a-few problems on his shoulders..


he could be an easy victim.





i read your whole story,got me irritated.


%26amp; not coz it was too long.


but u could have told it in a shorter manner


but you just had to make a fuss of stating every detail


to make the situation sound acceptable.


constantly mentioning that he acts so mature


and he doesn't seem to be a mere 16 yo boy.


And by doing this I wonder, are you convincing the readers?


or yourself?





Stop being selfish. If the boy is precious to you let him live his life.


He supports himself. He studies he works. That already too much to take.


He's young, hes got so much more ahead of him.





Your lonely. I mean come on, your 30 with out a guy by your side yet, your family may be not around. And your converting that loneliness into unstable emotions for this boy who is also lonely.





You bond. He shares with u his problems.


maybe ur the 1 he trust for now


with this he might consider u as a friend


moreover his mentor.


that said





I WISH


I JUST WISH YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO MISLEAD HIM.
I don't know the laws in Canada, but I suggest you check them out before doing anything more that could lead to physical relations with this young man. Although he is mature for his age, he is still just a teenager.





He's also very vulnerable because of his family situation (or lack of it) and it might be easy to lead him into an unfortunate (and probably illegal) relationship.





Stop now and find out what the law is. In the USA, you could end up in jail if you have a sexual relationship with anyone under the age of 18. I also suggest stopping for his sake. You are, supposedly, the adult in this situation, and need to act like one. He is still not much more than a child and his judgment is not fully developed.
First off I read the entire post I think its sweet





But I don't think you should go any further with him. I think the only reason you find him attractive is because he is one of the first people you met and you are starting to bond with. Also maybe your the type that likes stuff you know you shouldn't have. In the long run if you do decide to take it further one or the both of you will get hurt. You ,for him leaving you for someone younger. Him, for you leaving him for someone more mature, or both for just the realization that the age difference is going to have a huge impact he has yet to experience certain things that you might have and one of you might get frustrated with each other because you aren't understanding where the other is coming from. I believe this is the biggest reason why you rarely ever see any couples with age difference of those magnitudes. Try seeing other men or getting to know other people you might realize that you were just interested because he is the only guy you know, if your still into him though then by all means pursue him ';the heart wants what the heart wants.'; Hearing about that hard thing poking you sounds like he is interested too, then again he is a teen boy and any type of cuddling or intimacy would get him hard
Therein lies the problem. Whether you see him as a 16 year old boy or not , he still is 16. That makes him totally off limits to a 30 year old woman. You are not a teenager anymore honey, and what you are proposing is immoral and illegal.


Get a life and move on . You are old enough to be his mother and the kind of relationship he is looking for from you is that of a mother he didn't get. If you seduce him , I hope they put you in jail and label you a sex offender, because that is what you are headed for. He is already carrying enough baggage from adults that have screwed up his life. He doesn't need you to contribute to that.
First of all: I don't think you're a pederast or doing anything illegal. Personally, I don't like to have double standards. If a 30 year old guy was in the same situation with a 16 year old girl, all kinds of red flags would be going off. But I do have a little bit of a double standard (I'm not proud about it).





The reason for the double standard: There is less of a stigma involved for a younger guy and an older woman. People will notice, but the reactions range from ';how fortuitous'; to ';he's being taken advantage of';.





On the other hand: 16 year olds typically are at a different level of emotional development than a 30 year old ... or a 22 year old. A 16 year old may have expectations and assumptions that a 30 year has completely forgotten about.





If you do become intimate, make sure you both understand each others expectations as well as possible, knowing that he may not even understand his own. Bringing it up will be awkward. If it's just as awkward for you as it is for him, then that means it's less likely that you're taking advantage of him. But having known him for less than 3 weeks, and his being able to afford to live there being dependent on you makes it more likely. What do you think is going to happen in 6-8 months when your job could take you elsewhere?





It sounds like you're physically and emotionally attracted to him, and that he's at least physically attracted to you. Maybe emotionally, I can't tell, and people who have crushes usually have difficulty telling too. If you do go forward, tread carefully.








EDIT (3 DAYS LATER): the more I think about this, I realize that it may have been something similar to what I would have fantasized about when I was 16, or when I was in my 20s, fantasized about it having happend to me when I was 16. But fantasies are not real life. I also had fantasies about lining up all the girls in my class naked, and then picking several to have sex with. And that's clearly disturbing if it were to really happen.





I would suggest telling him, in your own words, that you're naturally an open and affectionate person, and forget sometimes that he's 16, and that you aren't intending to be teasing him.


You've already been sending him signals, and he's already been thinking about them, so you've already affected his life (and he yours, to a lesser degree). It's not unusual for you to find a young person attractive, especially if your age-dar pegged him at 24. And it says something good about your character that you're now confounded about it, when you found out he was 16 not 25, after your crush started.





Good luck

No comments:

Post a Comment