He has been off drink for about 10 years. I just turned 15. My mum told when when I was younger and when he drank, I hated him and that I would never go near him. He went to AA meetings, which obviously helped him stop. Nowadays, when my mum, my sister and I go to my granny's house (my mum's mother), which we do only once a week. She lives 20 minutes away. We sleep up there every Saturday night. My dad though, he always gives out about that saying she(mum) is always away every night of the week up there. He hates the people from there, for some unkown reason.
But they're mostly all my mum's relatives (it's a small town) and friends, whom she enjoys spending time with. It's not that my dad actually would be with my mum if we were at home on Saturday nights. They have nothing in common. He mostly goes away most nights, he doesn't have a job you see, well technically he does, he has a delivery milk business, which he does NOTHING for. My brother works and goes out to deliver the milk, my mum does the bookkeeping for the business, what does he do? Take the money. And nothing else. His behaviour is so much worse these past months, he stopped going to AA meeting about a year ago, in which his behaviour has just deteriorated. My mum is very unhappy with him, he knows that. He is just one of those people you can't communicate with, no matter how hard you try.
My mum says he is acting the exact same way he does when he drank (And no he is definitely not actually still drinking) Which is called a dry drunk. Of course, he can never accept that. I woke up today to hear them argueing over it, she, calmly, tried to say to him she thinks he should start going back to the AA meetings. You know how when somebody has a drink/drug problem, no matter what or how many times you say it, they can't admit it, they're in denial they have a problem? Well, it makes it a million times worse with my dad because he is the kind of person who will not listen to anybody else's opinions. It's all about him. He knows everything. He is never wrong. Nothing is his fault. Everything that goes wrong with him or in the world is somebody else's fault, never his. He couldn't accept that he still needs the AA meetings. He says he is over that period in his life and it's done with, but the minute an alcoholic says that is the minute they start to go bad again. A few weeks ago, my dad and I had an arguement, he hit me, kicked me multiple times and threatened me with a wooden board, nothing he has ever done before. I was left with a big cut on my face which I had to tell my friends at school that I fell against a stack of drawers. After that, my mum and him knew there was nothing they could do to save the marriage, they wanted to sell the house and get seperate ones but with the economy the way it is, you wouldn't even get half of the house's worth. My mum now thinks, is losing all that money really that bad opposed to her being happy?
My questions are, where do you think we go from here? I have no problem with my parents splitting. I HATE my dad. That's not just typical teenager talk, I am deadly serious. If anybody moves out, it should be him, my mum works around here, we go to school here, the 3 kids(me, mu older sister and older brother) would live with my mum. My dad has no reason to stay, but he is stubborn. He wouldn't leave. He wants a wife that will do everything for him without hesitation and take all of his crap, which my mum is not willing to do.
What do you think should happen with all this? I don't want to leave my house, selfish, whatever, but I'd rather my house that I grew up in rather than my prick of a father. They're currently trying to decide what to do, I'm just confused.. How could he be convinved to back to AA meetings? Either way, we're still not happy living with him, but it would be better and easier to stay here, just until the we could get full value for the house.My dad is an alcoholic, my mum thinks he is now a dry drunk? (long, okay, very long, but i really need help)?
There is NO SUCH THING as a dry drunk! After many years of AA membership myself, I can tell you that there are few nutjobs more nutty than long-term AA members. To them, anyone who doesn't go to meetings anymore but has no trouble staying sober is automatically declared to be a ';dry drunk';.
There is, however, such a thing as a raving jerk. Perhaps he is THAT, but how on earth is going back to AA going to help THAT problem when the group is FULL of raving jerks...people claiming to be sober when they really aren't....sexual predators...yeah, that's a healthy place to send someone.
Look, if you don't like your dad, that's fine, sounds like he's a jerk....but a group of jerks won't make a jerk into a nice guy.
Friday, August 20, 2010
How do you cure an alcoholic who doesn't want to be cured?
my mum's been an alcoholic for the past.. three years? maybe four, but she's at her worst now. she just literally came out of prison and while it was absolutely great to talk to her when she was actually sober in prison, the first thing she did on being let out was go down to the off-licence, even before she came home to see us. i want to help her but i don't know how. my dad's given up on her, and he's forced to pay all her credit card debts off and we don't have that kind of money to feed her habit. (i'm sixteen, i live with my parents and two younger brothers, by the way) sometimes it feels as if my real mum is dead, because this drunk mum isn't my proper mum at all because her sober self and drunk self are completely different personalities. alcoholic meetings don't work because we can't get regular ones - they come every few months or so which is useless. she does WANT to stop (at least she says so), but she's drunk before i even get up and i imagine her only sober time is the early hours of the morning. she even helps herself to midnight drinks. :/ i found a question on here that i asked about my alcoholic mum a couple of years ago, which made me realise how bad it's got. if we take the drink away from her, she gets more and runs up more bills. if we leave her with it, she drinks that and then gets more. which is better to do? i don't want her to drink herself to death. we fight a lot but she's still my mother regardless. i just want her to be back to normal. how am i meant to do that?
/rant.How do you cure an alcoholic who doesn't want to be cured?
There is nothing that you can do to change the hurt and pain that is in your mother. That is something that she is trying to deal with and blot out with the use of alcohol or whatever substance. You on the other hand have a chance to change your life for the better. Look up Al-Anon and find a meeting. You can even go to an Al-Ateen meeting where you will meet others who are facing the same issues as you. Find the help that you need and it is amazing what will happen to you and possibly your entire family.How do you cure an alcoholic who doesn't want to be cured?
You can't help her if she is refusing the help. You dad needs to ensure she has no access to the funds so he can take care of the finances properly.
She is says what you want her to say. Hopefully she will decide to get better before it is to late.
The only way for an alcoholic to stop drinking is to lose EVERYTHING they have and hit the rock buttom. family members leaving them, losing the job, house and everything. It is only then that they realize they must stop drinking.
You can't fix other people. No matter how much you want to be the one doing the fixing, only the other person can fix themselves. The best you can do is help.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and your can't cure it. Let go, let God.
If someone doesn't want to be cured, you won't be able to cure them.
^^^^^
win.
i really do feel for you...my dad too is an alcoholic %26amp; there is really nothing any of us can do to cure them...until they admit they have a problem %26amp; are willing to go %26amp; get help.
if you take their drinks away...they will beg, steal or borrow to get more...so that too will not work. all we do now is just be there for my dad....%26amp; i think that is all you can do for your mum. be strong...not easy i know...she is lucky to have a caring child like you!!
I've been in the same situation as you and I'm afraid the above answers are quite right, you can't make them do it.
My mam got seriously unwell because of her alcoholism and ended up in rehab, she discharged herself once then went back. When her time was up the next time and she came out she cut herself off from us all. At Christmas we never heard anything from her at all,
You need support from people who know what its all about, you can't cure her or even make her go to rehab or anything. i'm sorry to say alcoholics say what they think you want to hear them say 'I want to stop drinking', 'if I didn't have any drink in the house I would stop'.
The most important thing is for you to realise your mum has to take responsibility for herself and I know thats really, really hard, especially when you're young and want and need you mum back.
I know too how hard it is when you see other peoples mum's behaving normally, I still feel jealous of other peoples relationships and I don't know if that will ever change.
but at least I know that it's not my fault, its not something I did that made this happen.
As far as I know My mam is sober now, don't know where she is or if she's well but I hope she is. At the end of the day - like you said - she's my mam and I love her, despite the emotional damage thats been done by now.
I've put the link on for alateen which is a support group for teens with a problem drinker in the family. you might find it helpful, you might not, you might never get in touch with them but then again, you might.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/inde鈥?/a>
I hope things work out for you. Just remember you're not alone.
I'm a lot older than you (37) and I found it difficult when we were going through it this last few years, my heart goes out to you.
take care
you can not i had a friend who was like your mum it hard my friend was bad on drink it killed her in the end. try get help i not know you but do want to you to go through what i did it not nice if i had to tell you all i be here at xmas please try get help for her good luck take care
unless an alcoholic wants to stop they never will and trying to help can be extremely draining for yourself you could try encouraging her to do so and drop little hints about how this is affecting you. i have been trying to help a neighbour/friend to stop for about six years now and though she is fully aware of how bad her behaviour is due to instantaneous mood changes and depression and confusion due to brain damage through the drink she continues in a vicious cycle of drinking, harming herself and her pets, hurting her friends who are trying to help her to suddenly realising, apologising, saying she wants to stop and then obviously never doing so and over the time i have tried to help her doing so has made me very ill and had me attacked on countless occasions and even left me to die when i fell unconscious through diabetes and only now i have realised that i cannot ever hope to stop her and although she can be the nicest and most caring person you could want to meet she can instantaneously change to the most evil person ive ever known and has seriously hurt me on many occasions. taking the drink away will never help but if when sober she is willing to cut down and limit the amount and rally wants to stop you may get there in short steps if you must try unfortunately we live in a world where both crime, violence and often destitution are fuelled by alcohol and an alcoholic is a very selfish person who cares about nothing but there next drink. my advice would be dont waste too much of your own life trying to do the impossible but obviously as this is your mother it would be very hard to turn your back so i wish you luck and hope for you and your mums sake she can stop
I understand that it is natural to love our parents no matter who they are. First of all I hope you know it's not your fault, and I would encourage you to seek help from a variety of places; councilors, Pastor, Another adult you can trust. Though this may be hard to accept your mom can't come back until she realizes she needs help, no matter what she tells you (though she may love you) she needs a professional to help her. Yes it's your right to love her, just don't become a co- dependent or an enabler. Also I would encourage you to make a plan on what you want from your life, and ask for help so you can gain this instead of sacrificing and losing your self; while loving someone else. If she loves you, this will also be important to her. Otherwise you loose all the way around. I have experience with a father and an ex- boy friend (He passed away believing he could handle it, and he was only 36 yrs old). you can find a local ALA-teen or local hospitals/clinics for more help/advice. Sacred Heart is also a good rehab place, contact them. What you are going through you most realize is bigger than you, if you really love her. Good luck
You don't.
YOU cannot cure anyone, and with a problem like alcohol and drugs, they ONLY way the person will be cured is when THEY want to.
SAYING you want to stop and DOING it are two different things. Substance abusers will most often tell their loved ones anything to get the loved ones to stop nagging! it doesn't mean anything -- they are not going to stop.
One thing you MUST do is stop ';enabling'; her. DO NOT provide her with alcohol, or with the opportunity to get alcohol. DO NOT fix drinks for her. Take ALL alcohol out of your house. if she wants alcohol, she has to go buy it. Do not give her money. if she's already drunk, she can't drive -- she has to walk.
Eventually, she will get down to the point that she will realize that she either quits drinking or she will die. MAYBE you can enlist a doctor's help in this, but substance abusers won't listen to them, either. To the substance abuser, everybody is a liar.
If the doctor cannot help, then there is nothing you an do bu wait until she hits rock bottom. Be there to keep her safe from harming her own self, and LET her hit bottom. be there for her when she tried to fight her way back up.
/rant.How do you cure an alcoholic who doesn't want to be cured?
There is nothing that you can do to change the hurt and pain that is in your mother. That is something that she is trying to deal with and blot out with the use of alcohol or whatever substance. You on the other hand have a chance to change your life for the better. Look up Al-Anon and find a meeting. You can even go to an Al-Ateen meeting where you will meet others who are facing the same issues as you. Find the help that you need and it is amazing what will happen to you and possibly your entire family.How do you cure an alcoholic who doesn't want to be cured?
You can't help her if she is refusing the help. You dad needs to ensure she has no access to the funds so he can take care of the finances properly.
She is says what you want her to say. Hopefully she will decide to get better before it is to late.
The only way for an alcoholic to stop drinking is to lose EVERYTHING they have and hit the rock buttom. family members leaving them, losing the job, house and everything. It is only then that they realize they must stop drinking.
You can't fix other people. No matter how much you want to be the one doing the fixing, only the other person can fix themselves. The best you can do is help.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and your can't cure it. Let go, let God.
If someone doesn't want to be cured, you won't be able to cure them.
^^^^^
win.
i really do feel for you...my dad too is an alcoholic %26amp; there is really nothing any of us can do to cure them...until they admit they have a problem %26amp; are willing to go %26amp; get help.
if you take their drinks away...they will beg, steal or borrow to get more...so that too will not work. all we do now is just be there for my dad....%26amp; i think that is all you can do for your mum. be strong...not easy i know...she is lucky to have a caring child like you!!
I've been in the same situation as you and I'm afraid the above answers are quite right, you can't make them do it.
My mam got seriously unwell because of her alcoholism and ended up in rehab, she discharged herself once then went back. When her time was up the next time and she came out she cut herself off from us all. At Christmas we never heard anything from her at all,
You need support from people who know what its all about, you can't cure her or even make her go to rehab or anything. i'm sorry to say alcoholics say what they think you want to hear them say 'I want to stop drinking', 'if I didn't have any drink in the house I would stop'.
The most important thing is for you to realise your mum has to take responsibility for herself and I know thats really, really hard, especially when you're young and want and need you mum back.
I know too how hard it is when you see other peoples mum's behaving normally, I still feel jealous of other peoples relationships and I don't know if that will ever change.
but at least I know that it's not my fault, its not something I did that made this happen.
As far as I know My mam is sober now, don't know where she is or if she's well but I hope she is. At the end of the day - like you said - she's my mam and I love her, despite the emotional damage thats been done by now.
I've put the link on for alateen which is a support group for teens with a problem drinker in the family. you might find it helpful, you might not, you might never get in touch with them but then again, you might.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/inde鈥?/a>
I hope things work out for you. Just remember you're not alone.
I'm a lot older than you (37) and I found it difficult when we were going through it this last few years, my heart goes out to you.
take care
you can not i had a friend who was like your mum it hard my friend was bad on drink it killed her in the end. try get help i not know you but do want to you to go through what i did it not nice if i had to tell you all i be here at xmas please try get help for her good luck take care
unless an alcoholic wants to stop they never will and trying to help can be extremely draining for yourself you could try encouraging her to do so and drop little hints about how this is affecting you. i have been trying to help a neighbour/friend to stop for about six years now and though she is fully aware of how bad her behaviour is due to instantaneous mood changes and depression and confusion due to brain damage through the drink she continues in a vicious cycle of drinking, harming herself and her pets, hurting her friends who are trying to help her to suddenly realising, apologising, saying she wants to stop and then obviously never doing so and over the time i have tried to help her doing so has made me very ill and had me attacked on countless occasions and even left me to die when i fell unconscious through diabetes and only now i have realised that i cannot ever hope to stop her and although she can be the nicest and most caring person you could want to meet she can instantaneously change to the most evil person ive ever known and has seriously hurt me on many occasions. taking the drink away will never help but if when sober she is willing to cut down and limit the amount and rally wants to stop you may get there in short steps if you must try unfortunately we live in a world where both crime, violence and often destitution are fuelled by alcohol and an alcoholic is a very selfish person who cares about nothing but there next drink. my advice would be dont waste too much of your own life trying to do the impossible but obviously as this is your mother it would be very hard to turn your back so i wish you luck and hope for you and your mums sake she can stop
I understand that it is natural to love our parents no matter who they are. First of all I hope you know it's not your fault, and I would encourage you to seek help from a variety of places; councilors, Pastor, Another adult you can trust. Though this may be hard to accept your mom can't come back until she realizes she needs help, no matter what she tells you (though she may love you) she needs a professional to help her. Yes it's your right to love her, just don't become a co- dependent or an enabler. Also I would encourage you to make a plan on what you want from your life, and ask for help so you can gain this instead of sacrificing and losing your self; while loving someone else. If she loves you, this will also be important to her. Otherwise you loose all the way around. I have experience with a father and an ex- boy friend (He passed away believing he could handle it, and he was only 36 yrs old). you can find a local ALA-teen or local hospitals/clinics for more help/advice. Sacred Heart is also a good rehab place, contact them. What you are going through you most realize is bigger than you, if you really love her. Good luck
You don't.
YOU cannot cure anyone, and with a problem like alcohol and drugs, they ONLY way the person will be cured is when THEY want to.
SAYING you want to stop and DOING it are two different things. Substance abusers will most often tell their loved ones anything to get the loved ones to stop nagging! it doesn't mean anything -- they are not going to stop.
One thing you MUST do is stop ';enabling'; her. DO NOT provide her with alcohol, or with the opportunity to get alcohol. DO NOT fix drinks for her. Take ALL alcohol out of your house. if she wants alcohol, she has to go buy it. Do not give her money. if she's already drunk, she can't drive -- she has to walk.
Eventually, she will get down to the point that she will realize that she either quits drinking or she will die. MAYBE you can enlist a doctor's help in this, but substance abusers won't listen to them, either. To the substance abuser, everybody is a liar.
If the doctor cannot help, then there is nothing you an do bu wait until she hits rock bottom. Be there to keep her safe from harming her own self, and LET her hit bottom. be there for her when she tried to fight her way back up.
What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?
Before our child was conceived, my BF had a severe (4+times/week) cocaine use/habit %26amp; was a heavy drinker (5+ drinks, 3-5 times/week). He then got emergency custody of his kids %26amp; his substance abuse toned down. Since his kids are now having visitation with their mother, he's taken back to the old habits -- mostly when the kids are gone. However, he still sneaks out after they're in bed or takes off for hours -- leaving me to take care of the household. With a baby on the way, he promised he wasn't doing cocaine any more and I had only witnessed the intoxication on about a once a week basis. I did just recently figure out he's been lying about being ';clean'; from cocaine. Here's my problem: I don't think I can/will expose my new baby to this behavior. I'm afraid he shouldn't be alone with a baby. I've shielded my son (8) from his habits but I'm terrified about the baby. He often says his kids are old enough (11-14) to take care of themselves so leaving for hours to hang out at a bar is fine. They can ';cook %26amp; clothe themselves.'; Yet a baby cannot. I am trying to find a place to live but feel a tremendous guilt about leaving his kids with no one that's really here for them. I feel horrible about splitting my son up from kids he regards as closely as siblings. His kids have confided that they feel I am the only person that takes care of them %26amp; have learned that having a dad gone all hours of the night is not ';normal.';
I have taken on the horrible task of documenting all his behavior. I have the phone records of his calls to his dealer. I have copies of credit card statements showing the amount of time %26amp; money he spends in bars.... I'm pretty sure he won't get any custodial rights to the baby. HOWEVER, I do not want it to come to some ugly mud slinging court case. I just want him to sign off all paternal right to the baby and let me fend for myself. I don't want to have to tell anyone that my baby's father is an alcoholic %26amp; drug addict but I don't know what I'm going to say when I move a month before a baby is born. I also feel very guilty about the fact that I am far from excited about the baby coming. I have no names. I have clothes %26amp; a car seat for the baby -- but nothing more. I have been waiting nine months for dad to change and I have put myself in a position requiring emergency action. He initially said he would move... then he said he would find me a place to live and pay for the first 6 months... now he's saying I'm on my own. I just wonder if moving with no job is even possible??? Am I doing the right thing? Honestly, if I just ignore his behavior, stay here, take care of all the kids -- money %26amp; a place to live are not a problem. It just doesn't seem right.
I've asked him to go to get help. He regrets his behavior but seems to think it's no big deal to be drunk all weekend (since Friday and counting...) and tells me it's none of my business. He will not go to a counseling or rehab service. He knows how to trick all the drug tests he needed to take to get custody of his kids. It just seems that waiting is hopeless. Since his habits are hidden, I look like a bit of a lunatic -- he's never been charged with drug crimes or alcohol related tickets. He's a steady provider that owns his own company. He's not abusive (except he calls me all kinds of names when he's drunk) and hides his ways very well. The whole situation has me scared, sad %26amp; feeling very stupid for exposing myself to this for so long. I cry a lot and I don't want to be around anyone except my family. If I had my way, I wouldn't even get out of bed but I have responsibilities.
From a completely non bias onlooker, what do I do?What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?
RUN! If he did not get clean for his other kids he certainly is not going to do it for you or your child. People who use cocaine or drink for long periods of time are highly unstable. Do you want to take the chance that he is driving one day intoxicated, pulled over and the police take your child from you for allowing him contact while you know full well he is a user.
Purely from a child protection stand point, I work for department of health and If I learned that you were aware of his ';problem'; and stayed with him, I would seriously question your protective capacity. What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?
Sounds like you already know what you need to do and so far you've done all the right things. Now you have to keep that positive action and apply it to all areas of your life. I understand that this is very emotional but you must protect your baby. Don't feel guilty about doing the right thing
When it comes to drug addicts and alcoholics, it is them that have to decide to go for help. They can go for you , but it will not work unless it is their idea to go. You can not make him better, he has to decide where he wants his life to end up. If he decides to let his life go down the tubes , don't go with him. You need to take care of your self, and try to get him to want help. Get on with your life, and live for yourself and the baby.
Good Luck with him,
I have taken on the horrible task of documenting all his behavior. I have the phone records of his calls to his dealer. I have copies of credit card statements showing the amount of time %26amp; money he spends in bars.... I'm pretty sure he won't get any custodial rights to the baby. HOWEVER, I do not want it to come to some ugly mud slinging court case. I just want him to sign off all paternal right to the baby and let me fend for myself. I don't want to have to tell anyone that my baby's father is an alcoholic %26amp; drug addict but I don't know what I'm going to say when I move a month before a baby is born. I also feel very guilty about the fact that I am far from excited about the baby coming. I have no names. I have clothes %26amp; a car seat for the baby -- but nothing more. I have been waiting nine months for dad to change and I have put myself in a position requiring emergency action. He initially said he would move... then he said he would find me a place to live and pay for the first 6 months... now he's saying I'm on my own. I just wonder if moving with no job is even possible??? Am I doing the right thing? Honestly, if I just ignore his behavior, stay here, take care of all the kids -- money %26amp; a place to live are not a problem. It just doesn't seem right.
I've asked him to go to get help. He regrets his behavior but seems to think it's no big deal to be drunk all weekend (since Friday and counting...) and tells me it's none of my business. He will not go to a counseling or rehab service. He knows how to trick all the drug tests he needed to take to get custody of his kids. It just seems that waiting is hopeless. Since his habits are hidden, I look like a bit of a lunatic -- he's never been charged with drug crimes or alcohol related tickets. He's a steady provider that owns his own company. He's not abusive (except he calls me all kinds of names when he's drunk) and hides his ways very well. The whole situation has me scared, sad %26amp; feeling very stupid for exposing myself to this for so long. I cry a lot and I don't want to be around anyone except my family. If I had my way, I wouldn't even get out of bed but I have responsibilities.
From a completely non bias onlooker, what do I do?What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?
RUN! If he did not get clean for his other kids he certainly is not going to do it for you or your child. People who use cocaine or drink for long periods of time are highly unstable. Do you want to take the chance that he is driving one day intoxicated, pulled over and the police take your child from you for allowing him contact while you know full well he is a user.
Purely from a child protection stand point, I work for department of health and If I learned that you were aware of his ';problem'; and stayed with him, I would seriously question your protective capacity. What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?
Sounds like you already know what you need to do and so far you've done all the right things. Now you have to keep that positive action and apply it to all areas of your life. I understand that this is very emotional but you must protect your baby. Don't feel guilty about doing the right thing
When it comes to drug addicts and alcoholics, it is them that have to decide to go for help. They can go for you , but it will not work unless it is their idea to go. You can not make him better, he has to decide where he wants his life to end up. If he decides to let his life go down the tubes , don't go with him. You need to take care of your self, and try to get him to want help. Get on with your life, and live for yourself and the baby.
Good Luck with him,
When should i apply for financial aid?
i am only a junior in high school coming up. and i just wanted to know how and when i should try and get Financial aid. i am planning on moving out so how will that work if i do not live with my parent/very alcoholic Bitc hWhen should i apply for financial aid?
You should start working on your FAFSA in your senior year of high school (Feb/March) if you plan on entering college in the fall semester after you graduate. (http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/)
If you don't want to live with your parents you will typically have to stay in the dorms at least for your freshman year. It is a good idea because most people meet their really close college friends in their dorms.
Once you figure out what school you are going to you should contact the financial aid office. They will normally answer any questions you have whether general or specific.When should i apply for financial aid?
Maybe you can try below website to get the information you need. It's about a unique student loans solution for your second opinion.
You need to complete the FAFSA by January of your senior year. So the sooner you do it, the better! You can find out more about financial aid here:
http://www.studentfinancedomain.com/fina鈥?/a>
And if you need student loans, read about them here:
http://www.studentfinancedomain.com/stud鈥?/a>
Good luck!
apply now
You should start working on your FAFSA in your senior year of high school (Feb/March) if you plan on entering college in the fall semester after you graduate. (http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/)
If you don't want to live with your parents you will typically have to stay in the dorms at least for your freshman year. It is a good idea because most people meet their really close college friends in their dorms.
Once you figure out what school you are going to you should contact the financial aid office. They will normally answer any questions you have whether general or specific.When should i apply for financial aid?
Maybe you can try below website to get the information you need. It's about a unique student loans solution for your second opinion.
You need to complete the FAFSA by January of your senior year. So the sooner you do it, the better! You can find out more about financial aid here:
http://www.studentfinancedomain.com/fina鈥?/a>
And if you need student loans, read about them here:
http://www.studentfinancedomain.com/stud鈥?/a>
Good luck!
apply now
Is my fiance an alcoholic and should I stay with him?
My 36 yr old best friend and fiance is drinking more often at higher quantities. He is Irish and German and drinking runs in his family so I understand that if he is an alcoholic, it is probably hereditary. He is bipolar for about 15 years (so is his mother) and he has been taking Lithium for a while and is doing great regarding his bipolar disease. He drinks. He drinks at Least every other day. We both have been looking for full time jobs and we may loose my house to foreclosure, so the situation is stressful already. We are handling all this fairly well because we know that we are together no matter what. BUT.... I do not desire to be with an alcoholic. He has a new friend who drinks nightly and my fiance is doing the same when they hang out together. The other man is in his 50's, a vet, not married, has a bunch of guns, money, and works in construction. My fiance was suppose to be getting work from him and attending jobs with him. For the 3 weeks they have known each other my fiance has brought home about 40 dollars, gets DRUNK when is with this guy. It started as going to his house for work, then coming home drunk, then spending the night because he is too drunk to drive home. He has spent the night as this guy's house twice. It's not really his house. He is house sitting a mansion actually, so I can see the attraction from my fiance's side....free beer and liquor and hanging out in a very nice place.
My fiance lies, he'll tell me that he going over there to work and comes home with no money. He can't even pay his car note or his auto insurance. He'll call me and tell me he is coming home in a couple minutes or a little while and I won't see him until I wake up in the morning. He asks me for gas money to get to his part time job, but he'll come home with beer and is asking me for money two days later. I was laid off from my full time job and now I only have a part time job which doesn't touch my mortgage payment. He knows this. He knows that the mortgage hasn't been paid since June and he knows that we are not doing good at all financially. He throws a childlike tantrum and gets rude and snippy if he can't drink. If I tell him that I will go put gas in his car for him, he gets mad and snippy because he won't be able to purchase beer. He started drinking more than every other day about 5 weeks ago, but we can't afford it and he has EVERY excuse in the world to ';need'; a drink. I don't drink. I use to drink wine which took me about 2 weeks to go through, but I stopped buying it about 6 months ago and because I know it is not an essential and needed product in this house. He doesn't understand that 20 buck a week for beer is TOO MUCH, we can't afford it and I am starving (because he eats twice as much as I) literally. He knows all this....................................鈥?br>
He knows that I won't marry an alcoholic (who refuses to get help) no matter how much we love each other. He is also vegan which he and I know isn't good for someone with bipolar disease, but he has been vegan for decades and it is how he eats, but he thinks that drinking isn't hurting him at all. He is already getting fatter since he has been drinking more often.
I told him that I want him to live as long as me and that he is speeding up his bipolar disease, that he shouldn't be drinking while on Lithium even though his disease is in check right now, that we can't afford it, that he shoudn't drink and drive, because he does....BUT he still comes up with ridiculous excuses to DRINK. We made an agreement about 2 months ago that he would only have 2 beers a night every other night. This was his idea and we both agreed. He broke the agreement about 3 days later and drank for 3 days in a row after we got into an argument.
Does he just not care?
Is he an alcoholic?
Should I break up with him?Is my fiance an alcoholic and should I stay with him?
I think you answered this all by yourself - \
';My fiance lies';
';he still comes up with ridiculous excuses to DRINK.';
';He broke the agreement about 3 days ';
If you're doubting this relationship and asking complete strangers for advice I believe you already know the answer. :(
Be strong, get out and look back on this in 20 years as a good decision and not ';I wonder what I could've been or could've done';. Remember to love yourself first then find someone to share it with. Is my fiance an alcoholic and should I stay with him?
I will be a hard life if you stay with him. Unless he changes very soon, I'd break it off. Hard to do, but youhave the rest of your life ahead of you and easier to break it off now than after being married...
I do not desire to be with an alcoholic? Yep l agree with ttommyfu. Sounds like you already made up your mind you just need to get some reinforcement. Get a job make the break or else let him drag you down with him.RR
Re-read your own question and pretend you are advising someone else in your situation. What would you say?
This fellow has a severe drinking problem, isn't taking proper care of his bipolar disorder, lies, is argumentative, and is financially irresponsible. Even ONE of those problems would be a deal-breaker for me personally, but all of them, taken together, can spell nothing more than a life of heartache and unless you are one who loves misery, you absolutely cannot marry this person. Also bipolar disorder has a hereditary component, so any kids you have might have the same problems.
Definitely break up with this guy; he is not marriage material and he never will be.
necklace myspace codes
My fiance lies, he'll tell me that he going over there to work and comes home with no money. He can't even pay his car note or his auto insurance. He'll call me and tell me he is coming home in a couple minutes or a little while and I won't see him until I wake up in the morning. He asks me for gas money to get to his part time job, but he'll come home with beer and is asking me for money two days later. I was laid off from my full time job and now I only have a part time job which doesn't touch my mortgage payment. He knows this. He knows that the mortgage hasn't been paid since June and he knows that we are not doing good at all financially. He throws a childlike tantrum and gets rude and snippy if he can't drink. If I tell him that I will go put gas in his car for him, he gets mad and snippy because he won't be able to purchase beer. He started drinking more than every other day about 5 weeks ago, but we can't afford it and he has EVERY excuse in the world to ';need'; a drink. I don't drink. I use to drink wine which took me about 2 weeks to go through, but I stopped buying it about 6 months ago and because I know it is not an essential and needed product in this house. He doesn't understand that 20 buck a week for beer is TOO MUCH, we can't afford it and I am starving (because he eats twice as much as I) literally. He knows all this....................................鈥?br>
He knows that I won't marry an alcoholic (who refuses to get help) no matter how much we love each other. He is also vegan which he and I know isn't good for someone with bipolar disease, but he has been vegan for decades and it is how he eats, but he thinks that drinking isn't hurting him at all. He is already getting fatter since he has been drinking more often.
I told him that I want him to live as long as me and that he is speeding up his bipolar disease, that he shouldn't be drinking while on Lithium even though his disease is in check right now, that we can't afford it, that he shoudn't drink and drive, because he does....BUT he still comes up with ridiculous excuses to DRINK. We made an agreement about 2 months ago that he would only have 2 beers a night every other night. This was his idea and we both agreed. He broke the agreement about 3 days later and drank for 3 days in a row after we got into an argument.
Does he just not care?
Is he an alcoholic?
Should I break up with him?Is my fiance an alcoholic and should I stay with him?
I think you answered this all by yourself - \
';My fiance lies';
';he still comes up with ridiculous excuses to DRINK.';
';He broke the agreement about 3 days ';
If you're doubting this relationship and asking complete strangers for advice I believe you already know the answer. :(
Be strong, get out and look back on this in 20 years as a good decision and not ';I wonder what I could've been or could've done';. Remember to love yourself first then find someone to share it with. Is my fiance an alcoholic and should I stay with him?
I will be a hard life if you stay with him. Unless he changes very soon, I'd break it off. Hard to do, but youhave the rest of your life ahead of you and easier to break it off now than after being married...
I do not desire to be with an alcoholic? Yep l agree with ttommyfu. Sounds like you already made up your mind you just need to get some reinforcement. Get a job make the break or else let him drag you down with him.RR
Re-read your own question and pretend you are advising someone else in your situation. What would you say?
This fellow has a severe drinking problem, isn't taking proper care of his bipolar disorder, lies, is argumentative, and is financially irresponsible. Even ONE of those problems would be a deal-breaker for me personally, but all of them, taken together, can spell nothing more than a life of heartache and unless you are one who loves misery, you absolutely cannot marry this person. Also bipolar disorder has a hereditary component, so any kids you have might have the same problems.
Definitely break up with this guy; he is not marriage material and he never will be.
Am I becoming an Alcoholic? What is the risk I'll be one if i'm not yet one?
In the past, I've lost two family members due to alcohol related illnesses. And currently my mom is suffering from alcoholism as well, and I have many not related alcoholics in my family such as step dad ect. just like most of all the other females in my family. I've noticed that my siblings 19 and 20 and my cousin 17 all seem to be drinking a lot a well.
I'm a fifteen year old female, so it doesn't seem like I'd be at a high risk, But I started drinking at 11, and drank so much i had alcohol poising and got an M.I.P. charge all at 12. I've spent 4 years drinking very heavily.
In the last two years, I drank more and on average during the school year, I drank almost twice every weekend and at least on day during the week alone up in my bedroom. And in the summer, it probably equaled out to about 5 times per week. As a general rule, on a drinking night I consume about 5 to 7 shots of a 40% alcohol liquor
And through the years, I've drank a half of a fifth and almost a complete one, I currently weigh 127 pounds but have weighed even less like 110 to my current weight and been able to put away close to the same amount.
Physically, I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I have no with draw symptoms, or anything involving the shakes %26amp; ect.
However I'm not even sure if this is possible but in some terms
I feel like I'm an alcoholic emotionally wise, like my body isn't addicted yet, but something about me emotionally is,
I haven't drank in the past three weeks, and it wasn't a struggle,
(I never set out to stop, the way many things turned out, just allowed that to happen.)
But, now that I'm not really drinking I feel like something in my heart and in my life is missing. Hanging out with my friends, is different, it's simply not the same and it's boring. %26amp; alcohol has been such a big part of my life for so long, now that I don't really drink I spend my weekends at home, I feel so dumb like i don't have friends, actually me not drinking has caused some distance between a few of my very close friends.
I'm going through a lot of things in my life, and now that I have to deal with them, without alcohol taking the edge off, i realize how much I wish I were drinking. Pictures of me and my friends drunk at parties seem so far away now....
I'm so confused, I thought that chilling out with my drinking was going
to make things better as a whole, and allow me to finally be happy,
But instead I'm full of indescribable feelings and emotions, and the funny thing is, I felt the exact same way in sixth grade, when I decided to leave drinking, and all my bad friends in the past,
I've saw from first hand experience what alcoholism can do,
I watched my aunt slowly kill her self through the years,
and watched my grandma do the same. I watched my mom
also do the same, as well as my step dad and other grandma
I watch my brother constantly get DUI and go to jail, and in
my own life I know what alcohol dose to you.
From my own drinking experiences, I've saw the choices
alcohol has help me make, and I've saw the evils of it,
and I've felt like i was in a bottomless hole after week
after week after week of drinking, and having sex with
random guys.
I watched alcoholics bounce from rehab to rehab,
and watched them in the hospital with they're liver dysfunctions
and pancreas problems, and long ago I've decided that
wont be the life I'll live,
After all that, I don't understand why I still drink,
I know a lot about alcoholism, the effects the
death statistics, yet they don't affect me when I'm
drinking or stop me I just keep drinking,
and making the same mistakes over and over?
I'm so confused right now,
What the hell is wrong w/ me, why can't I stop drinking after everything
i've been through with it, and all IK about it?
Am I already becoming an alcoholic?
If I'm not, what is the risk of me becoming one?
How can I prevent this?
If I'm so unhappy about my drinking, why am i not happy about stopping either?
-I don't want to be an alcoholic, I really don't want to drink again, and let these 3 weeks be my start of sobriety, but these past weeks I've been hanging out around home, and stuff with friends that I have no temptation, how am I going to resist alcohol at a party, or if i simply go out once again, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life bored at home,
And with these emotions I'm feeling after not drinking, are they normal? Do any others get them or am I just really depressed?
Is there anyways to stop them?Am I becoming an Alcoholic? What is the risk I'll be one if i'm not yet one?
The short answer is - yes...you have become an alcoholic (that's why you can't stop drinking even with everything you've seen %26amp; been through). You started drinking at an unusually young age, you drink too much and too often. Its already affected your health (alcohol poisoning) and your relationships. On the positive side, you are still young, you've been able to quit for three weeks and you sound very insightful, sensitive, intelligent and motivated to find answers and do the right thing. You need to continue to NOT drink...get some help to help you stay sober and gain insight as to what purpose alcohol is serving for you (you may suffer from depression %26amp; use alcohol as a means of feeling less depressed or masking anxiety or just general negative feelings). Counseling for alcohol treatment will help you get to the bottom of those feelings, how you use alcohol and what you can do to constructively manage negative feelings. You're feelings are very normal for what you've been going through. You could start with an Ala-Teen group in your area. That approach doesn't work for everyone, but its a good place to start to learn about alcoholism.
I'm glad you posted your concerns.Am I becoming an Alcoholic? What is the risk I'll be one if i'm not yet one?
you should start drinking root beer for a while thats stuff is great for curing diseases
Unfortunately. yes it does sound like you are an alcoholic than is hurting and using it to dampen your silent suffering. Seek God, He'll help you get to the root of your pain that you may not even know exists. I'll keep you in my prayers. May He bless you with the truth and help heal you.
Yes, you are an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease and it's not something you can treat alone. You need to join a support group and make friends with people who don't drink. It's hard to believe but not all teens drink or do drugs. I'm 31 and waited until I was 23 to have my first drink and I have never done any drugs...not even marijuana.
Alcoholism cannot be cured so it's very important to have the support of friends and/or family. If you are unable to go to your family for help, it's time to talk to a teacher, counselor, minister, etc. Please get help now! Your life depends on it.
Good luck.
Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds somewhat like your only activity with your friends is drinking. Do you ever do anything together besides that? If you don't then you've based your friendships on alcohol which isn't good.
Whatever you do don't drink to get rid of feelings. That is what alcoholism is.
I'm a fifteen year old female, so it doesn't seem like I'd be at a high risk, But I started drinking at 11, and drank so much i had alcohol poising and got an M.I.P. charge all at 12. I've spent 4 years drinking very heavily.
In the last two years, I drank more and on average during the school year, I drank almost twice every weekend and at least on day during the week alone up in my bedroom. And in the summer, it probably equaled out to about 5 times per week. As a general rule, on a drinking night I consume about 5 to 7 shots of a 40% alcohol liquor
And through the years, I've drank a half of a fifth and almost a complete one, I currently weigh 127 pounds but have weighed even less like 110 to my current weight and been able to put away close to the same amount.
Physically, I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I have no with draw symptoms, or anything involving the shakes %26amp; ect.
However I'm not even sure if this is possible but in some terms
I feel like I'm an alcoholic emotionally wise, like my body isn't addicted yet, but something about me emotionally is,
I haven't drank in the past three weeks, and it wasn't a struggle,
(I never set out to stop, the way many things turned out, just allowed that to happen.)
But, now that I'm not really drinking I feel like something in my heart and in my life is missing. Hanging out with my friends, is different, it's simply not the same and it's boring. %26amp; alcohol has been such a big part of my life for so long, now that I don't really drink I spend my weekends at home, I feel so dumb like i don't have friends, actually me not drinking has caused some distance between a few of my very close friends.
I'm going through a lot of things in my life, and now that I have to deal with them, without alcohol taking the edge off, i realize how much I wish I were drinking. Pictures of me and my friends drunk at parties seem so far away now....
I'm so confused, I thought that chilling out with my drinking was going
to make things better as a whole, and allow me to finally be happy,
But instead I'm full of indescribable feelings and emotions, and the funny thing is, I felt the exact same way in sixth grade, when I decided to leave drinking, and all my bad friends in the past,
I've saw from first hand experience what alcoholism can do,
I watched my aunt slowly kill her self through the years,
and watched my grandma do the same. I watched my mom
also do the same, as well as my step dad and other grandma
I watch my brother constantly get DUI and go to jail, and in
my own life I know what alcohol dose to you.
From my own drinking experiences, I've saw the choices
alcohol has help me make, and I've saw the evils of it,
and I've felt like i was in a bottomless hole after week
after week after week of drinking, and having sex with
random guys.
I watched alcoholics bounce from rehab to rehab,
and watched them in the hospital with they're liver dysfunctions
and pancreas problems, and long ago I've decided that
wont be the life I'll live,
After all that, I don't understand why I still drink,
I know a lot about alcoholism, the effects the
death statistics, yet they don't affect me when I'm
drinking or stop me I just keep drinking,
and making the same mistakes over and over?
I'm so confused right now,
What the hell is wrong w/ me, why can't I stop drinking after everything
i've been through with it, and all IK about it?
Am I already becoming an alcoholic?
If I'm not, what is the risk of me becoming one?
How can I prevent this?
If I'm so unhappy about my drinking, why am i not happy about stopping either?
-I don't want to be an alcoholic, I really don't want to drink again, and let these 3 weeks be my start of sobriety, but these past weeks I've been hanging out around home, and stuff with friends that I have no temptation, how am I going to resist alcohol at a party, or if i simply go out once again, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life bored at home,
And with these emotions I'm feeling after not drinking, are they normal? Do any others get them or am I just really depressed?
Is there anyways to stop them?Am I becoming an Alcoholic? What is the risk I'll be one if i'm not yet one?
The short answer is - yes...you have become an alcoholic (that's why you can't stop drinking even with everything you've seen %26amp; been through). You started drinking at an unusually young age, you drink too much and too often. Its already affected your health (alcohol poisoning) and your relationships. On the positive side, you are still young, you've been able to quit for three weeks and you sound very insightful, sensitive, intelligent and motivated to find answers and do the right thing. You need to continue to NOT drink...get some help to help you stay sober and gain insight as to what purpose alcohol is serving for you (you may suffer from depression %26amp; use alcohol as a means of feeling less depressed or masking anxiety or just general negative feelings). Counseling for alcohol treatment will help you get to the bottom of those feelings, how you use alcohol and what you can do to constructively manage negative feelings. You're feelings are very normal for what you've been going through. You could start with an Ala-Teen group in your area. That approach doesn't work for everyone, but its a good place to start to learn about alcoholism.
I'm glad you posted your concerns.Am I becoming an Alcoholic? What is the risk I'll be one if i'm not yet one?
you should start drinking root beer for a while thats stuff is great for curing diseases
Unfortunately. yes it does sound like you are an alcoholic than is hurting and using it to dampen your silent suffering. Seek God, He'll help you get to the root of your pain that you may not even know exists. I'll keep you in my prayers. May He bless you with the truth and help heal you.
Yes, you are an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease and it's not something you can treat alone. You need to join a support group and make friends with people who don't drink. It's hard to believe but not all teens drink or do drugs. I'm 31 and waited until I was 23 to have my first drink and I have never done any drugs...not even marijuana.
Alcoholism cannot be cured so it's very important to have the support of friends and/or family. If you are unable to go to your family for help, it's time to talk to a teacher, counselor, minister, etc. Please get help now! Your life depends on it.
Good luck.
Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds somewhat like your only activity with your friends is drinking. Do you ever do anything together besides that? If you don't then you've based your friendships on alcohol which isn't good.
Whatever you do don't drink to get rid of feelings. That is what alcoholism is.
My alcoholic friend is flipping out and coming to stay here?
she's going to stay for a few days...she is currently living with an abusive boyfriend, drinking waayy too much and basically not doing anything with ther life...they had a huge fight and she said she needs to get away for a few days (I live 2 hours away) ...I am off work for the next few days so I said she could come...any tips or suggestions of how to advise her or really get through to her?My alcoholic friend is flipping out and coming to stay here?
The first thing you need to do is either a) get rid of all of your alcohol or b) lock up and hide your alcohol because you definitely do not want to encourage her bad habit. Also, you have to either report her boyfriend or get her away from him for GOOD. Chances are that one of the main reasons she is drinking is because her boyfriend is abusive. If her habit seems extremely malignant you have to check her into rehab right away and make sure she has the resources to get her life back together; trust me, you'd be the best friend in the world to do this. My alcoholic friend is flipping out and coming to stay here?
Take her to an AA meeting. And keep in mind that you are not responsible for her. You can only guide her, the rest is up to her.
try to keep her from drinking for one
you need to do what you can to convince her not to continue in an abusive relationship and let her know she has your support
The first thing you need to do is either a) get rid of all of your alcohol or b) lock up and hide your alcohol because you definitely do not want to encourage her bad habit. Also, you have to either report her boyfriend or get her away from him for GOOD. Chances are that one of the main reasons she is drinking is because her boyfriend is abusive. If her habit seems extremely malignant you have to check her into rehab right away and make sure she has the resources to get her life back together; trust me, you'd be the best friend in the world to do this. My alcoholic friend is flipping out and coming to stay here?
Take her to an AA meeting. And keep in mind that you are not responsible for her. You can only guide her, the rest is up to her.
try to keep her from drinking for one
you need to do what you can to convince her not to continue in an abusive relationship and let her know she has your support
Help With An Alcoholic Relationship?
I'm in a hole,
I live with my boyfriend, a man that i love so much, much more than anything in this world. I've been with him for going on 3 years now, and i'm questioning myself whether i should leave him or not.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's been an alcoholic ever since i met him. In fact, when i met him i was a drinker as well, not an alcoholic, but drinking was pretty much my main focus. When i was a drinker i found it attractive about him too that he was as well, of course because at the time i didnt care about anything else.
When i moved in with him he was jobless as was i. I eventually got a job (and several other jobs afterwards) to support us because we were spending too much money on alcohol and cigarettes, and we needed to move out of his moms house. He's complained and i've moved him twice, working jobs and supporting us, and him still as being an alcoholic trying to recover (he hasnt worked but for 1 week since 3 years).
If you can understand, my individual life got really frusterating and i'm no longer drinking. But my boyfriend still is. He has tried to quit, i've payed for him 3 times to go to detox, even to St Anthony's hospital, but it hasnt worked for him. He truely does have a disease and he does want to quit. However....I just cant deal with his drunkeness anymore. I've tried to be hard, and give tough love and say ';Look, get sober, try harder or else i'm outa here...'; and we've gone over rules and what and what not to do about when he is drinking. But, these rules and agreements are always subsided if he has one drink too many.
I just cannot stand him anymore when he is drunk. I love him to death, if he werent my boyfriend he'd be my best friend just the same, and i'd love him still as a human being. But, when he's drunk he's always shitty and talks under his breath and i just cannot stand it. I cannot stand to see him like that anymore, when i do, everytime inside i just want to beat the **** out of him....I feel so full of rage, i feel like my life with this is litterally making me crazy, and it probably is. But, try to explain it to a drunk.....Even when he's sober, it doesnt register well. I mean, I've worked for the past whole year sober waiting on HIS promise to get sober, i take care of everything! I do everything on my own, i'm tired of how he acts when he's drunk, i'm tired of him not working and helping me out, i'm just straight up done with the alcoholism. I cannot take it anymore, i am so full of rage and hate inside now because of what this life like this has caused to me.
I dont believe that i can just straight up leave him because i'm not happy, or want a better life. Because this man, is the most beautiful human being i've ever met inside. Yes he has a huge problem with alcohol, but he's so special. I pray to God for him every night, and i just feel like...like i've felt for the past 2 years...that if i were to leave it's wrong, because i love him and he deserves help in this. I dont want him to become a totally misserable human being like i am becoming. I want him to have a LIFE, and enjoy it. I dont want him to die because of this wasting his life away. As nobody with alcoholism deserves, yes they got themselves into it, but it is harder than any drug to kick. I know personally, i've drank, and my father is an alcoholic.
So you see, i'm challanged. I feel so terrible because i cant help but get so enraged when he's drunk. I'm so tired of my life i'm sure i'm probably nuts by now, i'm sure i probably need some medication...but still. I'm so torn up inside, i'll litterally go into my bedroom and break things, and throw things, yell and scream...if you can imagine how bad you have to feel inside to be able to behave that way, and not even able to control it. The huge fights and problems we have, i know that they stem from the alcohol ( i know it's all different in the morning, sometimes) but it's not what goes on that pisses me off anymore, it's the fac that alcohol is involved in it STILL.
Any of you out there, who have either been an alcohlic, drinker, or family or friend of an alcoholic...please give me some advice. And dont tell me to be going to ALANON meetings because i dont even have the gas money to get there. I need some other kind of help....preferably from people with experience please.
I sure do appreciate you reading all of that.Help With An Alcoholic Relationship?
Honestly, I did not read all of this.
What I got out of the begining is this man is using you.
He needs to address his addictions and you can not and should not do it with him.
By supporting his unemployed self you are enabling him. That is making him sicker.
Hard as it would be - leaving him is best for you both.Help With An Alcoholic Relationship?
I only have one thing to say. I'd like to see you love yourself as much as you love him. Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place.Alkies are a total pain in the a$$ to deal with because it's all about them and THEIR needs.Theres a lot of things that I could say but none would help you as much as me telling you to start taking better care of yourself, step by step,minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. This will sound harsh but it's the truth. he loves liquor more than you, no matter what he might say in his moments of sobriety.Truthfully it doesn't really matter what he wants anymore.What matters is what you are willing to do to stay in this f#cked up situation. What would you tell your daughter( if you had one) and she was involved with a guy like this?You know what to do, the problem is how to do it and not have more drama in the process of extricating yourself from this relationship.He's not ever going to leave you alone so don't hope for that.He's not going to get his act together or realize what he's doing until it's too late.
If it were me( and I've been in some pretty sh#tty situations before in the past) I'd frickin leave town for good. I'd wait till he left the house and throw a bunch of my stuff in a bag and get the hell out.Obviously,don't stay somewhere where he can find you.If you're broke go to a womens shelter and tell them he beats you and that you need a place to stay.I don't care if you have to lie or whatever, just find a safe place to hang out and get yourself together.You'll need plenty of help %26amp; support to get through this because yes, there's life after being with an alkie.You've just been so immersed in HIS needs, HIS wants, HIS problems that you haven't had the time to take care of you.Do you even remember who you are or has he sucked the life out of you?Know what I mean?You take care of you and then you'll be in a better position to decide to how to proceed next. Geez, I'd hate to see an intellegent person waste whatever time they have left on this planet trying to help save a boozehound.The booze defines him and feeds his spirit. You realize that you cannot compete with that, right?
The ship is going down honey and you need to get off while theres some shred of sanity left in you,ok? Take care...
Ok same question posted, same answer. As I said:
Go to an Al Anon meeting tonight. You don't need money to get there- if you call, someone will come and get you. Stop wasting your life and get real.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
You can't help him unless he wants to help himself, and if he wanted to help himself, he would be giving the rehab a better go than it sounds like he has. You yourself sound like you are on the verge of emotional burnout - I have been there. When you hit that wall, you will stop caring. You won't have the strength to care anymore. You can't help him if you don't help yourself first.
You say you can't straight up leave him, but you may not have another choice. For 3 years you have been trying with you there and it's not working. You say if he doesn't sort himself out, you will leave - but you never do, so he doesn't take the threat seriously. I'm sure Stephen King said he didn't start dealing with his alcoholism until his wife packed the kids and left. It might be the wake up call he needs.
You need to think about where your life is going. If he doesn't sort himself out, what do you have to look forward to? Do you want kids in the future? No way you will be having them with him if things don't change. I know the decision is hard - I had to work my way through these issues, not for alcoholism, but for multiple personalities. At the end of the day I realised I couldn't make him get help and I was only damaging myself by staying. We divorced - but Stephen King and his wife reconciled. You won't know which way you are going until you give it a try.
Hi - I had my last drink in 1982.
With respect you cancel your request for input from others out. Because on the one hand you say you are in a difficult situation and in the next breath you say you cannot leave.
We could sit and talk all day, but there will not be another option. You either stay or you leave.
I do not believe in judging people. Neither do I believe a person cannot change. I do believe in helping people. BUT I had to learn not to take ultimate responsibility for them, their choices or their happiness - they really are independant people capable of much more than we credit them for. At some level they had to take responsibility for themselves, for their lives, for their happiness. Your partner has to take responsibility for his past, his drinking his problem and you have to take responsibility for your choice whether to leave him or not.
I have to generalise now because I don't really know you. Alcoholism although it becomes a problem in itself and people often need help to break the cycle of addiction, ultimately the drinking was a symptom of cognitive (thinking) problems. That is why alcoholics often sober up but continue to behave in ways which are not in their best interests, because the unhelpful, illogical, beliefs about themselves, others and life are still inplace. After getting free of the physical aspect of alcoholism, it becomes a thinking issue.
Temper problems, procrastination, depression, easily frustrated, illogical, unhelpful ideas do not go away after alcohol is put down. Putting down a drink is just a starting place for many and a symtom of these other issues - the real original problem.
I left AA when I was about 12 years sober because I didn't buy really buy it. When I was 20 yrs sober I still had emotional problems. Perhaps three years ago I began reading books on a branch of cognitve behaviour therapy called Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. I can tell you I have learned more in this last three years than all of the previous 20.
There is a website smartrecovery.org which is based on REBT.
Good luck
My husband is an alcoholic (in recovery) and my family is loaded with addictions of all types. I KNOW how you feel. I've been in that same hole. The disease of addiction is a fatal disease which ends in death. He's very sick. You are too. It makes us sick living with it and trying to SAVE them. We get used to things that are CRAZY. I have learned that I can't live with active addiction in my house--I just can't. Take care of yourself--please go back to Al-anon--call and someone will come for you. I didn't click with the 12 Steps at first, but it the end, they saved my life. He needs to go back to treatment, soon.myspace pics human skin
I live with my boyfriend, a man that i love so much, much more than anything in this world. I've been with him for going on 3 years now, and i'm questioning myself whether i should leave him or not.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's been an alcoholic ever since i met him. In fact, when i met him i was a drinker as well, not an alcoholic, but drinking was pretty much my main focus. When i was a drinker i found it attractive about him too that he was as well, of course because at the time i didnt care about anything else.
When i moved in with him he was jobless as was i. I eventually got a job (and several other jobs afterwards) to support us because we were spending too much money on alcohol and cigarettes, and we needed to move out of his moms house. He's complained and i've moved him twice, working jobs and supporting us, and him still as being an alcoholic trying to recover (he hasnt worked but for 1 week since 3 years).
If you can understand, my individual life got really frusterating and i'm no longer drinking. But my boyfriend still is. He has tried to quit, i've payed for him 3 times to go to detox, even to St Anthony's hospital, but it hasnt worked for him. He truely does have a disease and he does want to quit. However....I just cant deal with his drunkeness anymore. I've tried to be hard, and give tough love and say ';Look, get sober, try harder or else i'm outa here...'; and we've gone over rules and what and what not to do about when he is drinking. But, these rules and agreements are always subsided if he has one drink too many.
I just cannot stand him anymore when he is drunk. I love him to death, if he werent my boyfriend he'd be my best friend just the same, and i'd love him still as a human being. But, when he's drunk he's always shitty and talks under his breath and i just cannot stand it. I cannot stand to see him like that anymore, when i do, everytime inside i just want to beat the **** out of him....I feel so full of rage, i feel like my life with this is litterally making me crazy, and it probably is. But, try to explain it to a drunk.....Even when he's sober, it doesnt register well. I mean, I've worked for the past whole year sober waiting on HIS promise to get sober, i take care of everything! I do everything on my own, i'm tired of how he acts when he's drunk, i'm tired of him not working and helping me out, i'm just straight up done with the alcoholism. I cannot take it anymore, i am so full of rage and hate inside now because of what this life like this has caused to me.
I dont believe that i can just straight up leave him because i'm not happy, or want a better life. Because this man, is the most beautiful human being i've ever met inside. Yes he has a huge problem with alcohol, but he's so special. I pray to God for him every night, and i just feel like...like i've felt for the past 2 years...that if i were to leave it's wrong, because i love him and he deserves help in this. I dont want him to become a totally misserable human being like i am becoming. I want him to have a LIFE, and enjoy it. I dont want him to die because of this wasting his life away. As nobody with alcoholism deserves, yes they got themselves into it, but it is harder than any drug to kick. I know personally, i've drank, and my father is an alcoholic.
So you see, i'm challanged. I feel so terrible because i cant help but get so enraged when he's drunk. I'm so tired of my life i'm sure i'm probably nuts by now, i'm sure i probably need some medication...but still. I'm so torn up inside, i'll litterally go into my bedroom and break things, and throw things, yell and scream...if you can imagine how bad you have to feel inside to be able to behave that way, and not even able to control it. The huge fights and problems we have, i know that they stem from the alcohol ( i know it's all different in the morning, sometimes) but it's not what goes on that pisses me off anymore, it's the fac that alcohol is involved in it STILL.
Any of you out there, who have either been an alcohlic, drinker, or family or friend of an alcoholic...please give me some advice. And dont tell me to be going to ALANON meetings because i dont even have the gas money to get there. I need some other kind of help....preferably from people with experience please.
I sure do appreciate you reading all of that.Help With An Alcoholic Relationship?
Honestly, I did not read all of this.
What I got out of the begining is this man is using you.
He needs to address his addictions and you can not and should not do it with him.
By supporting his unemployed self you are enabling him. That is making him sicker.
Hard as it would be - leaving him is best for you both.Help With An Alcoholic Relationship?
I only have one thing to say. I'd like to see you love yourself as much as you love him. Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place.Alkies are a total pain in the a$$ to deal with because it's all about them and THEIR needs.Theres a lot of things that I could say but none would help you as much as me telling you to start taking better care of yourself, step by step,minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. This will sound harsh but it's the truth. he loves liquor more than you, no matter what he might say in his moments of sobriety.Truthfully it doesn't really matter what he wants anymore.What matters is what you are willing to do to stay in this f#cked up situation. What would you tell your daughter( if you had one) and she was involved with a guy like this?You know what to do, the problem is how to do it and not have more drama in the process of extricating yourself from this relationship.He's not ever going to leave you alone so don't hope for that.He's not going to get his act together or realize what he's doing until it's too late.
If it were me( and I've been in some pretty sh#tty situations before in the past) I'd frickin leave town for good. I'd wait till he left the house and throw a bunch of my stuff in a bag and get the hell out.Obviously,don't stay somewhere where he can find you.If you're broke go to a womens shelter and tell them he beats you and that you need a place to stay.I don't care if you have to lie or whatever, just find a safe place to hang out and get yourself together.You'll need plenty of help %26amp; support to get through this because yes, there's life after being with an alkie.You've just been so immersed in HIS needs, HIS wants, HIS problems that you haven't had the time to take care of you.Do you even remember who you are or has he sucked the life out of you?Know what I mean?You take care of you and then you'll be in a better position to decide to how to proceed next. Geez, I'd hate to see an intellegent person waste whatever time they have left on this planet trying to help save a boozehound.The booze defines him and feeds his spirit. You realize that you cannot compete with that, right?
The ship is going down honey and you need to get off while theres some shred of sanity left in you,ok? Take care...
Ok same question posted, same answer. As I said:
Go to an Al Anon meeting tonight. You don't need money to get there- if you call, someone will come and get you. Stop wasting your life and get real.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
You can't help him unless he wants to help himself, and if he wanted to help himself, he would be giving the rehab a better go than it sounds like he has. You yourself sound like you are on the verge of emotional burnout - I have been there. When you hit that wall, you will stop caring. You won't have the strength to care anymore. You can't help him if you don't help yourself first.
You say you can't straight up leave him, but you may not have another choice. For 3 years you have been trying with you there and it's not working. You say if he doesn't sort himself out, you will leave - but you never do, so he doesn't take the threat seriously. I'm sure Stephen King said he didn't start dealing with his alcoholism until his wife packed the kids and left. It might be the wake up call he needs.
You need to think about where your life is going. If he doesn't sort himself out, what do you have to look forward to? Do you want kids in the future? No way you will be having them with him if things don't change. I know the decision is hard - I had to work my way through these issues, not for alcoholism, but for multiple personalities. At the end of the day I realised I couldn't make him get help and I was only damaging myself by staying. We divorced - but Stephen King and his wife reconciled. You won't know which way you are going until you give it a try.
Hi - I had my last drink in 1982.
With respect you cancel your request for input from others out. Because on the one hand you say you are in a difficult situation and in the next breath you say you cannot leave.
We could sit and talk all day, but there will not be another option. You either stay or you leave.
I do not believe in judging people. Neither do I believe a person cannot change. I do believe in helping people. BUT I had to learn not to take ultimate responsibility for them, their choices or their happiness - they really are independant people capable of much more than we credit them for. At some level they had to take responsibility for themselves, for their lives, for their happiness. Your partner has to take responsibility for his past, his drinking his problem and you have to take responsibility for your choice whether to leave him or not.
I have to generalise now because I don't really know you. Alcoholism although it becomes a problem in itself and people often need help to break the cycle of addiction, ultimately the drinking was a symptom of cognitive (thinking) problems. That is why alcoholics often sober up but continue to behave in ways which are not in their best interests, because the unhelpful, illogical, beliefs about themselves, others and life are still inplace. After getting free of the physical aspect of alcoholism, it becomes a thinking issue.
Temper problems, procrastination, depression, easily frustrated, illogical, unhelpful ideas do not go away after alcohol is put down. Putting down a drink is just a starting place for many and a symtom of these other issues - the real original problem.
I left AA when I was about 12 years sober because I didn't buy really buy it. When I was 20 yrs sober I still had emotional problems. Perhaps three years ago I began reading books on a branch of cognitve behaviour therapy called Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. I can tell you I have learned more in this last three years than all of the previous 20.
There is a website smartrecovery.org which is based on REBT.
Good luck
My husband is an alcoholic (in recovery) and my family is loaded with addictions of all types. I KNOW how you feel. I've been in that same hole. The disease of addiction is a fatal disease which ends in death. He's very sick. You are too. It makes us sick living with it and trying to SAVE them. We get used to things that are CRAZY. I have learned that I can't live with active addiction in my house--I just can't. Take care of yourself--please go back to Al-anon--call and someone will come for you. I didn't click with the 12 Steps at first, but it the end, they saved my life. He needs to go back to treatment, soon.
How long does a person have to live with liver failure?
My father in law has been a alcoholic his whole life. My husband, and his father are not on speaking terms. He got a phone call that his father is passing out, throwing up blood, not remembering peoples names, forgetting where he is at. I do know he is still drinking. I don't know anything about liver failure, or exactly what his doctor has said. I just don't want my husband to regret anything. Thanks!How long does a person have to live with liver failure?
If your father in law is throwing up blood, this is definitely an medical emergency...he could bleed out or bleed internally.
I will explain:
There are many causes of liver cell damage...one is alcohol. When the cells of the liver become damaged, the immune system of the body responds to this and causes inflammation to develop inside
the liver...this will cause the liver to enlarge
in size. If the alcohol is not stopped and the inflammation is not treated, the liver cells may die off and form scar tissue
inside the liver that will block the flow of blood through the liver on its way back to the heart and also block the flow of blood to the other liver cells and they die off also,
It is an irreversible, progressive disease known as Cirrhosis of the liver.
Because the blood isn't able to flow through the liver well anymore, it backs up into the vein under the liver, and that goes into the liver, known as the portal vein. This causes
what is known as Portal Hypertension. It also backs up into smaller vessels not used to handling this amount of blood
(known as varies)and pressure and they develop weak spots and can break open just like a balloon bursting. They are
usually found in the esophagus and in the rectal area. The spleen may also
enlarge in size because of this.
Any bleeding from these two places is considered an emergency. People who have cirrhosis, their livers cannot make clotting factors to help the blood to clot
and therefore they bleed and bruise very easily.
Your father in law needs attention immediately.
Now I will tell you other things that may take place.
He should have an advance directive or power of attorney form made up so that someone in the family can handle
all his medical and financial problems that come up. http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownloa鈥?/a>
People with Cirrhosis develop a condition known as Encephalopathy. This happens because the liver isn't able to change the ammonia, that comes from the protein
use in their bodies, to urea. It stays ammonia and can go pass the blood brain barrier, with the blood, into the brain. It causes confusion, disorientations, tremors,
sleep pattern changes and a number of other symptoms...and if not treated, can lead to a coma. The doctor usually
places the patient on medication called Lactolose; but there are other medications
also.
He may have an alcoholic ';beer belly';, but this might be Ascites. The build up of fluid in the abdominal area. This is because the liver can no longer efficiently make a protein that holds fluid in our vessels. This fluid leaks out and collects here. It can become so much that the patient has trouble breathing and eatting. This fluid
can be drained by a procedure known as Paracentesis and give the patient some relief.
You father in law should be seeing either a
gastroenterologist or hepatologist now. He definitely needs any help and support he can get. Alcoholics can be combative and fight with you...it is the alcohol that is doing this, however, considering this might be the encephalopathy that is very similar to being
drunk...it may be this.
I hope your father in law gets the help he needs; that the differences can be worked out between your husband and his dad. It is good that you care...when it comes to disease, especially one that is as horrible as this one...it should draw families closer
together not apart.
The doctor may suggest a detox
program at the hospital for him and if he can stay detoxed from alcohol for a period of six months...he may be able to be placed on the transplant list.
Many recovering alcoholics are waiting
on the transplant list now.
I hope this information is of some help to you.
Here are some links you can click on to learn more about this disease:
http://www.hcvets.com/data/hcv_liver/cir鈥?/a>
http://www.medicinenet.com/cirrhosis/art鈥?/a>
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cirrhos鈥?/a>
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/cirr鈥?/a>
No one but the doctors who have his
tests results and know his passed and
present medical history...can give you
an educated guess of how far advanced
he is in the disease and how long he
may have to live.
The best test done to confirm this is
a liver biopsy.
Best wishesHow long does a person have to live with liver failure?
Drinking causes cirrous of the liver and it kills them if they don't stop drinking and it sounds like this is what is happening to your father in law. It will cause them to cough up blood and vomit and they will die a very painful death. The alcohol is why he doesn't remember names and where he's at because it pickles the brain. This can go on for awhile but its hard to tell what stage he's in. Eventually the liver will burst inside and it will kill him.
Kidney or liver failure could leave you about 4-14 to live... some more some less but if they havent completly failed it can be reversed... but the patient is never really out of the woods once your liver is close to failing
If your father in law is throwing up blood, this is definitely an medical emergency...he could bleed out or bleed internally.
I will explain:
There are many causes of liver cell damage...one is alcohol. When the cells of the liver become damaged, the immune system of the body responds to this and causes inflammation to develop inside
the liver...this will cause the liver to enlarge
in size. If the alcohol is not stopped and the inflammation is not treated, the liver cells may die off and form scar tissue
inside the liver that will block the flow of blood through the liver on its way back to the heart and also block the flow of blood to the other liver cells and they die off also,
It is an irreversible, progressive disease known as Cirrhosis of the liver.
Because the blood isn't able to flow through the liver well anymore, it backs up into the vein under the liver, and that goes into the liver, known as the portal vein. This causes
what is known as Portal Hypertension. It also backs up into smaller vessels not used to handling this amount of blood
(known as varies)and pressure and they develop weak spots and can break open just like a balloon bursting. They are
usually found in the esophagus and in the rectal area. The spleen may also
enlarge in size because of this.
Any bleeding from these two places is considered an emergency. People who have cirrhosis, their livers cannot make clotting factors to help the blood to clot
and therefore they bleed and bruise very easily.
Your father in law needs attention immediately.
Now I will tell you other things that may take place.
He should have an advance directive or power of attorney form made up so that someone in the family can handle
all his medical and financial problems that come up. http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownloa鈥?/a>
People with Cirrhosis develop a condition known as Encephalopathy. This happens because the liver isn't able to change the ammonia, that comes from the protein
use in their bodies, to urea. It stays ammonia and can go pass the blood brain barrier, with the blood, into the brain. It causes confusion, disorientations, tremors,
sleep pattern changes and a number of other symptoms...and if not treated, can lead to a coma. The doctor usually
places the patient on medication called Lactolose; but there are other medications
also.
He may have an alcoholic ';beer belly';, but this might be Ascites. The build up of fluid in the abdominal area. This is because the liver can no longer efficiently make a protein that holds fluid in our vessels. This fluid leaks out and collects here. It can become so much that the patient has trouble breathing and eatting. This fluid
can be drained by a procedure known as Paracentesis and give the patient some relief.
You father in law should be seeing either a
gastroenterologist or hepatologist now. He definitely needs any help and support he can get. Alcoholics can be combative and fight with you...it is the alcohol that is doing this, however, considering this might be the encephalopathy that is very similar to being
drunk...it may be this.
I hope your father in law gets the help he needs; that the differences can be worked out between your husband and his dad. It is good that you care...when it comes to disease, especially one that is as horrible as this one...it should draw families closer
together not apart.
The doctor may suggest a detox
program at the hospital for him and if he can stay detoxed from alcohol for a period of six months...he may be able to be placed on the transplant list.
Many recovering alcoholics are waiting
on the transplant list now.
I hope this information is of some help to you.
Here are some links you can click on to learn more about this disease:
http://www.hcvets.com/data/hcv_liver/cir鈥?/a>
http://www.medicinenet.com/cirrhosis/art鈥?/a>
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cirrhos鈥?/a>
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/cirr鈥?/a>
No one but the doctors who have his
tests results and know his passed and
present medical history...can give you
an educated guess of how far advanced
he is in the disease and how long he
may have to live.
The best test done to confirm this is
a liver biopsy.
Best wishesHow long does a person have to live with liver failure?
Drinking causes cirrous of the liver and it kills them if they don't stop drinking and it sounds like this is what is happening to your father in law. It will cause them to cough up blood and vomit and they will die a very painful death. The alcohol is why he doesn't remember names and where he's at because it pickles the brain. This can go on for awhile but its hard to tell what stage he's in. Eventually the liver will burst inside and it will kill him.
Kidney or liver failure could leave you about 4-14 to live... some more some less but if they havent completly failed it can be reversed... but the patient is never really out of the woods once your liver is close to failing
How to ruin someones life ?
my ';father';, if you will, has been in and out of jail for the past 20 years, meth addict, alcoholic, etc. ive lived with my grandparents since i was 2, i havent seen my mom since i was 6, but i talk to her occassionally. my ';father'; has so many issues its almost ridiculous. he's living with us until he finds a job and moves out. good luck when you have a record like his. he cant even get into trucking school. he has this mentality that he's the best, he's never wrong, he's a good person, and basically that he's just perfect. i dont know how to further explain this. it would take too long for anyone to understand what i live with. he's constantly bringing everyone down, he's violent, and has horrible anger management issues. my grandparents pay for his gas, yadda yadda, they're good people, they dont want to see anyone suffer, so they basically let him walk all over everyone. im sorry, that doesnt fly with me. if i have to key his car, you bet there will be a fat scratch on the drivers side door tomorrow morning. i just need some ideas, i cant get a restraining order because he lives with us. im absolutely helpless. revenge ! i need ideas !How to ruin someones life ?
It may sound corny, but it is so true that the best kind of revenge to your father would be is to be the most successful happy person that you can be. Think of yourself and not him even though that is going to be hard. If you make your own life good, you can get away from him and never see him again. Don't ever bring yourself to stoop to his level that will only bring more trouble to the family.
Your grandparents are enablers even though they think they are doing the right thing by helping him. Do your best to prepare for a better life in the future, but never allow your father to hurt you or your grandparents. Call the cops on him if he becomes violent. He can get it out of his system in jail where they can handle him. If you are lucky, maybe they will keep him there or put him in prison for awhile which would be better for all of you.How to ruin someones life ?
Go to college. It will burn inside his mind because he will know that you are better than him. Remember that he is a grown man still living with his parents. Whats funny though, he'll probably say hes proud of you, but being a loser will always echo at the core =)
Can you move away? Get your own place? That would be the best and easiest thing. You can't change him and revenge isn't going to make you feel better in the long run.
Dont do mean stuff to him 2 its gonna make EVERYthingg worse..
I gess ';just be the bigger person'; went down the drain huh?
Although your father may be a complete failure at life, it sounds like everyone around him (with the exception of you) is trying to help him. Imagine what your family thinks of you acting so childish towards your father. I'm sure that since your grandparents are such nice people that they raised you with more values than what you are displaying. Frustration is a funny thing, but you can't let it run your life. You have made it quite apparent that you need to make a change in your own life, not your fathers.
It may sound corny, but it is so true that the best kind of revenge to your father would be is to be the most successful happy person that you can be. Think of yourself and not him even though that is going to be hard. If you make your own life good, you can get away from him and never see him again. Don't ever bring yourself to stoop to his level that will only bring more trouble to the family.
Your grandparents are enablers even though they think they are doing the right thing by helping him. Do your best to prepare for a better life in the future, but never allow your father to hurt you or your grandparents. Call the cops on him if he becomes violent. He can get it out of his system in jail where they can handle him. If you are lucky, maybe they will keep him there or put him in prison for awhile which would be better for all of you.How to ruin someones life ?
Go to college. It will burn inside his mind because he will know that you are better than him. Remember that he is a grown man still living with his parents. Whats funny though, he'll probably say hes proud of you, but being a loser will always echo at the core =)
Can you move away? Get your own place? That would be the best and easiest thing. You can't change him and revenge isn't going to make you feel better in the long run.
Dont do mean stuff to him 2 its gonna make EVERYthingg worse..
I gess ';just be the bigger person'; went down the drain huh?
Although your father may be a complete failure at life, it sounds like everyone around him (with the exception of you) is trying to help him. Imagine what your family thinks of you acting so childish towards your father. I'm sure that since your grandparents are such nice people that they raised you with more values than what you are displaying. Frustration is a funny thing, but you can't let it run your life. You have made it quite apparent that you need to make a change in your own life, not your fathers.
I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?
PLEASE don't just read my headline and insult me without even having a clue of what I'm talking about..I asked this in another category, but would like to see if responses differ in this one.
Due to work related reason I had to move to Canada,BC 2and a half weeks ago and will be living there for 6-8 months. I don't know anyone here so I just went onto the craigslist to look for a roommate who had a spare room. I was so lucky and found an ad in a perfect area, Male Seeking roommate in a nice and clean 2 bedroom apartment on 5th floor. I arranged everything and phoned him and then met him the next day, The apartment was beautiful ,there was alot of nice furniture and fairly affordable (550 each) and the guy was real cute and real nice too!and fairly affordable. So I thought this would be perfect and we made an agreement. I think it was the 29th of August I actually moved in.
Jamie (my roommate) was living there for the last 3 months and his other roommate had to leave, and couldn't afford a 2 bedroom by himself. We got along from the start real well, Before I moved from the US I wasn't expecting anything at all. He showed me around Vancouver, its actually quite pretty here. I thought he was at least 24 or 25, until we were talking about work and then said he starts school in September and I asked what courses, and then laughed and said I'm in High school;WHICH is when I discovered he was 16. I was actually VERY impressed and couldn't believe he was only 16, but the reason he lives independently is because his father was an alcoholic who he lived with, and his mother was a religious fanatic who turned into a drug addict. He goes to school until 3, goes to the gym everyday, and then straight to his work at a warehouse until 11pm making $13 an hour and comes back home exhausted, pays his own rent and food,and then works again full time on Saturday from Noon and part time on Sunday so I have so much respect for him, and I really do think he's amazing. He resents his parents and does not talk to them, they do not support him in anyway either.
I still don't know anyone around here, but he's the one person that I'd love to get to know better and hang out with while I'm living here, he's really interesting and kind but he doesn't have anyone, no brothers, he's all alone basically. Last Weekend, I asked him if he would like to stay home and hang out with me and we could spend all night watching movies together(we both have a good size collection) he seemed pretty happy about the idea and said sure. I was pretty excited I would get to bond with him a little more! That night I had my big blanket out with me on the couch and he was sitting at the very end and seemed a bit shy, I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle!...His face turned red for a sec but we ended up cuddled up together! The night ended up real fun and we stayed up until 4 before he fell asleep on me which was way too cute. I wasn't really implying anything other than a fun night,Almost from the beginning I felt something hard poking at me, but again I had NO intentions on taking it further. I'm not exactly sure if I have a ';crush'; on him,but indeed sexy, an extremely gorgeous body and just amazing overall. I just don't see him as a 16 year old, I don't intend on finding another guy while I'm here for a relationship, I'd rather spend time with Jamie and get to know him better because his age doesn't really mean anything to me at this point. To put it simple, when we both are free not working, we are doing stuff together-it just turned out that way. He's got a real awesome personality as well.On Sunday night he was a bit down and sad, sometimes when he thinks about his parents and how he grew up so fast,I knew, but he didn't say anything..So before we went to bed I grabbed him and gave him a real tight long hug and kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight.(I knew he needed it and I wanted to give it to him). I do know he's a virgin, we've talked about our views on that subject, he hasn't met a girl at school he's liked enough or his age. I've had sex with THREE guys in my life, but a part of me is wanting to get intimate with him eventually,possibly explore a bit beforehand, not now but eventually..It hasn't been that long yet, but after about a month or so I want to ask him about it, how do I bring this subject up with him without making it awkward? I know it seems crazy,I'm 30, but you would never think he was 16. Any advice, please!! Thank you so much.I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?
The best rule in any relationship is to put the other person's interests first. By all means continue your friendship with this young man, but refrain from anything physical, until he has more experience with girls his own age. There might be potential for a long-term friendship, maybe even more; but wait at least two years before going any further.
If you seduce this young man, you'll both be sorry in the long run; give him your support and friendship and he'll always be grateful.I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?
You can find a man just as easy as you found a boy in Canada. Get out there and meet somebody!
umm id have a masti instead 16 is too young
wow and they say all men are pervs
oh well... id say ur a pedo IMO
';I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle!';
are you serious?
PLEASE if you really care anything about him, then do what is right for him. You are self focused and he has had no one in his life willing to take him into consideration for the long term.
How can you credit yourself as ';helping'; him when everything you're doing has an ulterior motive? You are only going to be here for a little while, you don't see any need in looking around because you are already interested in Jamie, you know he's only 16 buy you feel a special connection, you know he's a virgin but you already know that you want to be intimate with him. STOP!!!
You're being selfish---end it and let him try to have some semblance of normalcy in his life. He has a full plate already! You said so yourself. What you're doing is not kind and is selfish. Seriously!! He just needs a friend without him having to fill in your ';needs';. If he were already uber experienced then I could see you as considering this a fun fling, but he is a virgin and already has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Having sex with you would fill your needs during the short time he is here but can totally screw him up in the end. He should have a normal first time with a girl in his own age range (a girl---not a older woman). Think of him only then decide.
You should tread lightly! He MAY very well be of legal age, but you should really think about why you feel so attracted to him. Is there a part of you that is attracted to him because you really don't know anyone else there and he is a nice guy, as well as cute and seemingly self sufficient?
You know that you will only be there for about 1/2 a year, do you really want to get intimately involved with anyone (on a personal level) let alone a very young guy who hasn't really explored dating with girls in his own age group yet? What happens to him when you leave? Will you be another ';adult'; that he feels has abandoned him, like his parents have?
I really don't want to get into whether it's wrong or right, that's something that you (and he) need to decide for yourself! However, you both need to consider the ramifications of whatever you decide to do. All I can suggest is that you both think things through to the best of your ability and be sure that each understands and agrees to the ';liberties'; and limitations of whatever relationship you form.
And you both need to be aware of and be prepared to deal with how other people around you may react to your situation.
I did read the whole post. My main question, before I got into any other things, concerned Canadian law. That's been answered. So now onto other things.
Mostly people are talking about protecting the ';boy.'; My immediate sense, however, is that you need to be aware of the possibilities and limitations for yourself.
Let me start out by saying the world is organized on a supreme double standard. Men typically get into relationships with partners who are much younger than they are. But--and I hope I'm not going to be skewered for just saying what happens to be true--time is kinder to men than it is to women. Men aren't assaulted by the same coursing hormones. Men don't experience menopause. Men can reproduce much longer than women can. And many men look better as they get older; women, not so much.
Now, in these days of extremely hot 50 year-old celebrities, the ideas about what will work in a relationship are changing somewhat. But in this case, I would say your relationship has a relatively short shelf life, and you need to be aware of that. Nothing wrong with sowing a few wild oats, but do you really think there's a good chance he'll still be interested when he's 26 and you're 40? Or when he's 40 and you're 54? His options will expand at the moment that yours begin to narrow and if you think you're falling ';in love,'; as it seems you might be from your narration, then you had better bear that in mind.
On the other hand, you're both approaching your years of sexual peak, so what happens in the bedroom might be very exciting.
So I guess I would say the best way to approach this is as a fun fling with maybe a deeper resonance that will very likely pass away--not as a serious, life-changing ';soul mate'; discovery. Part of the reason you can find him so ideal, it must be said, is that he IS inexperienced and so you can read into him all your hopes and desires and whatever you want. Time will change him, that's inevitable.
In the meantime, enjoy what you have. Don't lay a whole lot of heavy crap over the relationship, and give him plenty of freedom.
There is an ancient story called ';Gilgamesh.'; In that story, there is a young man called Enkidu who is wild. A priestess/courtesan from the temple of love is called upon to ';civilize'; him. The Shamhatu (as she is called) makes love to him six days and seven nights (an important ritual span of time in ancient Mesopotamia) after which Enkidu learns to be fully a man.
The Shamhatu then LETS HIM GO.
You see my point, Kitten?
Good luck! :)
Don't cross that line! Your a adult he's a child still developing!
i completely agree with diamonds. u are taking advantage. he is obviously going through a rough time and u snuggling up to him will not help that.
he is a boy. i am 14, and i feel that outraged by this question. if a guy did ask this, police would be on his door in two minutes. women should not be allowed a 'sexual predator free pass'
what u are doing is wrong. get away from him before u do something u both regret.
i cant believe that no one has swore at u. a man would not recieve this much sympathy.
U ARE A SEXUAL PREDATOR!
I see alot of people on here that are immature but even so you have to look at the big picture. YES he sounds very mature for his age but he still is only 16 please give him time to grow and become great friends but wait atleast for 2 years when he is an adult legally and then if you both feel the same move head but you have to remind yourself when you are 50 he will be in his 30's 14 years is a long time gap and he is underage. I wish you and this young man the best.
1. I dont think anybody is going to read your entire post
2. Ur a weirdo to even think you can be in a relationship with a 16 yo
Go for it! Jump that young guys bones!
But don't expect anything long-lasting.
Go instead for the sheer rush of pleasure from young meat!
Good luck and good times to you!
I'm not reading all that crap. And yes, he's too young for you.
You are taking advantage of a vulnerable boy. You are way too experienced for him. Hes already had to grow up too fast - dont add to that.
I hope youre not serious - if it was a guy posting this everyone would be outraged. And a 16 year old boy has the maturity of a 14 year old girl. My little brother is almost 15 and i would kick any 30 year old womans a** who tried anything with him in a year.
i really do understand your situation and how you feel dont get me wrong. iam going to say that you may want to see other people. find some sites online, bars where you guys live, or the popular hang out spots and meet someone a tad bit older. hes only 16 years old and yes hes living the life of an adult but still hes young and vulnerable. i couldnt pursue someone of this age, and if i had the exact feelings you do, i would take the most coldest shower ever. iam a hater of pedophilia and iam not saying that youre a pedophile, but hes a child totally back off like now. i wish you the best i really do, but if youre gonna be a cougar lol upgrade your age interest just some. my best wishes :)
lol I can't believe I took all the time to read everything you posted. I know I';m going to get some thumbs down for my answer but I could care less.
You guys seem like you'd work out well tougher. Age is but only a number my friend :). I'd love to tell you why I think this but now that is just TMI haha. But anyways I think you should just see how things work out. It seems things are going very well so far as I said before you should keep a good watch on this boy he reminds me of the character Jamie I read in a book recently XD. I'll be thinking about you wondering how this works out for you :). I'm always open for a conversation or email me. My IM is on my yahoo page if you want to talk. I hope things work out the way you want them too.
~Simone
I read your entire post :P..
But I dont think you should pursue anything with him.. I think youre attracted to him because he the first person you bonded with, its something new, aaaand there is the forbidden fruit factor.. I think deep down you know that it would be messed up for you to be with a 16 year old kid.. Sure its appealing right now, but he is young and in the long run, yall will most likely end up parting ways because he has yet to live life and whatnot.. Id just leave it alone, yall should find people your own age to associate with, a 16 and 30 year old only have so much in common before it gets awkward.. PLUS with him growing up so fast, having a girlfriend your age wouldnt help matters
Hetero, homo or bi, there are way many jurisdictions here in the USA where an adult messing around with a sixteen-year-old could land the adult in jail for years, where he will not receive welcome treatment.
You're in Canada, so talk to a Canadian lawyer. I'm sure they have some kind of Age of Consent and Statutory Rape provisions in the law. If he's just too young under the law, forget it -- stay away. Even a very well-intentioned cuddle session could turn into a felony if either of you ejaculates (and if I recall age 16, it didn't take much!). I'm tempted to say stay away anyway until he's at least 17 no matter how acceptable, but I'm not sure you would listen to me. Canada has a great human-rights record but they have laws, and you will receive no special treatment just because you came out of the USA.
Besides, what do you know about his background, relationship with parents and so on? Even if he is intellectually interesting I wouldn't take it farther than gym-spotting each other or meeting in public for coffee. If you can't take that, and Lord knows nobody will blame you if you can't, then the only ethical thing is to stay away. Change your living quarters if you must.
no one wants to read your life story. secondly it doesnt matter how close you think you feel it is wronge till he is 18 y does age matter becuase thats how it is not sure of all the senses in the situation but it is still more likely illegal. dont know bout canada but in america i think he can get parental cosent. who knows
Lucky guy.. heheh.
I would check on the laws in Canada first. I'm sure you know in the US. it would be statutory rape to have sex with a 16 y/o. If it's not against the law then I'd say go with your feelings. You're 14 years older than him, I'm 17 years older than my wife but of course I met her when she was 25. Sometimes age difference isn't that important, ';sometimes';. post script: You are probably older than most of those on this site giving you advice so you have to consider that too. Just use your head and do what you feel is right for you, but do it legally.
Can someone say JAILBAIT!!! oh wait did I hear COUGAR?!?!?!? You need to go out and find someone your own age....thats weird....very strange.....I mean at least wait till he's 18 lady!!! You need to find a MAN NOT A BOY!!!!!!
The legal age is 16 in Canada, so that takes away the problem of statutory rape.
I'm 14 years older than my partner, but then I'm in my mid 50s and he's in his early 40s which gives us a lot more life experience in common. If anything, he's the ';brake'; on my impetuosity, and when I'm all gung-ho to go skydiving from a plane he's the one who will remind me I had my knee replaced just six months ago and is skydiving REALLY such a good idea!
If I were going to make a suggestion: work on becoming friends -- and very good friends, at that -- before even considering introducing sex into the relationship. You already have a good deal of life experience which he doesn't; and one thing which is common among gay and straight guys is that our first real romantic and sexual experience is really intense and it's real easy for us to get our hearts broken. He may be gorgeous, and look and act like an adult, but he is still 16 years old.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a relationship with him at some point, but I don't think you want to risk breaking his heart, especially while the two of you are sharing a lease -- so my suggestion would be to GO SLOW.
I hope u read this message up to the end and u think about it.
seriously.
ah you pretty much
suck in life
i hope u give this boy a break
the age gap of what, 14, 15 years is not the one that is bothering here.
age is but a number they say BUT
he's 16 for crying out loud!
His life struggles may have forced him to act maturely,
older than his age but he is still a KID.
you are taking advantage of this boy.
and to think you making your moves to seduce him
..I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle
repulsive exploitation.
and him being young, an adolescent in heat, ranging hormones and not-so-a-few problems on his shoulders..
he could be an easy victim.
i read your whole story,got me irritated.
%26amp; not coz it was too long.
but u could have told it in a shorter manner
but you just had to make a fuss of stating every detail
to make the situation sound acceptable.
constantly mentioning that he acts so mature
and he doesn't seem to be a mere 16 yo boy.
And by doing this I wonder, are you convincing the readers?
or yourself?
Stop being selfish. If the boy is precious to you let him live his life.
He supports himself. He studies he works. That already too much to take.
He's young, hes got so much more ahead of him.
Your lonely. I mean come on, your 30 with out a guy by your side yet, your family may be not around. And your converting that loneliness into unstable emotions for this boy who is also lonely.
You bond. He shares with u his problems.
maybe ur the 1 he trust for now
with this he might consider u as a friend
moreover his mentor.
that said
I WISH
I JUST WISH YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO MISLEAD HIM.
I don't know the laws in Canada, but I suggest you check them out before doing anything more that could lead to physical relations with this young man. Although he is mature for his age, he is still just a teenager.
He's also very vulnerable because of his family situation (or lack of it) and it might be easy to lead him into an unfortunate (and probably illegal) relationship.
Stop now and find out what the law is. In the USA, you could end up in jail if you have a sexual relationship with anyone under the age of 18. I also suggest stopping for his sake. You are, supposedly, the adult in this situation, and need to act like one. He is still not much more than a child and his judgment is not fully developed.
First off I read the entire post I think its sweet
But I don't think you should go any further with him. I think the only reason you find him attractive is because he is one of the first people you met and you are starting to bond with. Also maybe your the type that likes stuff you know you shouldn't have. In the long run if you do decide to take it further one or the both of you will get hurt. You ,for him leaving you for someone younger. Him, for you leaving him for someone more mature, or both for just the realization that the age difference is going to have a huge impact he has yet to experience certain things that you might have and one of you might get frustrated with each other because you aren't understanding where the other is coming from. I believe this is the biggest reason why you rarely ever see any couples with age difference of those magnitudes. Try seeing other men or getting to know other people you might realize that you were just interested because he is the only guy you know, if your still into him though then by all means pursue him ';the heart wants what the heart wants.'; Hearing about that hard thing poking you sounds like he is interested too, then again he is a teen boy and any type of cuddling or intimacy would get him hard
Therein lies the problem. Whether you see him as a 16 year old boy or not , he still is 16. That makes him totally off limits to a 30 year old woman. You are not a teenager anymore honey, and what you are proposing is immoral and illegal.
Get a life and move on . You are old enough to be his mother and the kind of relationship he is looking for from you is that of a mother he didn't get. If you seduce him , I hope they put you in jail and label you a sex offender, because that is what you are headed for. He is already carrying enough baggage from adults that have screwed up his life. He doesn't need you to contribute to that.
First of all: I don't think you're a pederast or doing anything illegal. Personally, I don't like to have double standards. If a 30 year old guy was in the same situation with a 16 year old girl, all kinds of red flags would be going off. But I do have a little bit of a double standard (I'm not proud about it).
The reason for the double standard: There is less of a stigma involved for a younger guy and an older woman. People will notice, but the reactions range from ';how fortuitous'; to ';he's being taken advantage of';.
On the other hand: 16 year olds typically are at a different level of emotional development than a 30 year old ... or a 22 year old. A 16 year old may have expectations and assumptions that a 30 year has completely forgotten about.
If you do become intimate, make sure you both understand each others expectations as well as possible, knowing that he may not even understand his own. Bringing it up will be awkward. If it's just as awkward for you as it is for him, then that means it's less likely that you're taking advantage of him. But having known him for less than 3 weeks, and his being able to afford to live there being dependent on you makes it more likely. What do you think is going to happen in 6-8 months when your job could take you elsewhere?
It sounds like you're physically and emotionally attracted to him, and that he's at least physically attracted to you. Maybe emotionally, I can't tell, and people who have crushes usually have difficulty telling too. If you do go forward, tread carefully.
EDIT (3 DAYS LATER): the more I think about this, I realize that it may have been something similar to what I would have fantasized about when I was 16, or when I was in my 20s, fantasized about it having happend to me when I was 16. But fantasies are not real life. I also had fantasies about lining up all the girls in my class naked, and then picking several to have sex with. And that's clearly disturbing if it were to really happen.
I would suggest telling him, in your own words, that you're naturally an open and affectionate person, and forget sometimes that he's 16, and that you aren't intending to be teasing him.
You've already been sending him signals, and he's already been thinking about them, so you've already affected his life (and he yours, to a lesser degree). It's not unusual for you to find a young person attractive, especially if your age-dar pegged him at 24. And it says something good about your character that you're now confounded about it, when you found out he was 16 not 25, after your crush started.
Good luck
Due to work related reason I had to move to Canada,BC 2and a half weeks ago and will be living there for 6-8 months. I don't know anyone here so I just went onto the craigslist to look for a roommate who had a spare room. I was so lucky and found an ad in a perfect area, Male Seeking roommate in a nice and clean 2 bedroom apartment on 5th floor. I arranged everything and phoned him and then met him the next day, The apartment was beautiful ,there was alot of nice furniture and fairly affordable (550 each) and the guy was real cute and real nice too!and fairly affordable. So I thought this would be perfect and we made an agreement. I think it was the 29th of August I actually moved in.
Jamie (my roommate) was living there for the last 3 months and his other roommate had to leave, and couldn't afford a 2 bedroom by himself. We got along from the start real well, Before I moved from the US I wasn't expecting anything at all. He showed me around Vancouver, its actually quite pretty here. I thought he was at least 24 or 25, until we were talking about work and then said he starts school in September and I asked what courses, and then laughed and said I'm in High school;WHICH is when I discovered he was 16. I was actually VERY impressed and couldn't believe he was only 16, but the reason he lives independently is because his father was an alcoholic who he lived with, and his mother was a religious fanatic who turned into a drug addict. He goes to school until 3, goes to the gym everyday, and then straight to his work at a warehouse until 11pm making $13 an hour and comes back home exhausted, pays his own rent and food,and then works again full time on Saturday from Noon and part time on Sunday so I have so much respect for him, and I really do think he's amazing. He resents his parents and does not talk to them, they do not support him in anyway either.
I still don't know anyone around here, but he's the one person that I'd love to get to know better and hang out with while I'm living here, he's really interesting and kind but he doesn't have anyone, no brothers, he's all alone basically. Last Weekend, I asked him if he would like to stay home and hang out with me and we could spend all night watching movies together(we both have a good size collection) he seemed pretty happy about the idea and said sure. I was pretty excited I would get to bond with him a little more! That night I had my big blanket out with me on the couch and he was sitting at the very end and seemed a bit shy, I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle!...His face turned red for a sec but we ended up cuddled up together! The night ended up real fun and we stayed up until 4 before he fell asleep on me which was way too cute. I wasn't really implying anything other than a fun night,Almost from the beginning I felt something hard poking at me, but again I had NO intentions on taking it further. I'm not exactly sure if I have a ';crush'; on him,but indeed sexy, an extremely gorgeous body and just amazing overall. I just don't see him as a 16 year old, I don't intend on finding another guy while I'm here for a relationship, I'd rather spend time with Jamie and get to know him better because his age doesn't really mean anything to me at this point. To put it simple, when we both are free not working, we are doing stuff together-it just turned out that way. He's got a real awesome personality as well.On Sunday night he was a bit down and sad, sometimes when he thinks about his parents and how he grew up so fast,I knew, but he didn't say anything..So before we went to bed I grabbed him and gave him a real tight long hug and kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight.(I knew he needed it and I wanted to give it to him). I do know he's a virgin, we've talked about our views on that subject, he hasn't met a girl at school he's liked enough or his age. I've had sex with THREE guys in my life, but a part of me is wanting to get intimate with him eventually,possibly explore a bit beforehand, not now but eventually..It hasn't been that long yet, but after about a month or so I want to ask him about it, how do I bring this subject up with him without making it awkward? I know it seems crazy,I'm 30, but you would never think he was 16. Any advice, please!! Thank you so much.I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?
The best rule in any relationship is to put the other person's interests first. By all means continue your friendship with this young man, but refrain from anything physical, until he has more experience with girls his own age. There might be potential for a long-term friendship, maybe even more; but wait at least two years before going any further.
If you seduce this young man, you'll both be sorry in the long run; give him your support and friendship and he'll always be grateful.I'm 30 years old but I feel connected with a 16 year old, and want to take things further?
You can find a man just as easy as you found a boy in Canada. Get out there and meet somebody!
umm id have a masti instead 16 is too young
wow and they say all men are pervs
oh well... id say ur a pedo IMO
';I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle!';
are you serious?
PLEASE if you really care anything about him, then do what is right for him. You are self focused and he has had no one in his life willing to take him into consideration for the long term.
How can you credit yourself as ';helping'; him when everything you're doing has an ulterior motive? You are only going to be here for a little while, you don't see any need in looking around because you are already interested in Jamie, you know he's only 16 buy you feel a special connection, you know he's a virgin but you already know that you want to be intimate with him. STOP!!!
You're being selfish---end it and let him try to have some semblance of normalcy in his life. He has a full plate already! You said so yourself. What you're doing is not kind and is selfish. Seriously!! He just needs a friend without him having to fill in your ';needs';. If he were already uber experienced then I could see you as considering this a fun fling, but he is a virgin and already has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Having sex with you would fill your needs during the short time he is here but can totally screw him up in the end. He should have a normal first time with a girl in his own age range (a girl---not a older woman). Think of him only then decide.
You should tread lightly! He MAY very well be of legal age, but you should really think about why you feel so attracted to him. Is there a part of you that is attracted to him because you really don't know anyone else there and he is a nice guy, as well as cute and seemingly self sufficient?
You know that you will only be there for about 1/2 a year, do you really want to get intimately involved with anyone (on a personal level) let alone a very young guy who hasn't really explored dating with girls in his own age group yet? What happens to him when you leave? Will you be another ';adult'; that he feels has abandoned him, like his parents have?
I really don't want to get into whether it's wrong or right, that's something that you (and he) need to decide for yourself! However, you both need to consider the ramifications of whatever you decide to do. All I can suggest is that you both think things through to the best of your ability and be sure that each understands and agrees to the ';liberties'; and limitations of whatever relationship you form.
And you both need to be aware of and be prepared to deal with how other people around you may react to your situation.
I did read the whole post. My main question, before I got into any other things, concerned Canadian law. That's been answered. So now onto other things.
Mostly people are talking about protecting the ';boy.'; My immediate sense, however, is that you need to be aware of the possibilities and limitations for yourself.
Let me start out by saying the world is organized on a supreme double standard. Men typically get into relationships with partners who are much younger than they are. But--and I hope I'm not going to be skewered for just saying what happens to be true--time is kinder to men than it is to women. Men aren't assaulted by the same coursing hormones. Men don't experience menopause. Men can reproduce much longer than women can. And many men look better as they get older; women, not so much.
Now, in these days of extremely hot 50 year-old celebrities, the ideas about what will work in a relationship are changing somewhat. But in this case, I would say your relationship has a relatively short shelf life, and you need to be aware of that. Nothing wrong with sowing a few wild oats, but do you really think there's a good chance he'll still be interested when he's 26 and you're 40? Or when he's 40 and you're 54? His options will expand at the moment that yours begin to narrow and if you think you're falling ';in love,'; as it seems you might be from your narration, then you had better bear that in mind.
On the other hand, you're both approaching your years of sexual peak, so what happens in the bedroom might be very exciting.
So I guess I would say the best way to approach this is as a fun fling with maybe a deeper resonance that will very likely pass away--not as a serious, life-changing ';soul mate'; discovery. Part of the reason you can find him so ideal, it must be said, is that he IS inexperienced and so you can read into him all your hopes and desires and whatever you want. Time will change him, that's inevitable.
In the meantime, enjoy what you have. Don't lay a whole lot of heavy crap over the relationship, and give him plenty of freedom.
There is an ancient story called ';Gilgamesh.'; In that story, there is a young man called Enkidu who is wild. A priestess/courtesan from the temple of love is called upon to ';civilize'; him. The Shamhatu (as she is called) makes love to him six days and seven nights (an important ritual span of time in ancient Mesopotamia) after which Enkidu learns to be fully a man.
The Shamhatu then LETS HIM GO.
You see my point, Kitten?
Good luck! :)
Don't cross that line! Your a adult he's a child still developing!
i completely agree with diamonds. u are taking advantage. he is obviously going through a rough time and u snuggling up to him will not help that.
he is a boy. i am 14, and i feel that outraged by this question. if a guy did ask this, police would be on his door in two minutes. women should not be allowed a 'sexual predator free pass'
what u are doing is wrong. get away from him before u do something u both regret.
i cant believe that no one has swore at u. a man would not recieve this much sympathy.
U ARE A SEXUAL PREDATOR!
I see alot of people on here that are immature but even so you have to look at the big picture. YES he sounds very mature for his age but he still is only 16 please give him time to grow and become great friends but wait atleast for 2 years when he is an adult legally and then if you both feel the same move head but you have to remind yourself when you are 50 he will be in his 30's 14 years is a long time gap and he is underage. I wish you and this young man the best.
1. I dont think anybody is going to read your entire post
2. Ur a weirdo to even think you can be in a relationship with a 16 yo
Go for it! Jump that young guys bones!
But don't expect anything long-lasting.
Go instead for the sheer rush of pleasure from young meat!
Good luck and good times to you!
I'm not reading all that crap. And yes, he's too young for you.
You are taking advantage of a vulnerable boy. You are way too experienced for him. Hes already had to grow up too fast - dont add to that.
I hope youre not serious - if it was a guy posting this everyone would be outraged. And a 16 year old boy has the maturity of a 14 year old girl. My little brother is almost 15 and i would kick any 30 year old womans a** who tried anything with him in a year.
i really do understand your situation and how you feel dont get me wrong. iam going to say that you may want to see other people. find some sites online, bars where you guys live, or the popular hang out spots and meet someone a tad bit older. hes only 16 years old and yes hes living the life of an adult but still hes young and vulnerable. i couldnt pursue someone of this age, and if i had the exact feelings you do, i would take the most coldest shower ever. iam a hater of pedophilia and iam not saying that youre a pedophile, but hes a child totally back off like now. i wish you the best i really do, but if youre gonna be a cougar lol upgrade your age interest just some. my best wishes :)
lol I can't believe I took all the time to read everything you posted. I know I';m going to get some thumbs down for my answer but I could care less.
You guys seem like you'd work out well tougher. Age is but only a number my friend :). I'd love to tell you why I think this but now that is just TMI haha. But anyways I think you should just see how things work out. It seems things are going very well so far as I said before you should keep a good watch on this boy he reminds me of the character Jamie I read in a book recently XD. I'll be thinking about you wondering how this works out for you :). I'm always open for a conversation or email me. My IM is on my yahoo page if you want to talk. I hope things work out the way you want them too.
~Simone
I read your entire post :P..
But I dont think you should pursue anything with him.. I think youre attracted to him because he the first person you bonded with, its something new, aaaand there is the forbidden fruit factor.. I think deep down you know that it would be messed up for you to be with a 16 year old kid.. Sure its appealing right now, but he is young and in the long run, yall will most likely end up parting ways because he has yet to live life and whatnot.. Id just leave it alone, yall should find people your own age to associate with, a 16 and 30 year old only have so much in common before it gets awkward.. PLUS with him growing up so fast, having a girlfriend your age wouldnt help matters
Hetero, homo or bi, there are way many jurisdictions here in the USA where an adult messing around with a sixteen-year-old could land the adult in jail for years, where he will not receive welcome treatment.
You're in Canada, so talk to a Canadian lawyer. I'm sure they have some kind of Age of Consent and Statutory Rape provisions in the law. If he's just too young under the law, forget it -- stay away. Even a very well-intentioned cuddle session could turn into a felony if either of you ejaculates (and if I recall age 16, it didn't take much!). I'm tempted to say stay away anyway until he's at least 17 no matter how acceptable, but I'm not sure you would listen to me. Canada has a great human-rights record but they have laws, and you will receive no special treatment just because you came out of the USA.
Besides, what do you know about his background, relationship with parents and so on? Even if he is intellectually interesting I wouldn't take it farther than gym-spotting each other or meeting in public for coffee. If you can't take that, and Lord knows nobody will blame you if you can't, then the only ethical thing is to stay away. Change your living quarters if you must.
no one wants to read your life story. secondly it doesnt matter how close you think you feel it is wronge till he is 18 y does age matter becuase thats how it is not sure of all the senses in the situation but it is still more likely illegal. dont know bout canada but in america i think he can get parental cosent. who knows
Lucky guy.. heheh.
I would check on the laws in Canada first. I'm sure you know in the US. it would be statutory rape to have sex with a 16 y/o. If it's not against the law then I'd say go with your feelings. You're 14 years older than him, I'm 17 years older than my wife but of course I met her when she was 25. Sometimes age difference isn't that important, ';sometimes';. post script: You are probably older than most of those on this site giving you advice so you have to consider that too. Just use your head and do what you feel is right for you, but do it legally.
Can someone say JAILBAIT!!! oh wait did I hear COUGAR?!?!?!? You need to go out and find someone your own age....thats weird....very strange.....I mean at least wait till he's 18 lady!!! You need to find a MAN NOT A BOY!!!!!!
The legal age is 16 in Canada, so that takes away the problem of statutory rape.
I'm 14 years older than my partner, but then I'm in my mid 50s and he's in his early 40s which gives us a lot more life experience in common. If anything, he's the ';brake'; on my impetuosity, and when I'm all gung-ho to go skydiving from a plane he's the one who will remind me I had my knee replaced just six months ago and is skydiving REALLY such a good idea!
If I were going to make a suggestion: work on becoming friends -- and very good friends, at that -- before even considering introducing sex into the relationship. You already have a good deal of life experience which he doesn't; and one thing which is common among gay and straight guys is that our first real romantic and sexual experience is really intense and it's real easy for us to get our hearts broken. He may be gorgeous, and look and act like an adult, but he is still 16 years old.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a relationship with him at some point, but I don't think you want to risk breaking his heart, especially while the two of you are sharing a lease -- so my suggestion would be to GO SLOW.
I hope u read this message up to the end and u think about it.
seriously.
ah you pretty much
suck in life
i hope u give this boy a break
the age gap of what, 14, 15 years is not the one that is bothering here.
age is but a number they say BUT
he's 16 for crying out loud!
His life struggles may have forced him to act maturely,
older than his age but he is still a KID.
you are taking advantage of this boy.
and to think you making your moves to seduce him
..I playfully said to come get comfortable with me and we can snuggle
repulsive exploitation.
and him being young, an adolescent in heat, ranging hormones and not-so-a-few problems on his shoulders..
he could be an easy victim.
i read your whole story,got me irritated.
%26amp; not coz it was too long.
but u could have told it in a shorter manner
but you just had to make a fuss of stating every detail
to make the situation sound acceptable.
constantly mentioning that he acts so mature
and he doesn't seem to be a mere 16 yo boy.
And by doing this I wonder, are you convincing the readers?
or yourself?
Stop being selfish. If the boy is precious to you let him live his life.
He supports himself. He studies he works. That already too much to take.
He's young, hes got so much more ahead of him.
Your lonely. I mean come on, your 30 with out a guy by your side yet, your family may be not around. And your converting that loneliness into unstable emotions for this boy who is also lonely.
You bond. He shares with u his problems.
maybe ur the 1 he trust for now
with this he might consider u as a friend
moreover his mentor.
that said
I WISH
I JUST WISH YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO MISLEAD HIM.
I don't know the laws in Canada, but I suggest you check them out before doing anything more that could lead to physical relations with this young man. Although he is mature for his age, he is still just a teenager.
He's also very vulnerable because of his family situation (or lack of it) and it might be easy to lead him into an unfortunate (and probably illegal) relationship.
Stop now and find out what the law is. In the USA, you could end up in jail if you have a sexual relationship with anyone under the age of 18. I also suggest stopping for his sake. You are, supposedly, the adult in this situation, and need to act like one. He is still not much more than a child and his judgment is not fully developed.
First off I read the entire post I think its sweet
But I don't think you should go any further with him. I think the only reason you find him attractive is because he is one of the first people you met and you are starting to bond with. Also maybe your the type that likes stuff you know you shouldn't have. In the long run if you do decide to take it further one or the both of you will get hurt. You ,for him leaving you for someone younger. Him, for you leaving him for someone more mature, or both for just the realization that the age difference is going to have a huge impact he has yet to experience certain things that you might have and one of you might get frustrated with each other because you aren't understanding where the other is coming from. I believe this is the biggest reason why you rarely ever see any couples with age difference of those magnitudes. Try seeing other men or getting to know other people you might realize that you were just interested because he is the only guy you know, if your still into him though then by all means pursue him ';the heart wants what the heart wants.'; Hearing about that hard thing poking you sounds like he is interested too, then again he is a teen boy and any type of cuddling or intimacy would get him hard
Therein lies the problem. Whether you see him as a 16 year old boy or not , he still is 16. That makes him totally off limits to a 30 year old woman. You are not a teenager anymore honey, and what you are proposing is immoral and illegal.
Get a life and move on . You are old enough to be his mother and the kind of relationship he is looking for from you is that of a mother he didn't get. If you seduce him , I hope they put you in jail and label you a sex offender, because that is what you are headed for. He is already carrying enough baggage from adults that have screwed up his life. He doesn't need you to contribute to that.
First of all: I don't think you're a pederast or doing anything illegal. Personally, I don't like to have double standards. If a 30 year old guy was in the same situation with a 16 year old girl, all kinds of red flags would be going off. But I do have a little bit of a double standard (I'm not proud about it).
The reason for the double standard: There is less of a stigma involved for a younger guy and an older woman. People will notice, but the reactions range from ';how fortuitous'; to ';he's being taken advantage of';.
On the other hand: 16 year olds typically are at a different level of emotional development than a 30 year old ... or a 22 year old. A 16 year old may have expectations and assumptions that a 30 year has completely forgotten about.
If you do become intimate, make sure you both understand each others expectations as well as possible, knowing that he may not even understand his own. Bringing it up will be awkward. If it's just as awkward for you as it is for him, then that means it's less likely that you're taking advantage of him. But having known him for less than 3 weeks, and his being able to afford to live there being dependent on you makes it more likely. What do you think is going to happen in 6-8 months when your job could take you elsewhere?
It sounds like you're physically and emotionally attracted to him, and that he's at least physically attracted to you. Maybe emotionally, I can't tell, and people who have crushes usually have difficulty telling too. If you do go forward, tread carefully.
EDIT (3 DAYS LATER): the more I think about this, I realize that it may have been something similar to what I would have fantasized about when I was 16, or when I was in my 20s, fantasized about it having happend to me when I was 16. But fantasies are not real life. I also had fantasies about lining up all the girls in my class naked, and then picking several to have sex with. And that's clearly disturbing if it were to really happen.
I would suggest telling him, in your own words, that you're naturally an open and affectionate person, and forget sometimes that he's 16, and that you aren't intending to be teasing him.
You've already been sending him signals, and he's already been thinking about them, so you've already affected his life (and he yours, to a lesser degree). It's not unusual for you to find a young person attractive, especially if your age-dar pegged him at 24. And it says something good about your character that you're now confounded about it, when you found out he was 16 not 25, after your crush started.
Good luck
How can i forgive and be proud of my alcoholic dad when i can't?
We just had a family reunion after a 9-day novena prayer for my grandma who just passed away 2 weeks ago. I was so sad bec. she was so close to me and took care of me when my mom left us when i was still 6.It was bec. of my dad who is an alcoholic and used to fight with my mom that made her fly away into another country %26amp; leave all the responsibility with my grandparents,aunts and uncles. After the reunion, i am starting to become an angry person i can't help but compare %26amp; see how sad %26amp; unhappy my childhood was while all of my cousins have great families.i blame it all to my alcoholic dad. Everyone in our family %26amp; in the place where we live knows my dad is an alcoholic,out-of-school,unemployed guy while all of his cousins are so happy,successful and wealthy.Before my dad has lots of money coz my grandpa still has a business but it went bankrupt,but now my dad is now alone, we don't have our own house,just renting an apartment,he has no money and depends on my aunt to support him. I love him but i feel i am not a daughter to him for all those years when i was still young, he never cared about my school,never paid for my studying but just care about his friends and drinking. I feel tremendous shame, guilt, anger, resentment and can't help ask why i have such an unhappy childhood. I feel so bad and so angry of my broken past bec. of my dad. I don't know how to forgive my past,my dad, myself. I don't know how i can build up my self-esteem when people think of my dad as good-for-nothing guy. It hurts so much. My aunts keeps making me feel guilty that i have to take care of my dad bec. he is my responsibility.But i feel so helpless bec. i just graduated and will start my job in a call center next week. All i can help is contribute a part of my salary to aunt for my dad. But i still feel guilty and angry of the fact that my dad keeps on being a parasite to my aunt. I don't know how i can move on. I pray to God but so many things i cannot understand and it is the question of why did God made me live such a sad and broken childhood?why is my dad unlike those other dads who are kind,loving and responsible for their children and not let the relatives take the responsibility. I sometimes think i must be cursed and wanted so much to break the curse but don't know how. I keep praying to God that i would still love and honor my dad. But now, it makes it so hard bec. reality slams it to my face that i can never proud of my father.I wanted to be but i don't see what can make me. How do you forgive a father who has deprived you of the kind of childhood that every child has longed for?How can i forgive and be proud of my alcoholic dad when i can't?
Don't worry. I'm 14 and ever since i can remember, my dad goes to work late and comes home in the morning. I still don't know where he goes and used to think that he was cheating on my mom but he said that he was just drinking. The worst part is that we actually had like this little family meeting with me, my younger sister, my mom, and my dad. Me and my sister sent a note to him and we all cried over why he was doing it. I was the brave one. I went to hug him and i was relieved he knew about all the pressure i felt about everyone in my family knowing that he is a hardcore drinker. He stopped after a while . But that didn't stop him. It happened again ...and again...and it broke my heart about how he knew how i felt but still did it...i don't know what to tell you because i'm still figuring out myself but stay strong. Never be ashamed of the man , who even as imperfect he may be, cared for you because a lot worse things could've happened and always try to look on the bright side because no matter what ,, he's still your dad. Don't let alcohol and your past get in the way of a potential bright future. (Although i'm still trying to convince myself of that!)How can i forgive and be proud of my alcoholic dad when i can't?
you should blame he has he rt you severely your a strong with group therapy and asking questions your so hang in there
Your not responsible for your Dad at all,he is responsible for his own life and health.All you can do is get on with your life and try too make the best of your future. Try your best not to think about your pass so much. Contact someone with';AA'; to get some help for your dad,I hope everything works out for you. Just ask God too give you the spiritual help your going to need to over come your pass,and excel in your future.Good Luck and God Bless You I will keep you in my prayers.
You are not responsible to care for your dad! You responsibility ends when you try to get him to seek help, perhaps provide the number of AA or other organization and that's that.
If your other realatives want to ';care'; for him they are acting as ';enablers'; and that will not help in the end. You may want to join Alanon, for family of alcoholics. You will find others like yourself who have been dealing with the same problems you have been.
You need some emotional support. Don't count on your family members for that, they want to pass the buck to you. You don't owe your father anything. It was his life to do as he saw fit and he made his decisions. You need to make good sound decisions for yourself and not be strapped to your father.
Many of us have had crummy childhoods. We can't get them back. On the other hand even those with ';good'; childhoods have had problems, it's the nature of life. Get help for yourself so you feel supported and strong enough to do what you need to do.
You don't have to be proud of a man who didn't seek help for himself. At some point you may feel sorry for him, but probably not until you feel strong and have a good sense of yourself.
Keep truckin' and you'll be ok. Thanks for reaching out- it's a first step.
Don't worry. I'm 14 and ever since i can remember, my dad goes to work late and comes home in the morning. I still don't know where he goes and used to think that he was cheating on my mom but he said that he was just drinking. The worst part is that we actually had like this little family meeting with me, my younger sister, my mom, and my dad. Me and my sister sent a note to him and we all cried over why he was doing it. I was the brave one. I went to hug him and i was relieved he knew about all the pressure i felt about everyone in my family knowing that he is a hardcore drinker. He stopped after a while . But that didn't stop him. It happened again ...and again...and it broke my heart about how he knew how i felt but still did it...i don't know what to tell you because i'm still figuring out myself but stay strong. Never be ashamed of the man , who even as imperfect he may be, cared for you because a lot worse things could've happened and always try to look on the bright side because no matter what ,, he's still your dad. Don't let alcohol and your past get in the way of a potential bright future. (Although i'm still trying to convince myself of that!)How can i forgive and be proud of my alcoholic dad when i can't?
you should blame he has he rt you severely your a strong with group therapy and asking questions your so hang in there
Your not responsible for your Dad at all,he is responsible for his own life and health.All you can do is get on with your life and try too make the best of your future. Try your best not to think about your pass so much. Contact someone with';AA'; to get some help for your dad,I hope everything works out for you. Just ask God too give you the spiritual help your going to need to over come your pass,and excel in your future.Good Luck and God Bless You I will keep you in my prayers.
You are not responsible to care for your dad! You responsibility ends when you try to get him to seek help, perhaps provide the number of AA or other organization and that's that.
If your other realatives want to ';care'; for him they are acting as ';enablers'; and that will not help in the end. You may want to join Alanon, for family of alcoholics. You will find others like yourself who have been dealing with the same problems you have been.
You need some emotional support. Don't count on your family members for that, they want to pass the buck to you. You don't owe your father anything. It was his life to do as he saw fit and he made his decisions. You need to make good sound decisions for yourself and not be strapped to your father.
Many of us have had crummy childhoods. We can't get them back. On the other hand even those with ';good'; childhoods have had problems, it's the nature of life. Get help for yourself so you feel supported and strong enough to do what you need to do.
You don't have to be proud of a man who didn't seek help for himself. At some point you may feel sorry for him, but probably not until you feel strong and have a good sense of yourself.
Keep truckin' and you'll be ok. Thanks for reaching out- it's a first step.
How can I tell if my boyfriend is an alcoholic or if he just ';enjoys'; a few drinks nearly every night?
Every night he is home after work, he drinks what he refers to as a ';few drinks';--1-6 beers. Last night I asked him to please don't drink everyday but on occasion with friends or whatever, and he didn't listen. It really hurt me. I asked him why he didn't listen to me and he said because he wants to have a ';few';. I think he may have a serious problem and don't get me wrong, I love him to death and he loves me. He is a great provider and helps me and all, but its just hard. He is so wonderful to my family..(Mom, dad, sister, grandparents). He just doesn't understand that it is hurting me. I have never known anyone who drinks a six pack a day and calls them a ';few'; drinks. I really love him but it is hurting me. I already have a friend who drinks more then a ';few'; and he is a full blown alcoholic. I don't want the one I love and live with to be like him. What should I do?How can I tell if my boyfriend is an alcoholic or if he just ';enjoys'; a few drinks nearly every night?
he's an alcoholic if alcohol interferes with his daily functioningHow can I tell if my boyfriend is an alcoholic or if he just ';enjoys'; a few drinks nearly every night?
Why is that hurting you? Even if he does have 6, why is that a problem to you? If he was getting drunk and abusive and/or missing work or it was adversely effecting your life I could understand it, but you haven't said any reason why you feel it's a problem.
he is an alcoholic if he is hiding drinks and drinking during the day and stuff. if he is only drinking around his friends thendon't worry aboutit.
He's an alcoholic if he ';needs'; at least one per day and it changes his mood if he dosn't get it.
maybe you coudl find out if his phone has drunken texts hehe, but that'd be a little sneaky
Girl i could tell the difference when my man went crazy over a tiny misunderstanding and got physical **** THAT but i put him in check its not like that anymore I love him so much u just have to decide if its worth it mama. The #1 first thing you need to do is attend an Al-Anon meeting, seriously they really help. If he is a alcoholic then that makes you a co-dependent, which is not at all a bad thing you just need help of your own if you are going to deal with the situation and make it last and work out with your man.
P.S. DEFINITION OF:
alcoholic-needing to have at LEAST 1 beer or drink a day
drinking problem-when if interferes with everyday life and becomes a problem but u refuse to stop!!
My mom, (who is an alcoholic %26amp; has been sober for 30+years), says one of the ways you can tell if someone is an alcoholic is whether or not they can have one drink and stop for the evening. Even though there are a few who only drink when it's not a work day, once they do lift the bottle, they drink until they're totally drunk. (The alcoholics refer to this as ';one drink, one drunk.';)
If you ask me, you need to look at hanging your hat someplace else, as this could get a whole lot worse before it gets better. That is, IF it gets better down the road at all.
You should go to an AlAnon meeting and get some advice and insight there.
it sounds like he definitely has a chemical dependency on alcohol, even if he's not becoming violent or anything.
Try have another serious talk with him. Tell him that his drinking is hurting you. Make sure he knows that his habit is affecting your relationship. Ask him if the beer is more important to him than you. If he answers the beer, then it's time to find a new boyfriend.
I don't know if he's really an alcoholic... if he isn't actually getting drunk every night or it isn't messing with his social/work life then it might be he just likes to drink a lot.
BUT
since it does bother you, you might need to have an intervention. but seeing as he doesn't listen when it's just you talking, you'll need to get other people on board.
Try to get one of his friends to talk to him in a man to man sort of way.
perhaps then he'll see it's not just you and make the effort to change.
Wake up sweetie. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. He is a functioning alcoholic such as being able to put on a good face around family and friends, able to work hard and keep a job, but he is still an alcoholic. It's not an easy life for someone who lives with an alcoholic as you are finding out. It's not much of a good life with their favorite activity being sitting around and drinking. You haven't had any physical abuse yet, but you are getting the verbal end of it. That can change for the worse if he continues.
He understands that he is hurting you. He just loves his booze more than he cares about how you feel. Get used to it. If he won't stop, this is your life and it only gets worse. You have the choice to go or stay. I would hope that you would want something better for yourself.
he's an alcoholic if alcohol interferes with his daily functioningHow can I tell if my boyfriend is an alcoholic or if he just ';enjoys'; a few drinks nearly every night?
Why is that hurting you? Even if he does have 6, why is that a problem to you? If he was getting drunk and abusive and/or missing work or it was adversely effecting your life I could understand it, but you haven't said any reason why you feel it's a problem.
he is an alcoholic if he is hiding drinks and drinking during the day and stuff. if he is only drinking around his friends thendon't worry aboutit.
He's an alcoholic if he ';needs'; at least one per day and it changes his mood if he dosn't get it.
maybe you coudl find out if his phone has drunken texts hehe, but that'd be a little sneaky
Girl i could tell the difference when my man went crazy over a tiny misunderstanding and got physical **** THAT but i put him in check its not like that anymore I love him so much u just have to decide if its worth it mama. The #1 first thing you need to do is attend an Al-Anon meeting, seriously they really help. If he is a alcoholic then that makes you a co-dependent, which is not at all a bad thing you just need help of your own if you are going to deal with the situation and make it last and work out with your man.
P.S. DEFINITION OF:
alcoholic-needing to have at LEAST 1 beer or drink a day
drinking problem-when if interferes with everyday life and becomes a problem but u refuse to stop!!
My mom, (who is an alcoholic %26amp; has been sober for 30+years), says one of the ways you can tell if someone is an alcoholic is whether or not they can have one drink and stop for the evening. Even though there are a few who only drink when it's not a work day, once they do lift the bottle, they drink until they're totally drunk. (The alcoholics refer to this as ';one drink, one drunk.';)
If you ask me, you need to look at hanging your hat someplace else, as this could get a whole lot worse before it gets better. That is, IF it gets better down the road at all.
You should go to an AlAnon meeting and get some advice and insight there.
it sounds like he definitely has a chemical dependency on alcohol, even if he's not becoming violent or anything.
Try have another serious talk with him. Tell him that his drinking is hurting you. Make sure he knows that his habit is affecting your relationship. Ask him if the beer is more important to him than you. If he answers the beer, then it's time to find a new boyfriend.
I don't know if he's really an alcoholic... if he isn't actually getting drunk every night or it isn't messing with his social/work life then it might be he just likes to drink a lot.
BUT
since it does bother you, you might need to have an intervention. but seeing as he doesn't listen when it's just you talking, you'll need to get other people on board.
Try to get one of his friends to talk to him in a man to man sort of way.
perhaps then he'll see it's not just you and make the effort to change.
Wake up sweetie. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. He is a functioning alcoholic such as being able to put on a good face around family and friends, able to work hard and keep a job, but he is still an alcoholic. It's not an easy life for someone who lives with an alcoholic as you are finding out. It's not much of a good life with their favorite activity being sitting around and drinking. You haven't had any physical abuse yet, but you are getting the verbal end of it. That can change for the worse if he continues.
He understands that he is hurting you. He just loves his booze more than he cares about how you feel. Get used to it. If he won't stop, this is your life and it only gets worse. You have the choice to go or stay. I would hope that you would want something better for yourself.
My fiance is an alcoholic...should I marry him?
My fiance is a wonderful man, but he is also an alcoholic. He manages to keep his drinking confined to the late night hours, but he drinks himself into a stupor to go to sleep every night. He goes to work every day, and he spends most of his life sober. He is very healthy and responsible in every other aspect of his life. He has tried to quit in the past, but always relapses. He has told me that he doesn't think he can quit, so if I marry him I take him as he is. He is nearly perfect in every other way, but I'm worried about how his addiction might affect our life together...should I learn to live with his habit and marry him anyway, or should I say goodbye to the man of my dreams because I am afraid of his addiction? Please help!My fiance is an alcoholic...should I marry him?
Do NOT marry an alcoholic. Especially one who is making no effort whatsoever to seek the help he so desperately needs.My fiance is an alcoholic...should I marry him?
The heck they don't realize it! They do, which makes them feel worse and drink. 1 yr sobriety, minimum.
A complicated, terrible cycle , you are never sure, even when they have been sober for yrs, yet my family members married alcoholics, some of them stopped. When they stop blaming everyone .
I deal with a drinking spouse everynight. Eventually the alcohol takes your spot for their comfort and they faze you out altogether. I would say to NOT get married because you will be in for many more problems then just the alcohol. It causes much grief and the drinker doesn't realize it and continues to drink anyway. Good luck.
say goodbye to him, aloholic is dreadful diease. it causes nothing but hardship and trouble in more ways than one ,,,
Since he won't change this destructive behaviour, absolutely not.
If you'll wait, then only do so when he's a few years clean and sober.
There is no such thing as 'learning to live with his habit' - it will destroy and control your life. Why are you even dating him? Why in the world would have you said yes to a proposal??? You need some counselling, as well....
Honey, I'm sorry, but say goodbye to him. I know you won't believe me, but you'll find another man.
if you love him then go for it! it's not that hard to convince him to quit that habit
that way u help him from there deadly diseases and got him 4 u. : )
Don't be foolish, run, run as fast as you can, away from this person. He has a serious mental problem and drinks to avoid issues in his life.
He's not going to get any better in fact, probably worse and now, you think your going to go right in there and cure him? your wrong, he'll start blaming you for all his new troubles.
If he doesn't want to get help now, he never will, get out of that situation now.
Neither, tell him that you cant marry him while he finds excuses to drink. Him saying he cant quit is just a cop out. Just take the alcohol away from him, bit by bit.
I knowingly married an alchoholic. Don't do it. You will end up with a broken heart, and if you have children, they will be damaged by his alcoholism. Go to Al-anon before you make up your mind. I started going after he left me an wish I had years ago!
Do not marry this man .....they say counsling helps but it doesn't he has to do it on his own and if he is telling you that he can't quit then he won't quit counsling might help some but some it doesn't it just makes them worse...they will controll your whole life....you will be living in nightmares all the time..you can't plan for anything do to his drinking you will be ashame to go out with him because he will embarrase you in public he might seem nice now but it won't last...good luck in what ever you decide but I would say dump him now
Listen there are a lot of things that can drive someone to the bottle. Alcohol of course is not the answer and you and I both know this. You have to get your fiance to see that it is wrong. I mean maybe he has a reason for drowning his sorrows in alcohol. He might have some demons that he does not quite want to face. I would say no to the whole marriage thing right. I mean just until he seeks out some kind of help. Not only are you putting yourself in danger by being involved with a man that drinks. But he himself is basically slowing killing himself. The things that liquor can do to your liver and other major organs are quite alarming. Just sit him down and tell him how you feel. Also once you accomplish that then tell him that it's either you or the liquor? And just explain to him that you can not just sit back and watch him through his life away with every single swallow he takes. Just be prepared for the excuses. However if you do decide to marry him you will have to worry about him and any children you produce in the future also. Children implement what they see. So that is something else to consider. Get him in to a rehab or an AA group soon. If he is truly committed to stopping his addiction to alcohol he will stop. I did.
he has a problem ,does it affect you?/ IE violence or abuse,, it wont go away so you are going to have to deal with it..hard choice
As a sober alcoholic with almost 9 years of sobriety, my advice is to run for your life. Your guy has told you that he's an alcoholic and has no intention of getting sober. Over time, untreated alcoholism only gets worse, never better, and you are in for a life of heartache. I do not care if he is the man of your dreams, your life will be a nightmare if you marry him. Do not listen to the people who tell you that your love and support will get him sober--trust me, you're a human being, and you simply don't have the power to get anyone sober.
hell no, you only going to find yourself hurt in the end. what happens if the money gets low and you can't get his drink and it turns violent or bills don't get paid. Some people don't know that the one they love are alcoholics and never had a chance but you know so it's best that you get out of that relationship fast
Despite what everyone else is suggesting, which seems to be that if you love him, you should stay with him and help him, I don't think love has anything to do with this at all. It seems that he has no desire to change and probably won't even if you threaten to leave him. And while you are married to him, how many arguments and problems will you have that will stem from his drinking? He drinks only at night...but it won't stay that way forever. What if you had kids? Do you really want to risk your entire life and the lives of your children if he doesnt change? He drinks himself into a stupor because he doesnt have control. Think about it. Do you want to spend everyday as a wife being worried? Don't accept him and take him as he is simply because he is givng you an ultimatum.
my mom married my dad and thought the same thing. he drank at night and paid the bill during the day. but then he got to drinking during the day and not going to work and fighting and throwing things and then the cops were called and then he went to jail and then it happened all over again, then he got hooked to worse things and things went to complete hell and now my parents are divoriced and my dads in jail and has six felonies and no its not a good idea. if you have kids. they go through complete hell. i cant look at one positive thing from the time i was born till i turned 15. im 19 and i am tarnished by it. every aspect of my life is somehow affected.
I've been where you are now and I married the guy anyway. We were fine for awhile, but his drinking became worse and he became very unpredictable. He was a completely different person when he was drinking. I hadn't realized how boring it is when everybody around you is drunk. What he really needed was someone who could match him drink for drink and build a life around the bars in the area and didn't need a home life. Unfortunately I brought children into this marriage and when the children were old enough to realize their dad had a problem I needed to figure out how to explain it to them. I had to let them know it was a problem and it was NOT okay. In order to have a somewhat normal life for me and my children, we were divorced when they were young. He straightened up his act a little and married his drinking partner. He never completely got on the wagon so I can't imagine what his liver looks like! After the divorce the children were happier. Their dad had specific times he could see them and he had to be sober or he couldn't see them. He did see them frequently and could control his drinking when he wanted to. Everybody is grown up now (except my ex-husband). I never put down their dad and let them make their own decisions. (I just asked them not to judge him too harshly because that was just his way.) He still loved the children but was unable to be a proper father to them because of his drinking. Frankly, I don't miss cleaning up after him. My advice is ';Don't Do It';. You will always come second to the drinking.
Well then,try this.
one day,when the two of you are alone in the house,and when he is in a good mood.you suddendly burst into tears,or sob loudly in the corner of the room.then confess to him that you are worried.then cry cry cry.
He will then(hopefully) show his sympathy by quitting.
I suggest waiting and try to get him to cut back before taking a large step
Get him to commit to a programme like the AA has, don't even consider it. Alcohol leads to abuse in way too many cases. Even his.
No!!! They only get worse. I know, my ex-wife is one, and in 4 years it only got worse.
absolutely do not marry him. you are asking for a life time of misery.
he may be perfect in every other way but this addiction is the deal breaker.
please run as fast as you can from this relationship.
i think you should go ahead and marry him.
if u really love him,stay with him n be there for him n most importantly help him with his problem.
If you love him like you say you do, demand counseling or you're walking. Hopefully it won't come to that, cause it sounds like he's got some really good qualities. But, his problem is robbing both him and you. Its robbing your finances by having to support his habit, and then, at night, if he drinks until he's passed out, that is robbing you of those special late night times you guys should be having. If you say the ';i do's';, its your fault then.... you know his problem. If/when he realizes HIS problem and fixes it, then, ok, run down that aisle gal....but until then, heck NO.
are you kidding? picture yourself in 10 years having to deal with this problem.it would be a situation you brought onto yourself.dont marry this guy until he gets his life in order.
How much do you care to be with this individual? A point that would be good to bring up is there are four areas of marriage.
First area is the things that you know that you know.
Second area is the things that you know that you DO NOT know.
Third area is the things you DO NOT know that you know.
Fourth area is the things that you DO NOT know that you DO NOT know.
With all that said and from personal experience, you marring an individual should be a thing that you know that you know. Right now, it seams this problem is in the you know that you DO NOT know.
Furthermore, if you go ahead and actually do marry this individual against what a majority of the multitude of counsel has suggested, then it would be suggested to protect yourself from any pain this situation might bring. Further, another choice you have is to attempt to motive him to change from being a alcoholic to a non-alcoholic. Good luck with that one though.
I think you're forgetting the 3rd option, which is to help him get help. He CAN do this - and it will be MUCH easier if you're there to help him. Just don't be an enabler by pretending it isn't a problem, and at the same time don't make him feel weak or selfish when he relapses. Alcoholism is a very complex disease - if you really love him, I suggest AA for him and Al-Anon for you.
I would suggest getting him to go to counselling. There could be a much deeper emotional issue to his drinking. I would not marry him at the moment, until he has sorted it out. Things will get worse and worse the more he continues to drink
No, You should not jump into it.
Alcoholics is a form of addiction.He need to go for counsellings and treatment. If he so really love you and want to be with you as soul mate, seriously ask him to consider go for treatments.
Saying '; he doesn't think he can quit'; is just an accuse from reality.
To love and cherished someone whom you really love, is the Power of love and I believe and had faith he can overcome it and if he really love you.So do please considered your option carefully.
to be frank ,i will tell u to quit.
even if he is good in other ways it will become worse.
Do NOT marry an alcoholic. Especially one who is making no effort whatsoever to seek the help he so desperately needs.My fiance is an alcoholic...should I marry him?
The heck they don't realize it! They do, which makes them feel worse and drink. 1 yr sobriety, minimum.
A complicated, terrible cycle , you are never sure, even when they have been sober for yrs, yet my family members married alcoholics, some of them stopped. When they stop blaming everyone .
Report Abuse
I deal with a drinking spouse everynight. Eventually the alcohol takes your spot for their comfort and they faze you out altogether. I would say to NOT get married because you will be in for many more problems then just the alcohol. It causes much grief and the drinker doesn't realize it and continues to drink anyway. Good luck.
say goodbye to him, aloholic is dreadful diease. it causes nothing but hardship and trouble in more ways than one ,,,
Since he won't change this destructive behaviour, absolutely not.
If you'll wait, then only do so when he's a few years clean and sober.
There is no such thing as 'learning to live with his habit' - it will destroy and control your life. Why are you even dating him? Why in the world would have you said yes to a proposal??? You need some counselling, as well....
Honey, I'm sorry, but say goodbye to him. I know you won't believe me, but you'll find another man.
if you love him then go for it! it's not that hard to convince him to quit that habit
that way u help him from there deadly diseases and got him 4 u. : )
Don't be foolish, run, run as fast as you can, away from this person. He has a serious mental problem and drinks to avoid issues in his life.
He's not going to get any better in fact, probably worse and now, you think your going to go right in there and cure him? your wrong, he'll start blaming you for all his new troubles.
If he doesn't want to get help now, he never will, get out of that situation now.
Neither, tell him that you cant marry him while he finds excuses to drink. Him saying he cant quit is just a cop out. Just take the alcohol away from him, bit by bit.
I knowingly married an alchoholic. Don't do it. You will end up with a broken heart, and if you have children, they will be damaged by his alcoholism. Go to Al-anon before you make up your mind. I started going after he left me an wish I had years ago!
Do not marry this man .....they say counsling helps but it doesn't he has to do it on his own and if he is telling you that he can't quit then he won't quit counsling might help some but some it doesn't it just makes them worse...they will controll your whole life....you will be living in nightmares all the time..you can't plan for anything do to his drinking you will be ashame to go out with him because he will embarrase you in public he might seem nice now but it won't last...good luck in what ever you decide but I would say dump him now
Listen there are a lot of things that can drive someone to the bottle. Alcohol of course is not the answer and you and I both know this. You have to get your fiance to see that it is wrong. I mean maybe he has a reason for drowning his sorrows in alcohol. He might have some demons that he does not quite want to face. I would say no to the whole marriage thing right. I mean just until he seeks out some kind of help. Not only are you putting yourself in danger by being involved with a man that drinks. But he himself is basically slowing killing himself. The things that liquor can do to your liver and other major organs are quite alarming. Just sit him down and tell him how you feel. Also once you accomplish that then tell him that it's either you or the liquor? And just explain to him that you can not just sit back and watch him through his life away with every single swallow he takes. Just be prepared for the excuses. However if you do decide to marry him you will have to worry about him and any children you produce in the future also. Children implement what they see. So that is something else to consider. Get him in to a rehab or an AA group soon. If he is truly committed to stopping his addiction to alcohol he will stop. I did.
he has a problem ,does it affect you?/ IE violence or abuse,, it wont go away so you are going to have to deal with it..hard choice
As a sober alcoholic with almost 9 years of sobriety, my advice is to run for your life. Your guy has told you that he's an alcoholic and has no intention of getting sober. Over time, untreated alcoholism only gets worse, never better, and you are in for a life of heartache. I do not care if he is the man of your dreams, your life will be a nightmare if you marry him. Do not listen to the people who tell you that your love and support will get him sober--trust me, you're a human being, and you simply don't have the power to get anyone sober.
hell no, you only going to find yourself hurt in the end. what happens if the money gets low and you can't get his drink and it turns violent or bills don't get paid. Some people don't know that the one they love are alcoholics and never had a chance but you know so it's best that you get out of that relationship fast
Despite what everyone else is suggesting, which seems to be that if you love him, you should stay with him and help him, I don't think love has anything to do with this at all. It seems that he has no desire to change and probably won't even if you threaten to leave him. And while you are married to him, how many arguments and problems will you have that will stem from his drinking? He drinks only at night...but it won't stay that way forever. What if you had kids? Do you really want to risk your entire life and the lives of your children if he doesnt change? He drinks himself into a stupor because he doesnt have control. Think about it. Do you want to spend everyday as a wife being worried? Don't accept him and take him as he is simply because he is givng you an ultimatum.
my mom married my dad and thought the same thing. he drank at night and paid the bill during the day. but then he got to drinking during the day and not going to work and fighting and throwing things and then the cops were called and then he went to jail and then it happened all over again, then he got hooked to worse things and things went to complete hell and now my parents are divoriced and my dads in jail and has six felonies and no its not a good idea. if you have kids. they go through complete hell. i cant look at one positive thing from the time i was born till i turned 15. im 19 and i am tarnished by it. every aspect of my life is somehow affected.
I've been where you are now and I married the guy anyway. We were fine for awhile, but his drinking became worse and he became very unpredictable. He was a completely different person when he was drinking. I hadn't realized how boring it is when everybody around you is drunk. What he really needed was someone who could match him drink for drink and build a life around the bars in the area and didn't need a home life. Unfortunately I brought children into this marriage and when the children were old enough to realize their dad had a problem I needed to figure out how to explain it to them. I had to let them know it was a problem and it was NOT okay. In order to have a somewhat normal life for me and my children, we were divorced when they were young. He straightened up his act a little and married his drinking partner. He never completely got on the wagon so I can't imagine what his liver looks like! After the divorce the children were happier. Their dad had specific times he could see them and he had to be sober or he couldn't see them. He did see them frequently and could control his drinking when he wanted to. Everybody is grown up now (except my ex-husband). I never put down their dad and let them make their own decisions. (I just asked them not to judge him too harshly because that was just his way.) He still loved the children but was unable to be a proper father to them because of his drinking. Frankly, I don't miss cleaning up after him. My advice is ';Don't Do It';. You will always come second to the drinking.
Well then,try this.
one day,when the two of you are alone in the house,and when he is in a good mood.you suddendly burst into tears,or sob loudly in the corner of the room.then confess to him that you are worried.then cry cry cry.
He will then(hopefully) show his sympathy by quitting.
I suggest waiting and try to get him to cut back before taking a large step
Get him to commit to a programme like the AA has, don't even consider it. Alcohol leads to abuse in way too many cases. Even his.
No!!! They only get worse. I know, my ex-wife is one, and in 4 years it only got worse.
absolutely do not marry him. you are asking for a life time of misery.
he may be perfect in every other way but this addiction is the deal breaker.
please run as fast as you can from this relationship.
i think you should go ahead and marry him.
if u really love him,stay with him n be there for him n most importantly help him with his problem.
If you love him like you say you do, demand counseling or you're walking. Hopefully it won't come to that, cause it sounds like he's got some really good qualities. But, his problem is robbing both him and you. Its robbing your finances by having to support his habit, and then, at night, if he drinks until he's passed out, that is robbing you of those special late night times you guys should be having. If you say the ';i do's';, its your fault then.... you know his problem. If/when he realizes HIS problem and fixes it, then, ok, run down that aisle gal....but until then, heck NO.
are you kidding? picture yourself in 10 years having to deal with this problem.it would be a situation you brought onto yourself.dont marry this guy until he gets his life in order.
How much do you care to be with this individual? A point that would be good to bring up is there are four areas of marriage.
First area is the things that you know that you know.
Second area is the things that you know that you DO NOT know.
Third area is the things you DO NOT know that you know.
Fourth area is the things that you DO NOT know that you DO NOT know.
With all that said and from personal experience, you marring an individual should be a thing that you know that you know. Right now, it seams this problem is in the you know that you DO NOT know.
Furthermore, if you go ahead and actually do marry this individual against what a majority of the multitude of counsel has suggested, then it would be suggested to protect yourself from any pain this situation might bring. Further, another choice you have is to attempt to motive him to change from being a alcoholic to a non-alcoholic. Good luck with that one though.
I think you're forgetting the 3rd option, which is to help him get help. He CAN do this - and it will be MUCH easier if you're there to help him. Just don't be an enabler by pretending it isn't a problem, and at the same time don't make him feel weak or selfish when he relapses. Alcoholism is a very complex disease - if you really love him, I suggest AA for him and Al-Anon for you.
I would suggest getting him to go to counselling. There could be a much deeper emotional issue to his drinking. I would not marry him at the moment, until he has sorted it out. Things will get worse and worse the more he continues to drink
No, You should not jump into it.
Alcoholics is a form of addiction.He need to go for counsellings and treatment. If he so really love you and want to be with you as soul mate, seriously ask him to consider go for treatments.
Saying '; he doesn't think he can quit'; is just an accuse from reality.
To love and cherished someone whom you really love, is the Power of love and I believe and had faith he can overcome it and if he really love you.So do please considered your option carefully.
to be frank ,i will tell u to quit.
even if he is good in other ways it will become worse.
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