This is my attempt to analyze my life and leave it to the interpretation of YA. I hope to find a way to mend my broken ego and hurt heart, here.
Before my dad died I was best friends with a kid, let’s call him Ellis. I was best friends with him since I was in kindergarten, then when grade 1 came he switched schools because he didn't want to be in a school that taught Hebrew. I continued being friends with him even after he left my school and based my social life around friends that I knew out of school because I was always with Ellis. Even my lesser friends were just because they were neighbours or I semi knew them through Ellis.
Then when I was in grade 4 my dad died from Cancer. I was devastated but at the same time didn't even really understand how permanent death is. After he died I wouldn't have called myself depressed but once he died, I became very analytical of everything around me. My mom became an alcoholic who emotionally abused me and my 2 sisters (I am the youngest) to this very day. I started to keep to myself and slowly went down a road that lead to my depression. I slowly started to separate myself from Ellis and with him, my entire social life. By the time I was 12 and went into high school I had completely lost any contact with Ellis. (In Canada there isn't middle school, elementary - highschool)
Between the summer of high school and elementary is when I started to become depressed. I stopped going to summer camp and basically stayed in my room reading books, playing video games and in time, I became an Atheist that summer. I had a lot of free time and I started to go onto the internet and I found certain Youtube channels such as Thunderf00t and Theamazingatheist. I also read a book called “The God Delusion” By Richard Dawkins.
I eventually I started to criticize myself because my sisters recovered so successfully from the death of our dad and still be so happy and have such successful academic and social lives. I on the other hand didn’t (and still don’t) give a sh!t about school. I feel as if I am in a completely different world than everyone else, atleast at my school. I am too different to succeed socially in high school. Although I would not define myself as socially awkward, I am able to keep up convo with other people, but I fail at not giving out the vibe that I am a somewhat damaged person and in turn I realize this and it reflects in my bruised ego. In other words I know what to say and when to say it but I suck at executing it so.
I just hang around the nerds/geeks which I dread because everyone looks at me as a social failure compared to my sisters, and I hate to go below my standards. I am able to understand a person’s personality and act accordingly; I have still kept my sense of humor in check even after everything that has happened. But that’s how I perceive myself socially.
I go to a private Jewish school and the only reason I don’t protest this is because my dad came from Israel and had was grounded in Jewish morals. I feel as though it’s my duty to inherit my Jewish ethnicity.
Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely and I’m worried about what kind of person I’m becoming. I’m worried that because of what is happening and happened in my childhood that it is affecting who I become as a person for the rest of my life. I’m worried that I will never escape this depression. It’s draining on me and I don’t know how I could possibly ever live my life happily again. I’m worried that I won’t have a relationship until I’m 30 or something.
Everyone Judges me and compares me to my sisters and every time I think about how different we have turned out I die a little inside. I have intimacy issues and I push away anyone who even tries to get close to me anymore or if I start to make friends with someone I know and would like to be friends with.
I’m just sick of being surrounded by all these happy people with real nice lives who constantly judge me every day.
(I really don’t mind keeping to myself and being an anti social, in fact I would be a little happier if I was able to do this, but I feel obliged to at least have a few successful relationships in my life, and I am trying to figure out how to fix how I am)
FYI, trying to get my mom to stop drinking or get us taken away from her is useless. Social services won’t take us away from her unless she physically assaults us or cannot support us. She refuses to quit drinking and has gone to rehab several times. In fact one of the main reasons I started drifting away from Ellis is because his family tried to intervene and fix the problem, but my mom pushed them away and made it very hard for me to have contact with Ellis.I feel depressed and i'm scared that i won't be able to have a successful relationship.?
The teen years are the worst, especially if you live in a dysfunctional family. Social services are awful at what they do. I had to go through the same thing when I was your age and they honestly made the problems worse. You just gotta survive, man! The hell you are going through is temporary. Your handcuffed right now and I know it seems like the time is hardly moving, but it is! Trust me...
Everything you're going through will make you a stronger person. You have capabilities that others will never have. You will be happy some day, and have the perfect family that you've always longed for. Know that what your mom has done to you and your sisters is wrong and don't grow up like her.
Save up some money and look forward to the day that you turn 18. There is light at the end of this tunnel!I feel depressed and i'm scared that i won't be able to have a successful relationship.?
I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much. I was suicidal by the age of 11. I have bipolar disorder. You can't get rid of it, but you can still get on with your life and have fun too. The most important thing to do is to stop isolating. Go to the website www.meetup.com This is a worldwide network of people who want to connect to other people locally. You can find just about every kind of interest group imaginable.
Exercising releases stress, and depression is a stressor. I find that exercising on a regular basis helps a lot.
Stop thing about comparisons. You need to see yourself as you are rather than through the distorted lenses of judgmental people. It may take a few years of working on this, but you'll have eventual success. This will also make you much more independent.
As for romance, you won't find it by pushing people away. Most people find partners (sometimes you have to wonder about people's taste). If you can, study psychology. This will help re-direct attention away from yourself to other people.
If you want to chat more in depth, just contact me, and best wishes!
I'm so sorry about what happened to your dad,
Is it bad to say that I wish my dad died... :,( He ruined my life. He never had parents to care for him (was an orphan) , so he doesn't know how to love his kids. He is a truly selfish human being. He doesn't know how to be a good parent. Thats the only excuse I give him for all the physical and emotional abuse he put me though, and it makes me hate his guts.
I know where your coming from. I guess you could say we are the same in a way... except my sister is worse off than me. and we look alike too so now we're like the two socially awkward twins!
music never hurts I guess
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXBArAO0k…
From a teen age you face a lot of problems in your life. I have to introduced http://www.lawtosuccess.com to you, because they provides coaching for how to make a successful life. Through Performance Coaching you can free your time,mind and life. May be it works for you. Try this at once and you may be surprise.
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