What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?

Before our child was conceived, my BF had a severe (4+times/week) cocaine use/habit %26amp; was a heavy drinker (5+ drinks, 3-5 times/week). He then got emergency custody of his kids %26amp; his substance abuse toned down. Since his kids are now having visitation with their mother, he's taken back to the old habits -- mostly when the kids are gone. However, he still sneaks out after they're in bed or takes off for hours -- leaving me to take care of the household. With a baby on the way, he promised he wasn't doing cocaine any more and I had only witnessed the intoxication on about a once a week basis. I did just recently figure out he's been lying about being ';clean'; from cocaine. Here's my problem: I don't think I can/will expose my new baby to this behavior. I'm afraid he shouldn't be alone with a baby. I've shielded my son (8) from his habits but I'm terrified about the baby. He often says his kids are old enough (11-14) to take care of themselves so leaving for hours to hang out at a bar is fine. They can ';cook %26amp; clothe themselves.'; Yet a baby cannot. I am trying to find a place to live but feel a tremendous guilt about leaving his kids with no one that's really here for them. I feel horrible about splitting my son up from kids he regards as closely as siblings. His kids have confided that they feel I am the only person that takes care of them %26amp; have learned that having a dad gone all hours of the night is not ';normal.';





I have taken on the horrible task of documenting all his behavior. I have the phone records of his calls to his dealer. I have copies of credit card statements showing the amount of time %26amp; money he spends in bars.... I'm pretty sure he won't get any custodial rights to the baby. HOWEVER, I do not want it to come to some ugly mud slinging court case. I just want him to sign off all paternal right to the baby and let me fend for myself. I don't want to have to tell anyone that my baby's father is an alcoholic %26amp; drug addict but I don't know what I'm going to say when I move a month before a baby is born. I also feel very guilty about the fact that I am far from excited about the baby coming. I have no names. I have clothes %26amp; a car seat for the baby -- but nothing more. I have been waiting nine months for dad to change and I have put myself in a position requiring emergency action. He initially said he would move... then he said he would find me a place to live and pay for the first 6 months... now he's saying I'm on my own. I just wonder if moving with no job is even possible??? Am I doing the right thing? Honestly, if I just ignore his behavior, stay here, take care of all the kids -- money %26amp; a place to live are not a problem. It just doesn't seem right.





I've asked him to go to get help. He regrets his behavior but seems to think it's no big deal to be drunk all weekend (since Friday and counting...) and tells me it's none of my business. He will not go to a counseling or rehab service. He knows how to trick all the drug tests he needed to take to get custody of his kids. It just seems that waiting is hopeless. Since his habits are hidden, I look like a bit of a lunatic -- he's never been charged with drug crimes or alcohol related tickets. He's a steady provider that owns his own company. He's not abusive (except he calls me all kinds of names when he's drunk) and hides his ways very well. The whole situation has me scared, sad %26amp; feeling very stupid for exposing myself to this for so long. I cry a lot and I don't want to be around anyone except my family. If I had my way, I wouldn't even get out of bed but I have responsibilities.





From a completely non bias onlooker, what do I do?What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?
RUN! If he did not get clean for his other kids he certainly is not going to do it for you or your child. People who use cocaine or drink for long periods of time are highly unstable. Do you want to take the chance that he is driving one day intoxicated, pulled over and the police take your child from you for allowing him contact while you know full well he is a user.





Purely from a child protection stand point, I work for department of health and If I learned that you were aware of his ';problem'; and stayed with him, I would seriously question your protective capacity. What to do about an alcoholic/drug addict father?
Sounds like you already know what you need to do and so far you've done all the right things. Now you have to keep that positive action and apply it to all areas of your life. I understand that this is very emotional but you must protect your baby. Don't feel guilty about doing the right thing
When it comes to drug addicts and alcoholics, it is them that have to decide to go for help. They can go for you , but it will not work unless it is their idea to go. You can not make him better, he has to decide where he wants his life to end up. If he decides to let his life go down the tubes , don't go with him. You need to take care of your self, and try to get him to want help. Get on with your life, and live for yourself and the baby.


Good Luck with him,