After yet another day of passing out by 4:00pm and waking up at 10:30pm to get another beer, I stopped him %26amp; told him to move out. He said he wanted to be left alone to drink his beer, so I said ';Look in my eyes';. I told him that I was not spending the rest of my life with an alcoholic and I wanted him out. That I wasn't wasting another day on someone that didn't even care about themselves, let alone anyone else.
He's always so worried about his 401k, stock, IRA, etc that I even told him that I have no interest in his 'stuff'' and that would be clear once he saw the filing, but that he should get an attorney anyway to ease his mind.
He looked like a deer in headlights and said 'Well, you've got it all figured out - how long have you been planning this?'; I told him for the same amount of time I'd been talking to him about his drinking - 3 years.
So, he doesn't want a divorce, poured out all of the alcohol (which I've seen happen before) and asked what I wanted. I told him a minimum of 3 AA meetings a week and church (I don't care which church he chooses) on Sunday so that we can get some type of direction in our life. The first week that these things don't happen will be the week he comes home and finds his stuff packed and in the garage.
To recovering alcoholics and anyone that has lived with an alcoholic... is there ANY way this will work, or should we go ahead and end this now? I truly don't care anymore - I'm just sick of his drinking and want to have some peace from his crap. He can drink himself to death for all I care, I just don't want to watch it. I still love him, but I can't live with him anymore if he is going to continue to drink.Serious question for recovering alcoholics and victims of alcoholism?
I have been sober for 10.5 years. I went to AA for nine of those years and as a result I definitely have opinions both about sobriety and about AA.
First off, based on my own observations and on the research I've done, I do not believe that AA is necessary for getting sober, and I think it can actually be damaging over long periods of time. When you go to an AA meeting, one of the first thing you hear is ';this program isn't for people who need to get sober, it's for people who want to get sober';...and indeed, the people who want to get sober, do, AA or no AA; and the people who don't, don't, AA or no.
Now, if your husband actually does want to get sober, and he wants to go to AA, then that is fine. But do not MAKE him, thinking that that's there is some special magic in AA. There are other programs that he might find more to his liking or he might be perfectly successful quitting on his own (interesting tidbit: the success rate of AA members is about the same as for people who quit on their own.)
Now, why do I say that AA can be damaging over the long term? Because--not always, but often enough to make it really scary for someone in your position--AA becomes much more than a recovery support group, it completely takes over a person's life. AA members are taught that their recovery (which supposedly means AA participation) MUST come before everything else, including spouses and children--and not just in early sobriety, but forever. I cannot tell you the number of divorces I saw in AA, and they were usually AFTER the alcoholic spouse got sober and either completely ignored his/her family or even had an affair with another AA member.
You will be told to go to Al-Alon, of course. Before you show up at a meeting it is critical to know that this group is NOT about teaching you to support the alcoholic's sobriety. Look at its webpage. Instead, in Al-Anon you are taught that, like the alcoholic, you, the spouse, have an incurable disease, and, just like the alcoholic, need to ';work a recovery program';, embodied in the same 12 steps that they do in AA.
Trust me, I am completely committed to my sobriety and continued mental and emotional growth. I drank for 25 years and no way do I want that hell in my life again. I tried the AA way and by the time I left I couldn't tell down from up or think for myself anymore. It really is almost like a cult, the way it takes over your life. I just cannot recommend it to anyone.
I'll put a few links to some interesting information at the bottom for you. And I do wish you luck.
PS If he doesn't quit drinking, don't join Al-Anon, just leave. Trust me, you'll be better off.Serious question for recovering alcoholics and victims of alcoholism?
You are in a tough spot. Stopping alcohol is very hard, and he will likely need more than 1 try. If you want to give him one chance, then stick with it. By that, I mean when he messes up, you leave. You have to keep your promise in order for him to keep his. Otherwise, you will be an enabler. My mother went through this. They wound up divorced. We were all better off in the end. My dad is now clean.
A medical fact: alcohol withdrawal can kill. If he starts to have tremors, shakes, sweats, then take him to the hospital for a monitored detox. He will require medication that cannot be given at home. His life may depend on it. He can develop seizures, and this can cause death.
Back to the hard part: AA and church are a good start. However, AA doesn't work for everyone. If it does not work for him, search the community for other groups and treatment facilities. You will need support too. Don't forget to take care of you.
Best of luck.
The family of the alcoholic is just as sick as the alcoholic himself and they need to heal.
“Be the change that you want to see in the world”.
Mohandas Gandhi
The mother of my child became involved in Al-Anon and kicked me out of the house. She started to heal herself and she changed. She gained strength from the other families suffering from alcoholism that she found in Al-Anon, that helped her take an unfavorable position with me, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I then had to take a long hard look at myself. I took about two years after that to finally get and stay sober through the program of AA and the spiritual principles contained in the 12 steps of recovery. I am celebrating five years of sobriety this July and my life has never been better. Me and the mother of my child have an awesome relationship, although we are no longer together. My relationships have healed with my whole family and I thank the grace of God that I was introduced to in Alcoholics Anonymous AA is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the people who love me.
There are many causes of liver disease and
your husband is facing two: Hepatitis C and
alcoholism.
http://www.medicinenet.com/hepatitis_c/a…
http://hepatitis-c.emedtv.com/hepatitis-…
Hepatitis C is a virus that attacks the liver.
It uses the patients own body cells to replicate
itself. It keeps progressing and destroys the
liver cells...which leads to cirrhosis of the liver.
This is a very hard diagnosis to accept.
Patients are faced with the fact that they are
going to die, as cirrhosis of the liver is a
progressive disease that can only be slowed
down from advancing. They can become
extremely depressed and mad for what has
taken place....especially if the Hepatitis C
developed through no cause of their own.
They are facing a possible need for a liver
transplant in the near future. This takes
evaluation and good insurance to be able to
be placed on the transplant list. It is an
extremely expensive surgery.
Coming off of alcohol is extremely hard.
Most liver patients have to go through a
detox program at a hospital to do this and
the side effects of coming off the alcohol
are very frightening and they feel like they
can die from them when it takes place...
it takes medications from the doctors to
try to help the patient deal with these side
effects. Still, after they go through this
process, they have to come to terms with
the fact they may still die from the virus inside
their liver.
The doctors know he is drinking, they can tell
by the tests they do. Unless he stops drinking...
he will have no chance to be placed on the
transplant list. People who have Hepatitis C...
do get transplanted...he may not know this.
The doctors may have told him he cannot have
a transplant and he is dealing with this the
best way he can.
It is sounding like he wants you to know all
about what he has so he can prepare you
should he pass on.
Here is what is happening inside his body:
The virus is destroying his liver cells and
the alcohol is also doing this. It starts out
as the cells being damaged. The immune
system of the body responds to this and
causes inflammation to develop in the liver.
This causes the liver to enlarge in size.
This will eventually cause the cells of the liver
to die off and form scar tissue inside the liver
that blocks the flow of blood through the liver
and to the liver cells. This blood backs up
into other areas of the body and can cause
internal bleeding and also cause the spleen
to enlarge in size. The disease will keep
progressing till it can lead to fluid building up
in his body and his mind becoming very unclear.
He will need all the help he can have then to
handle all his affairs.
You can read about cirrhosis of the liver here: http://www.hcvets.com/data/hcv_liver/cir…
http://www.medicinenet.com/cirrhosis/art…
If you want to know more about the transplant
process...here is a good guide:
http://www.surgery.usc.edu/divisions/hep…
http://www.transplantliving.org/
I know you are extremely mad cause he won't
quit drinking. He was trying to help, if he was taking treatment from the doctor for the Hep C.
It isn't easy watching someone going through
a disease like this one.
Here is a support group that you might be
interested in:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/liv…
There are caregivers here, patients who have
Hep C and alcoholism and many other causes
of the disease, and also people who have
lost loved ones to this disease. Some here
have even had transplants. It is free to
join and post. These people really care about
each other.
I hope this information is of some help to you.
You are not alone in facing all this...
I would love to give you a hug and help support you during this ordeal. Please try going to ala-non meetings. They offer help to those families living with an alcoholic. Talk to his doctor and ask about rehab for him. In the meantime, it will be up to if you want to live with him, but for your own peace of mine, You have already given him an ultimatum. Now it is up to him to make the next move and start doing what you requested. Maybe a separation is in order to make him realize you mean business. Good Luck!
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