Need sincere advice from alcoholics?

My husband is an alcoholic. Each ';episode'; consists of verbal abuse and physical abuse. My children 18, 20, 24 have lost respect for him. On his ';good'; days he can be the sweetest man in the world. I find it extremely difficult to file for a divorce after he's back to ';normal'; because I feel sorry for him. I truly am afraid of becoming one of those wives that loses her life for staying at his side. How is it that I feel more guilty for my actions than he does? I know I'll be criticized for putting up with this for so long. I just wish he would go away. Ive tried restraining orders and he just won't stay away and to not cause him more legal problems I let him get away with it. The first time I finally had him arrested I thought for sure that would do it, well things just got worse. Now it's ';my fault'; he's in all this trouble with the law. I don't know what to do anymore like I said before, I just wish he would go away. Why don't alcoholics just go away? Why don't they leave their families to pursue the life they want to live as alcoholics?Need sincere advice from alcoholics?
He is not going away because you are letting him stay. If you got a restraining order he would HAVE TO stay away or do something about his drinking. You cannot continue to enable him and let him get away with what he is doing without consequences. One time in jail apparently was not enough. Get a restraining order, do not give him money or help. The fact is, he is going to end up killing himself or someone else. (maybe you....maybe one of your kids)Need sincere advice from alcoholics?
honey I know this is really really hard for you probably the most difficult thing you will ever go through but you need to realize you cant help him by staying with him the best thing you can do is give him an ultimatum tell him that he either stops drinking and goes to a live in dry out program or you walk you have raised three boys you have done your job as a mother now you need to worry about yourself and your needs clearly his aactions hurt you maybe it would be best to walk away just make sure your safe when you do it have a friend or trusted family member or better yet a police officer as you gather your things good luck honey god bless I will pray for you (o:
I'm not an alcoholic, just someone who enjoys getting into his cups quite often. Where do I start? If he's abusing you, he's lost his claim to you. Seriously. ';I'm sorry, I won't do it again'; and he does: means ';I only said that when I was on the spot, fool.'; I hate to put it that way because I have some idea how you must feel in that situation. A person pulling good cop / bad cop is a terrible thing to deal with. When he turns sweet you want to let the other stuff slide because he's not being this way now--but on the other hand he's able to use that to keep you in thrall when he's being abusive.





And I'm sorry--it's not your fault he's in trouble with the law, it's his. You have to remind him you only called the law into this because he's hitting you or whatever. And hitting you should be a %26amp;^%$ing clue, shouldn't it? You're right that letting him get away with violating the restraining orders has only encouraged him--though I totally understand how you could end up doing that. Being firm with an a**hole when he's on good behavior is tough!





Yes. You need to get rid of this guy. His problems will be your problems until you do. If you stay with him, you'll be pulled down into his hell, except that he'll stand on you so he can gulp some air. Get out, seriously--get that divorce. You'll feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. You'll probably also feel some guilt--ignore it. Call on your children; I'll bet they'll be helpful in ditching this guy, or in supporting you through this.
I am not an alcoholic but I have came from an alcoholic family.The best thing you can do is to leave him especially if he is being abusive.That is what my mother had done(my father never hit my mother though) and my father drank for many years until she left him and he stopped drinking because of it.It made him realize that he lost something that loved him very much and he loved her the same.This only took a week for her to be gone, they had been married for 30 years .She went back to him and he hasn't been drunk since.


But in your situation you need to file for a divorce and if you get restraining orders don't break them ,always call the police no matter what.Especially if he is physically abusive.His anger could get worse and then the matter can get out of hand to where you end up in the hospital or worse,dead.


He only stops until you think the situation is normal.This is just a way to keep you from leaving him and feel sorry for him.This habit is going to continue until you put a stop to it for good.
Well to answer your last question because he would rather you take care of him and let him abuse you. The fact is I don't blame you for staying. Alcoholics have a way of beating you down to the point where you don't think you're any good anyway. After a while you begin to validate your own self worth on what his opinion of you is. It's a little more complicated than just telling you that you should pick up and leave. He's beaten you down to the point where you actually feel sorry for him.


I know it's easy for everyone to judge you and say you should just leave, but realistically that is what you should do. If you are able to support yourself then start saving money to put away towards your own place. Then one day, just move out. Move and if he follows you then call the police and start with the legalities. It really is going to have to be your decision. You will have to get sick enough of his behavior to end it. He will not do it for you. I doubt very seriously he's going to graciously come home one day in a drunken stupor and tell you he thinks he'll just go away for your benefit. You need to take care of you and let him live the life he chooses. If when you leave he sees the error in his ways, then consider taking him back, but for now you owe it to yourself to get out!
I'm not an alcoholic but I'm the daughter of an alcoholic (my mom has been an alcoholic for 30+ years and I'm 18)





Alcoholics don't just go away because they think what they're doing is right (assuming they're still in denial). They are comfortable with the way their life is, and don't see it as a problem until they get sober for that couple of days, or week or even a few years.





They don't leave their families because their families need to leave them, its just like asking the question, why don't they leave the bottle? They can't.





It takes many in counters with the law, many lonely nights, thousands of dollars in booze, and the realization that what they are doing is NOT right, to make them turn around.





They become physically addicted to alcohol after awhile so even if they wanted to stop, they can't, and if they try the withdrawl symptoms are so intense they just want t go back to what is ';comfortable.';





You feel more guilty because you feel that it's your responsibility to keep him from drinking, but it's not your fault, no matter what he says.





I suggest looking into rehabs, it may take a couple times, but he needs to find out what his triggers are that make him drink and he needs to figure out how to prevent them or get the tools to change his outlook.





goodluck.





And you may also want to try going to Alanon Meetings, they're meetings for family %26amp; friends of alcoholics.





----edit


giving your husband ultimatums is not going to make him stop drinking.