Anybody ever live with a functioning alcoholic who doesn't want help; you love them; can't leave?

Any words of advice on what to do; If have tell me your story and how did you find the strength to do it when you Truly do care. HelpAnybody ever live with a functioning alcoholic who doesn't want help; you love them; can't leave?
I lived for 18 years with my alcoholic mother.





I question your statement that you ';can't'; leave. Of course you can. You may choose not to leave, but you do have a choice. So, don't lie to yourself. Don't tell yourself that you ';can't'; leave. Tell yourself that you have chosen to stay, and ask yourself periodically if you still believe that choice is the right one, because things may have changed since you thought it through the last time. Remember, loving someone does not mean allowing yourself to be abused. You can love someone, but still have a home of your own which is a haven of peace and tranquility.





There are many strategies to living with an alcoholic. It all starts with your attitude. Even if you live with an alcoholic, the alcoholic is an adult and is responsible for his actions. They will make their own decisions, and handle the consequences of their own decisions as any adult would, and you should not interfere. Where you have no authority, you have no responsibility. You cannot make the alcoholic stop drinking so you are not responsible for what happens when he drinks. He can make the decision whether to drink, whether to seek treatment, whether to drive under the influence, so HE (or she) made the particular choice he made, knowing the likely outcome, and is responsible for what happens. They ended up right where they expected they might end up. Why should it be your problem that they set a course, and then arrived at their destination? You should not lie about it, hide it, apologize for it, fix it, stress over it, or involve yourself in it. Be somewhere else, doing something else, and let the alcoholic make their own bed just the way they like it, and don't interfere with them when they proceed to lie in it. Your alcoholic's business is his own business, not yours.





As far as you go, your health is something you need to actively manage. Your physical health and your emotional health. Start with your physical health, because that is the foundation for your emotional health. Do whatever is necessary to ensure that you get a good night's sleep every night (even if that means sleeping in a different room, with earplugs and a fan going, and a locked door, or sleeping in a motel). Eat healthy. Get some fresh air and sunshine and exercise every day. Take your vitamins. Avoid alcohol and caffeine and sugary snacks that cause highs and lows in energy levels.





Now, for your emotional health. Establish and maintain your personal boundaries. Perhaps you should simply make it clear to your alcoholic that you will not discuss any of the problems he is facing as a result of alcoholism. You don't want to hear about his latest dui, or his court appearance, or whatever the latest drama is. You must be treated with respect and civility. At the first sign that you are being verbally or physically abused, or treated with disrespect, you will enforce your boundaries. If the behavior is criminal, call the police. If he is speaking disrespectfully, simply end the conversation and find a quite place to be ALONE. If he follows you and will not leave you alone, then explain that if he does not leave you alone, you will be calling the police, or leave the premises to go to a motel or stay with a relative. If you are being routinely driven from your home, then it is time to recognize that it is no longer a home, it is a war zone, and you need to leave it and find yourself a real home. You need financial security or you will always be stressed and struggling. So you must find a way to maintain your own financial security that is not subject to the chaos of your alcoholic's life.





Build a strong emotional support network of relatives outside the home, friends, coworkers, etc. Let them know what is going on in your life, so that if a crisis occurs, they have the backstory, and know what needs to be done. Choose people who are good listeners, give good common sense advice, and who do a good job managing their own lives. Consider counselling. One good social worker who has worked with 100+ alcoholic families over the years can help you get a handle on your situation in no time.





Feed your mind and spirit. Spend time with your friends doing things you enjoy, that has nothing at all to do with your alcoholic. Pursue your hobbies. Achieve your goals. You should not put your life on hold because your alcoholic's life is stalled out. Go back to college, if you want. Earn that promotion. Learn to paint. Take a nature walk or go hiking in the Grand Canyon. Keep striving and achieving.





Deal with your grief. You must grieve over the person you have dreamed your alcoholic could be, and accept that loss. You must grieve for the relationship you do not have. The stages of grief includes denial, bargaining, anger, grief and acceptance. I am sure you are familiar with all of these. Let yourself work through them. You will switch back and forth between them. Talk until you are blue in the face. Talk until there is nothing more to say. Explore your attempts to ';bargain';, to try to convince the alcoholic to stop drinking, to try to hide the alcohol or make deals with him. Deal with your anger. You can get away, but there is no escape for the alcoholic. As you recognize all that the alcoholic has lose, you will have compassion, and the anger will fade into a sad acceptance.





I will leave you with these profound words of wisdom by Simon and Garfunkel. Perhaps you are not ready at this time, but consider them if the time comes...





';The problem is all inside your head';, she said to me


The answer is easy if you take it logically


I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free


There must be fifty ways to leave your lover





She said it's really not my habit to intrude


Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued


But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude


There must be fifty ways to leave your lover


Fifty ways to leave your lover





Just slip out the back, Jack


Make a new plan, Stan


You don't need to be coy, Roy


Just get yourself free


Hop on the bus, Gus


You don't need to discuss much


Just drop off the key, Lee


And get yourself freeAnybody ever live with a functioning alcoholic who doesn't want help; you love them; can't leave?
I lived for more than 10 years with my alcoholic wife. Eventually I realized that I couldn't live that way anymore. It depressed the heck out of me that I faced the end of our marriage, but I knew I had to do something. I told my wife that I was done with our marriage as it was. If she was prepared to go into treatment, I would stay and help her through it. But if there was to be no change on her part, then I was going to make some of my own changes, and she would have to move out.





Once she saw the writing on the wall, she reluctantly agreed to go into treatment for alcoholism. That was over 4 years ago, and we are still together, and she hasn't relapsed yet since leaving the treatment centre.





Since that time I had to do a lot of work on myself, to examine why I stayed in our marriage so long before letting her know that I was unhappy enough over her drinking to leave, or kick her out. I also had to recover from the other effects of living under the same roof with an addict. I discovered that I was traumatized a lot more than I had imagined, and I had to learn how to manage my own life, and let go of the job of managing hers.





I also learned that there is such a thing as caring too much, and that some of us really can love a person to death. Especially when we are at a loss as to what the correct thing to do is when dealing with an alcoholic. There are times when truly caring is the right thing to do, and then there are times when it is not. We are taught by our families the right, and wrong about caring and loving. But most of those rules become unfair to those of us who are doing the loving and caring, when the one who receives the love is an alcoholic.





Maybe you can't leave yet. That's OK, you just haven't reached your bottom line with this person. But be ready to change your mind when you do.





Anyway that's as much of my story as I can put in here. I sometimes think I could write a book, but there's already a few already published on this subject, and I am not sure I have anything new to add to those already written. One of the books I read that helped me immensely is a book titled: ';CoDependant No More'; by Melodie Beatty.


I recommend that you read it. I know you think the person who needs help here is your alcoholic, but you will be in a much better position to help him/her if you learn how to properly care for yourself, and the key to that is in the above mentioned book. It worked for me, and it can for you too.


Good luck on your journey.
AA is for the alcoholic that still suffers....Alanon is for the non-alcoholic that still suffers.


Go...get a sponsor, work the program. Stop talking and take action.