Are you or have you been married to an alcoholic? Please help.?

I know it's long but alcoholism is complicated. :(





After yet another day of passing out by 4:00pm and waking up at 10:30pm to get another beer, I stopped him %26amp; told him to move out. He said he wanted to be left alone to drink his beer, so I said ';Look in my eyes';. I told him that I was not spending the rest of my life with an alcoholic and I wanted him out. That I wasn't wasting another day on someone that didn't even care about themselves, let alone anyone else.





He's always so worried about his 401k, stock, IRA, etc so I told him that I have no interest in his 'stuff'' and that would be clear once he saw the filing, but that he should get an attorney anyway to ease his mind.





He looked like a deer in headlights and said 'Well, you've just got it all figured out - how long have you been planning this?'; I told him for the same amount of time I'd been talking to him about his drinking - 3 years.





He has also had Hep C for years and just started treatments a month ago and obviously isn't supposed to be drinking with them. Even though his viral load is only 200,000 the doctors can't figure out why he has mild scirrosis, because he told them he doesn't drink. Ugh..





So, he doesn't want a divorce, poured out all of the alcohol (which I've seen happen before) and asked what I wanted. I told him a minimum of 3 AA meetings a week and church (I don't care which church he chooses) on Sunday so that we can get some type of direction in our life. The first week that these things don't happen will be the week he comes home and finds his stuff packed and in the garage.





To recovering alcoholics and anyone that has lived with an alcoholic... is there ANY way this will work, or should we go ahead and end this now? I truly don't care anymore - I'm just sick of his drinking and want to have some peace. He can drink himself to death for all I care, I just don't want to watch it. I still love him, but I can't live with him anymore if he is going to continue to drink.Are you or have you been married to an alcoholic? Please help.?
I'd talk - he'd ';sober up'; just long enough to appease me and then go right back at it...that on and off thing lasted for about 5 years. I finally started to follow through on my threat to leave and divorce - he followed through with an attempted suicide - and then we managed to repair and recoup. (I just couldn't leave him when he was in the hospital - but I think he was very clear at that point in time that it would happen if the changes didn't take and weren't followed through on.) Will it happen for you? Maybe...but you've got to resolve to follow through on your threats or nothing will change. Private counseling and/or Al-Anon for yourself is a must! Good luck!Are you or have you been married to an alcoholic? Please help.?
Enabling is no plan. Picture one month, one year and one decade from now. Waht do you see?
Get out.
He will end up dying of liver disease. My uncle did the same thing.
There is a very slim chance that this will work, so if you want to wait and see, by all means do so. But stick to your word about this being the last shot he has with you. Generally an alcoholic who goes into recovery because someone else wants them to doesn't stick with it. That is because the desire to quit needs to be within that person. Very rarely the trhreat of losing a wife and family will put that desire there, but that is indeed rare.





However it is best to give a marriage every chance you can, so I hope he manages the meetings as you want him too.
Sounds like you are trying to do the right things but unless he wants to change, nothing will. He has to hit bottom or die before anything changes. This is a tough situation. Just keep your end of the deal and if he doesn't do what you ask, move on. Tough love is important.
He will only stop dirnking when he wants to do it for him, if he is doing it for you he is doing it for the wrong reasons and will moost likely drink as soon as things between you and him get good again. Sorry but if you are so determined to leave him and continue to with your life use that impulse and don't let it go, it is going to be harder to leave him later
You answered your own question in the last paragraph. YOu don't care so staying with him is just going to add more turmoil. And if you truly don't care, why risk contracting Hep C, if you already haven't, from something stupid he does while drinking. Sounds like many more trips over the side of the wagon for him. He needs to get sober for himself, because he wants to.





Hep C, cirrhosis, more drinking to come. He's almost got both feet in the grave already.
First of all, good for you. Living with an alcoholic is awful, and you are doing the right thing for you and for your family.





Yes, it could work. My mother was an alcoholic, but managed to be sober for 10 years before she passed. Get him in the program, give him all the support he needs and the rest...well the rest is up to him.





Best wishes! Stay strong.





EDIT- if you love him, and want him to succeed, give him the support he needs. Don't just ';Get out,'; And FYI- just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean he's going to die of liver disease. If he stays clean he could end up fine. My mother was sober for 10 years but ended up dying from Lung cancer- she never smoked. You can't control somethings- all we can do is love our families and do our best to support them.
STOP.





Just for a moment. STOP.





Do not think about his health, his drinking, his Hep C, his 401K plan.......STOP.





Think about YOU.





Please, contact your local Al-Anon in your area....they are EVERYWHERE. Start going to weekly Al-Anon meetings.





Your life will change when YOU change.





Please, help YOURSELF.





I will pray for you!
End it now. I hung on to my alcoholic way too long. They never ever get better, and if they do happen to be able to stop at all, they will never remotely be able to connect with anyone else other than another alcoholic.





All alcoholics are missing some sort of element in their character that enables them to fully connect to, love, and empathize with other human beings--not spouses, not children, not parents. There is no one they can truly ever love because they are simply not capable. They cannot (or will not) face life the way the rest of us have to and the least little thing will send them running back to what they love the most--the bottle. And he does love that bottle more than he loves you.





It was hard to leave--I waited until he was completely messed up before I gave up because I felt as if I was a failure for not being able to fix him. They pick people like us who will feel that way. Make sure you know yourself and heal emotionally before you pick another of the same kind--sadly, it's easier sometimes to deal with what we know--in this case, the ragingly narcisstic alcoholic--than to try someone different, but that's what you have to do. Good luck, life can be so much better.
I'm not going to give you a bunch of useless links to support groups for spouses of alcoholics to help you cope with your situation. I am going to tell you exactly what you asked for: HOW TO LEAVE.








Q) The answer I want from you is a clear cut list, follow steps 1 - 10, of how to leave him.





A) HOW TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND IN 10 STEPS








1) RENT AN APARTMENT NEAR WORK - (PAY WITH CASH)





You may think this is a radical first step, but it's an IMPORTANT one. Here's why:





a) You will start to feel the autonomy IMMEDIATELY.


b) You won't have to move items twice. (you'd have to use a mail stop and storage unit)


c) You will be more MUCH MORE committed, you won't change your mind.


d) You'll have a place to keep your lists of things TO-DO etc...








You may decide to rent what is called an ';Extended Stay'; suite. If you want to leave all the furniture, this is a good idea. They are in every major city. You would then use the Extended Stay abode as a transitional dwelling, and perhaps buy a condo in a few months, but less than a year. they are more expensive than an Apartment. Here's a web site where you can browse to your city and see what's available:





http://www.extendedstayhotels.com/











ASSUMING YOU DECIDE TO RENT AN APARTMENT...








I promise, as soon as you secure keys to a new Apartment, and start walking back to your car, a smile will creep over your face. You will feel differently. I know, because I have done this. Make sure the new Apartment is in a secure building on at least the 2nd floor, or higher. When he finds out where you are, you don't want him banging on your door in a drunken belligerent stupor.





When renting, be up front with the landlord. Pay with cash withdrawn from your joint checking or savings account. Do not pay by check. Ask if there is some way you can rent without them running a credit report. That way, there will be no record of your new location. Maybe showing tax returns and paystubs from your work will suffice.





In any event, GET THE APARTMENT. Not running your credit is not imperative, it would only give you some extra time before he finds you is all, if he even thought of looking for you that way (my husband found _me_ that way).








Although you will deal with the Utilities in the last week before moving, here are my recommendations:





PHONE LINE CONSIDERATIONS





The only utility I recommend keeping is your old phone number/phone line. You will want to transfer your home phone ';landline'; (and billing) to your new apartment. Keep the same number. You will want CALLER ID --AND-- CALL REJECTION. Here's why:





a) He'll call you, but you will have Caller ID. As soon as you know which number is his, hang up and BLOCK IT with CALL REJECTION. And block the one from his work as well. This can easily be done through the phone company. With call rejection, your phone won't even ring when he calls. No agonanizing over whether to answer it. You'll never hear it ring. You can add as many numbers as you like for the same monthly fee. In my city, it's $5.99 a month. Politely tell his friends, when they call, if he has any besides the bottle, that you have moved and you don't know his new number.





Also, set up the phone so that PRIVATE CALLERS HAVE TO UNBLOCK THEIR NUMBER... Ask the phone company how to do this. In my city, this is free. Then, every call you receive will have a name attached to it.





No matter where ';he'; calls you from, hang up and BLOCK THE NUMBER.





b) This will give you some level of comfort and control so that as people call, _YOU_ can inform them of the separation.





c) You won't have to call all your friends and give them a new number.





d) He won't be answering the phone when your friends call, telling them what a B***H you have been, that you deserted him, etc.





Heck, you don't want his phone number anyway, do you? Keep yours!!





The phone company is VERY GOOD about transferring phone service to a new address, they can transfer service neatly, at very near the EXACT HOUR you request them to. Certainly within a 4-5 hour window. (I have done this) Another option for you to consider is: you can ask the phone company to have it ring in BOTH locations for one or two days in advance of the move, and then shut off the old location after you have everything out and you know you are not going to return.


This does NOT cost a lot, they just wait for you to call and give the heads-up to shut off the old location.





Tell the phone company what you are doing. Tell them you want your name ALONE on the bill, they will cooperate.
If you love him and want to be with him, then go thru with this. But make sure you are absolutly serious. The first time he slips up, he should be out. And listen to valerie. Go to Al-anon. It will be good for you.





But if you are just sick of this then file. You said he has poured out the beer before. He also lies. So there is a strong chance he will do this all again. You need to figure out how much is too much. Good luck.
Yes, a mild alcoholic.





It will get worse as we get older.





It won't work when it gets worse. BUT...I have warned him.





My dad drank for 27 years and my mom stuck it out. He finally quit and replaced it with prescription pain killers. She's just glad he's not drinking. They have now been married for 41 years. It really just all depends on what you are and are not willing to endure. Good Luck.