So I married my husband %26amp; he didn't drink or smoke. I made it very clear when we first started dating I couldn't tolerate either. Three months after we get married he starts both. That was 6 years ago and here I am married to an alcoholic who doesn't think he has the problem, I do-he likes to drink, not a problem. Two weeks ago I came home from work. He apparently left work early to do quality time with his recliner and beer because he was blitzed! Had a hard time walking, standing and talking. Started pawing on me-totally repulsed me and disgusted me. I was very close to packing a bag and leaving. When I tried to wake him up to tell him I couldn't. I violently shook him for over 15 minutes and wore myself out in the process. All night long I didn't get any sleep waiting to have to call 911 or the police because of him dying - all because he drinks too much. But I'm the one with the problem with his drinking. I had a long heart to heart with him this past Sunday about how it makes me feel, how it affects me and all. He opened a beer, took a drink and said sucks to be you. Now he doesn't even remember saying anything to me. He's totally ignoring me, totally disregarding any of my feelings. His brother even told me I should leave because alcoholics don't change. The can mask their addiction for awhile but until they hit bottom there is no changing them. Anyone out there actually have a marriage that has survived an alcoholic? He did suggest I start drinking, then I would understand him better...Insane, I know.Living with an alcoholic-is there a way to survive?
Oh honey... His brother is right... An alcoholic will not stop drinking until they have hit rock bottom and it is almost impossible to know what that could be for him...
Here is a statistic I heard in senior health class (10 years ago) that stills rings in my ears today:
85% OF ALCOHOLICS DIE WITH THE DISEASE INTACT %26amp; ACTIVE
My mother died with the disease ';intact %26amp; active'; 2 years ago this Thanksgiving. She would stop drinking for up to 2 weeks sometimes, then we would find her belligerent and on a binge.
He doesn't remember your conversations or even treat you with respect because (as my family has come to understand) the ';monsters'; have control of him. We referred and still refer to the disease as the ';monsters';.
My mom was a wonderful person with a warming caring loving and open heart... But the monsters inside her were cold callus viscious and just plain evil.
For an alcoholic to survive life without their addiction for the rest of their life is honestly VERY RARE. Not that it cannot be done but it is very very difficult. A heart to heart won't work if the ';monsters'; are at play (he's been drinking) because the loved one isn't there.
I sometimes would sit on the floor at my mother's feet and try talking to her... I could sometimes break through and hit HER heartstrings... I could see the soul of my mother coming through until ::snap:: the ';Monster'; took over once more and evil prevailed once more.
I don't believe in interventions at late stage in addiction... If the person is consumed by the addiction then how can you get in?!
Addiction tends to be progressive...
I wish I had a better answer for you but I think you should consider walking away. Get into counseling and heal your heart. Being involved with someone with an addictive behavior has consequential effects on EVERYONE that loves them.Living with an alcoholic-is there a way to survive?
Join Al Anon. It is for people who have spouses/partners that are alcoholics. It will help. An no, he won't change until he realizes he has a problem and wants to change. This doesn't happen generally until they hit the bottom... if then.
aa is for recovering alcholic and can deliver peace
alanon is for the recovering co-dependent and can deliver happiness
most of my friends are in either program or both...double winners
your brother is right alcoholics cant change unless they admitt they have a prob. obviously he thinks the prob is yours i would leave %26amp; not look back!
divorce
Al Anon.
That is all I am going to say about this.
Trust me. Go.
I am married to one who ';recover'; he had 4 DUI and was in jail for 7 months before he will not think he had a problem, he would blame everyone for his drinking. If you want to stick join Al Anon, it will help you to deal with the problem. My husband did not drink for 7 years. I left when he did sober I came back. It's not easy and I wish you the best.
Both my ex husbands had problems with alcohol. The first was out in the open at bars and coming home drunk at night. The second hid bottles around the house and would ';go to the garage for a second'; and come back blitzed himself. I remember his face falling in his food at dinner and him passing out almost nightly due to the drinking. I didn't go to AlAnon (might've helped, but I'm not sure). We ended up divorcing, but due to his having an affair. Looking back, the drinking had already ';killed'; the marriage for me. He become less attractive to me and I wanted nothing to do with being intimate, at all. You deserve so much better. AlAnon may help you to get through it, on your own, but it sure sounds like he won't and doesn't want to change. I suggest you leave and start life anew. Good luck!
Please do not start drinking. Join Al-Anon, it will help you to understand the alcoholic's behavior, it will however, not change your situation or your husband. Your husband does not believe he has a problem. If he is unwilling or unable to admit he has a drinking problem, then yes, he will have to hit bottom before seeking help. Unfortunately for you it may be too late. My husband was arrested for DWI, admits he is an alcoholic and he still drinks. I am ready to walk out but he doesn't believe that I will. I have gone to Al-Anon and have learned that the addiction is his, he has to own it. I don't think my marriage is going to work, even with the serenity prayer.
Your brother is right. I lived with an alcoholic for 17 years until I finally threw in the towel. He was ';dry'; to when we got together. I stayed with him because I wanted to ';keep the family together';. Only after I finally left, I realized the amount of damage he had done to me and my children. I never regretted leaving him, but I regretted not having left a lot earlier.
I am not in this situation but I can only imagine how tough it is. It is your husband and you took the vow for better or for worse and this sounds like the worse so in a perfect world I would say stay with him. Since it is not a perfect world you are going to have to leave. I don't really agree with the alcoholic will always be statement but I do think that in order for him to get help he has to know he has a problem (which doesn't sound like he does) then second he has want to change. You can have a million conversations with him but until he is ready to stop the drinking will continue. So maybe you leaving will be the wake up call he needs to get his ish together
I had to leave my husband due to his alcoholism. He could/would not admit he had a problem until he lost his marriage. That was a problem.. Thankfully, he's sobered up (a bit) and can see that he did, in fact have a drinking problem, and he accepts the consequences (divorced) of not doing anything about it sooner.
You keep throwing away little bits of yourself with all of it and soon you will have nothing left to throw. It becomes a matter of when do you start looking out fro number one again? You know he isn't going to so when are you? As hard as it is, divorce may be the safest road back to sanity for you.
I'm married to an alcoholic also. I understand your pain, your frustrations and your sadness... its hard to watch someone destroy their life.
yes.. insane, and normal for an alcoholic at the same time. my husband does the same, he denies what he says when he is drunk. And he says some pretty bad bad bad things... but my husband will just deny everything and then place all the blame on me. I am going through my own personal hell dealing with someone that blames all of their problems on me... its a very futile existence.
I did go to my first al-anon meeting on Monday, and it made me feel a little better. Al-anon is for people effected by alcoholics, so at most right now maybe you could try it out just to be around others that have dealt with the same issues.
My heart goes out to you, I know the pain because I live through it everyday of my life... I'm so sorry.
I AM a recovering alcoholic of 19 yrs. thru AA. I also was married to an alcoholic so joined Alanon. I've said MANY TIMES that AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity. Unless the alcoholic ADMITS they have a problem, does something about it, it's just going to get WORSE. Alcoholism IS a progressive killer disease. At some point it WILL kill you %26amp; hopefully not take anyone else along w/them. I would highly suggest he go thru a 30 day program, altho my ex went thru many, %26amp; he just did NOT want to stop drinking. I finally after 12yrs. had had it along w/the constant cheating on me. I HIGHLY suggest you go to a few Alanon mtgs. This is what WILL help YOU. Call the 800# for alcohol %26amp;ask for the next closest mtg. to you. They ARE the greatest folks you could ever want to meet. They w/be GLAD to help you in any way possible. But it IS a progressive disease %26amp; is only going to get worse as time goes by. Hopefully he doesn't turn to anger %26amp; then you'll have a domestic violence problem along w/the alcoholism. I AM living proof that an alcoholic CAN change. My 3 adult children are SO GLAD to have their mother ';back';. I am so GLAD to have ';me'; back. PLEASE of all things, do NOT start drinking yourself %26amp; join him. Two wrongs do NOT make a rite, NOT in this case anyway. Alcoholism IS a disease, that's why ins. pays for in treatments for this disease. From the sounds of it, he is NOT ready to ';give it up'; tho if he wants you to join him! Go to Alanon tho PLEASE %26amp; hear what they have to say. Go to a few mtgs. not just one so you can get a good idea of how it is to live w/an alcoholic...I DO wish you the very best...:)
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